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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Father’s Day cards

13 replies

PTG123 · 17/06/2024 14:07

My children made Father’s Day cards in school. I have 2 children in the same class, year 2, and between them they decided that one of them would make a card for their dad and one would make a card for their stepdad (my DH)

They’ve been with their dad this weekend but for whatever reason didn’t give their dad the card until this morning. He absolutely flipped on them for giving a card to their step dad. Made comments like “how will you like it if I give your birthday presents to a random child on the street” and “he is nothing to you” referring to their step dad. My son said his dad was shouting so loudly that it sounded like his voice cracked and he was shaking with anger. For full disclosure I’ve had a post before about their dad going mad because the children refer to my husband as being their step dad. I’ve named changed for this thread as I’ve spoken to school about this today as well as friends and family. He also started yelling at me on my doorstep for “allowing” this and in the end I shut the door on him as my children were all distraught. We were half an hour late for school so I could calm them down and reassure them.

I’ve never forced or even encouraged the children to see my husband as a father figure. This is something they’ve decided on their own and they all have a good relationship. It is also normal in our family to celebrate all mums on Mother’s Day, they will make cards for their aunties, grandmothers, etc.

I feel strongly that their father is being unreasonable here and to be honest I’m not sure what my next steps should be. I just wanted the opinions of a wider audience who aren’t connected to me. The cards had been made with no input from me so their dad either got one card from both or them or no card at all and I thought he would like the card his child had made.

OP posts:
FuckTheClubUp · 17/06/2024 14:17

I remember the previous thread that you mentioned. I don’t have any advice here because you can’t reason with stupid people and he is definitely a fool. Sorry your children had to experience that when they didn’t do anything wrong. Why can’t he just act like a grown up?

Skybluepinky · 17/06/2024 14:18

u know what he is like but allowed yr children to do something that would annoy him, madness, u should have got the other child to make a card for him.

boombang · 17/06/2024 14:21

he is the loser here, he is driving a wedge between himself and his children, they will never forget this morning.

I don't know what he is like, but could a carefully worded, tactful (can't be used against you) email point this out to him?

FuzzyStripes · 17/06/2024 14:24

His response is a whole other thread but I fail to see how you could think he would like this when you explain his earlier behaviour.

PTG123 · 17/06/2024 14:32

I feel stuck. If I had said “you can’t give daddy the card” then I’m being the bad one. I was hoping he would be happy getting a card from both of them and not put 2 and 2 together. I appreciate I was probably being naive and have learnt my lesson for the future. I gave him the benefit of the doubt which I shouldn’t have done. It’s useful to know that people think the better option would have been to give him nothing though.

OP posts:
BookArt · 17/06/2024 14:48

You've done nothing wrong. Unfortunately I think all you can do is reassure your kids and in time their biological dad will continue with his antics and break down any possible relationship. Which is horrible for your kids, but again, it will be there decision. And they will have a fantastic mum and step dad to be there for them to support them through it.

FuzzyStripes · 17/06/2024 14:53

PTG123 · 17/06/2024 14:32

I feel stuck. If I had said “you can’t give daddy the card” then I’m being the bad one. I was hoping he would be happy getting a card from both of them and not put 2 and 2 together. I appreciate I was probably being naive and have learnt my lesson for the future. I gave him the benefit of the doubt which I shouldn’t have done. It’s useful to know that people think the better option would have been to give him nothing though.

I think that’s because you are thinking like a logical and normal parent when he sounds like someone you can use sensible logic to predict.

pizzaHeart · 17/06/2024 15:01

It sounds such an awful experience for kids. He is wrong of course but it doesn’t matter if you prove him wrong so maybe you need to tackle it in variety of ways. Maybe check around birthdays/fathers days / Christmases that DC’s cards/ presents / arrangements look formally flawless, it’s just to avoid this sort of confrontation. However you should try to reason with exDH ( if possible) maybe threatening him with social services ( sorry, again if it’s possible). I also wonder if the reason for DC’s actions was that something was mentioned at school - not to them personally but in general as schools are trying to be inclusive and I remember some children at DD’s class were making cards to grandads if they were involved a lot. So if school would talk to him it would probably better than coming from you.

Beautifulbythebay · 17/06/2024 15:05

My exh referred to my new dh as Boyfriend Of The Week.. Even when we got married.. He wanted the court to refuse dh to be able to help dc with any homework or write in their reading record.. Imo exh's should be bloody glad dc have an extra decent role model in their lives and who cares about them.
Court didn't order any such thing btw...

PTG123 · 17/06/2024 15:11

I’ve tried to put myself in his shoes. He has a new partner and she seems kind and warm towards the children and I think this is a good thing. If they had wanted to give her a Mother’s Day card I wouldn’t be upset. I even bought her a Christmas gift from the children this year (ExH obviously didn’t reciprocate!)

The Father’s Day cards have caused other issues at school unrelated to our problems so I’m not sure they will be repeated! It’s the first year the school have done anything for Father’s Day as there are a lot of children whose dads aren’t around so I hadn’t anticipated this problem.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 17/06/2024 15:13

YANBU.

He's just going to drive the kids away with this sort of idiotic jealousy. Your boys did something they thought was nice and fair (and to some of the people criticising the OP for 'allowing' them, note they made the cards in school).

KreedKafer · 17/06/2024 15:25

YANBU. You've done absolutely nothing wrong and it was absolutely unforgivable of him to shout at his children. Really horrible.

How did he know that your children made a card for their stepdad as well as one for him? Did the card they gave him only have one child's name in it or what?

Kitkatcatflap · 17/06/2024 15:57

You have done nothing wrong. I agree with the above poster, it was a lovely, thoughtful thing for your boys to do. More importantly, it was a gesture they WANTED to do.

I really hope your ex's appalling behaviour doesn't put them off in future. Reassure them they did a nice thing, despite what Daddy said. Say you are proud of them for being so kind.

in future don't buy the new girlfriend a birthday/Christmas gift- she may be nice and kind but that is your ex's job, not yours. Don't give him ammunition to be (passive) aggressive.

Good luck OP

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