Why can't my dh see how toxic his family is?

[ToxicMil]

In the book toxic in laws by Susan Forward I can say yes to the following questions.

Do you in-laws:

1. Regularly set up situations in which your partner is forced to choose between your needs and theirs? Yes
2. Regularly criticize one or both of you? Yes
3. Bribe you and your partner to get what they want? Yes
4. Consistently try to make you and/ or your partner feel guilty if you say no to them? Yes
5. Constantly give unsolicited advice? Yes

From mil and sil mainly. If you answered yes to three or more of those questions, you have toxic in laws who assume they have the right to control major areas of your life. This is exactly how I feel and reading the book was almost therapeutic.

And there is gaslighting, I have confronted mil on some of her behaviour in the past and she just denied it ever happened. I have been going more low contact with in-laws due to all of this. They constantly sent dh emotional blackmail and say that my behaviour is not normal in response to me putting up boundaries and going low contact.

It is a strain on my marriage, constantly trying to get dh to see there behaviour is toxic and be on my side. He agreed we could answer yes to all the above questions, and when I said Susan forward says it's toxic behaviour he just replied she is just a quack who tells people what they want to here. It's the biggest issue in my marriage.

Do my in-laws know they are toxic? Do they just think its acceptable to treat people like this? Why can't my husband see how bad they are?
Any similar experiences?

I suppose he’s been conditioned all his life to do what they want. It’s like being in a cult.

You need to deprogram him.

Yes, I had similar experiences. My then husband would (sometimes) hear what I said when I said their behaviour wasn't okay but would do whatever it took to keep himself safe from them, I had to just put up and shut up, sometimes with dire consequences.

I went mostly NC with them and am now NC with him. Life is much more pleasant.

As to whether your in-laws know they are toxic @ToxicMil , it doesn't really matter. They behave in a way that gets them what they want, they know no different, they won't change. This is the family that raised your husband, he knows it's easier to hurt you than stand up to them and face up to the fact that they are not nice people.

I could have wrote this post myself

When mil snubbed our dc dh finally went nc.
Maybe your dh is hoping they miraculously change.

@Barefootsally @Barefootsally@TwoThousandAcresofBlueSkyThinking
It you have kids and you go no contact with your partner as well, do your in-laws get unsupervised access where they can be toxic with your kids. This is a big worry for me.

Your DH will think it's normal cos that's what he grew up with. He thinks that's how families behave.

I'm going to put this out here though. Are you any different? You are also trying to control your DH's behaviour by trying to manage his relationship with his family. You are expecting him to confirm to your point of view. You are critical of his family. You are offering unsolicited advice.

You need to drop the rope entirely. He does what he wants with his family and you leave him to get on with it. Don't get drawn into the petty arguments and don't try to change his mind on them. Cos he won't.

I understand that he will have been conditioned to accept that behaviour as normal up to a point.

Surely he’s had friends he got to know well enough to see their family behaviour was different so getting an inkling that there are other ways.

More importantly, he would have seen OPs family didn’t behave that way and we’re kinder and less selfish. (Assuming they are).

To me it’s another one of those situations where the person who has the problem wants to drag their partner down to their level rather than making an effort to rise to the other person’s level. Even if they can see their partner’s way would make them happier, it’s too much effort

"You need to drop the rope entirely. He does what he wants with his family and you leave him to get on with it"

Yes but they try to interfere in every aspect of our lifes, which effects me and will effect our DC. I'm not having them be toxic and trying to manipulate, guilt and control my children.

@ToxicMil , could you be more specific what the issues are please?

It's a long road op

@Lovepeaceunderstanding
Trying to dictate and interfere in every aspect of our lifes. No respect for personal boundaries or privacy. Lots of guilt trips ,emotional blackmail, trying to bribe dh and even tantrums if she doesn't get her way. Lots of gaslighting as if things never happened.
When we got married she told dh "I hope your not trying for a baby". For a month after giving birth she would contact dh almost daily asking if I had stopped breastfeeding yet, even going as far as trying to bribe him to make me stop. She sends dh links to jobs (completely different area to his work and education) and houses to try to get him to move closer. So from big things like that, down to picking out birthday presents we should buy other family members or how much we give at a friend's wedding, or our own children's christening.
Complete control over the holidays. When we would go at Christmas ( which I have stopped doing), dictating what time we get up and what we wear for the day.
It's constant, and I could go on and on. But I'm getting angry writing what I have already.