Husband and female colleague

[rainbowsandsparkles86]

DH has always been a runner. His commute to work usually takes 90 mins. A couple of months ago he decided that he would finish work a bit early once a week and go for a run after work. The first time he did this a few others latched onto the idea and decided to form a small running group.

This small running group has dwindled and now it is just him and a female colleague. I started to feel uncomfortable about this and told DH that I wasn’t really happy about him running with her. He told me he absolutely got it and would no longer run with her.

I know I shouldn’t have, but yesterday morning I found he had archived his WhatsApp chat with her. Saturday afternoon he had messaged her asking her whether she fancied a run Monday (tonight) after work. She replied with yes she would and he followed it up with excellent and xxs.

When I confronted him he gave me some rubbish story about her husband also running with them as her husband had also allegedly said he wasn’t comfortable with ilthem running together. I told him he was bull shi**

I said he had shown his level of respect for me after we had spoken about it in the week yet, despite giving me his word, he had done the opposite.

For context, he has history for messaging ex girlfriends and hiding messages from me. Whilst on holiday I discovered he was texting an ex.

I don’t want to believe there is anything going on, but the fact that the chat was hidden makes me suspect there is.

Ive moved him out into the spare room but he is saying I’m overrreacting and the famous there’s nothing going on. I’m not genuinely sure there is, but feel there is intent there.

not sure what my next step should be?

I dont think this is about the running, because that in itself shouldn't be an issue if you trust someone. You clearly don't trust him or you wouldnt look at his messages. What's the point of a relationship like this with no trust?

If you don't trust him, you leave.

If you don't trust him you don't trust him - on the face of it a running group / running with a colleague isn't an issue.

I'd be annoyed that when you raised it as an issue for you that he told you what you wanted to hear and carried on behind your back, that secrecy / hiding it is definitely an issue.

If he's got form for doing this and he's done it multiple times before he's not going to stop - are you happy knowing this is going to be a constant risk? I couldn't deal with that.

For context, he has history for messaging ex girlfriends and hiding messages from me. Whilst on holiday I discovered he was texting an ex

Checking phones is obviously a breach of trust, but I can see why you have resorted to it if he has form for this. What sort of things was he texting to his Ex Gfs, was it multiple , or just one ex? How did you find out , was you snooping , never trusted him?

What do you want? Do you want him to stop running with her? Tell the truth that they are still running together and refuse the nonsense he couldn't tell you as you'd be like this? Leave him? Forever be in separate rooms?

No trust is an issue definitely. Probably the root cause. The historic texts have reduced my self confidence and leave me feeling like I’m not enough or good enough.

You might not be enough for him - his issue but you are good enough for him, too good..

I think you need to spend some time working out if you can be in a relationship without feeling the need to check up on someone (because that behaviour in itself can cause some people to hide things they otherwise wouldn’t) and if you can’t, you need to remain single.

Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel not good enough! The prize for keeping him is more misery. Compounded, like interest, as the years go by.

Just cut your losses: tell him “I want to separate because you are not trustworthy. There is nothing to be done about it. You can’t glue this shattered plate back together.”

Read: Leave a Cheater Gain a Life.

Stop living wishfully and despairingly and start living boldly for yourself.

With or without the running, you don’t trust him .. which is why you are checking his WhatsApp. Regardless of what he says, you’ll never trust him .. you’ll always be looking & checking.

It’s a miserable existence

How he has treated the whole running situation, and is respect for you and his word, over that is not OK – that's only one thing. There's clearly a lot of mistrust going on here, and for a good reason. How long have you been together? This is going to erode at your wellbeing each and every day and you will end up miserable, if you're not already. The only saving grace would be if he came to you completely transparent about what he can do to mend the trust issues and become a safe partner for you. He isn't doing that, and I don't know of anyone who could withstand a relationship like this – nor should you have to.

I agree with others it’s not about running.

You don’t trust him and so have invaded his privacy because of past issues. It is disappointing that you told him you’re uncomfortable with the situation and his response was to hide messages and tell you what you wanted to hear rather than either discussing why he’d continue/ reassure you.

For me it’s slightly irrelevant whether he’s “done something” because the relationship is impacted negatively regardless. Checking phones and separate rooms isn’t a happy life together, forever feeling awful about yourself isn’t what love is. Either suggest therapy together or leave, but don’t continue the cycle of this because there will always be another “colleague” you doubt.

So he has shown himself to be untrustworthy with his past history of messaging and now this lying to you about respecting your wishes re the running with his female colleague but just going ahead and doing what he wanted regardless. Even if now he stops running with her the fact it was so important to him to keep up this social activity with her is going to cause you so much worry because he is still working with her and you have no idea what is happening with her when he is at work.
I don't see any happiness for you in this relationship going forward. Just a life of suspicion .

If the trust is gone then leave him.

I do find it weird that on MN people think other women are desperate to sleep with their husbands.

Who has said they think the female colleague is desperate to sleep with her DH?

Is this woman attractive?

I just find the amount of threads on MN about people’s husbands having female colleagues or friends and the anxiety about it makes it seem that a lot of people think other women just want to sleep with their husbands.

I’ve never met any women like that.

not sure what my next step should be?

I suppose you could always communicate? Like, ask him why he hid her messages?

Well if you read these threads in a lot if cases the OP has seen inappropriate texts and messages between her partner or husband. Or her relationship is being impacted by the sheer volume, often outwith working hours , of messaging beteen her partner and the colleague.Or she has witnessed or knows of inappropriate behaviour between her partner or husband and the colleague.
The inappropriateness is quite often emotional closeness between them. Not necessarily physical.

Are you suggesting women should just stand by and allow themselves to be sidelined in their own relationship with their partners? Allow themselves to be the third wheel in their partner's lives?

Just because you've never seen this doesn't mean it doesn't happen and you are minimising and dismissing other womens experience.