What can I do?

[Smilingbuttired]

Ex and I split when son was 2 (he’s 11 next week). Ex promptly moved an hour away and since then has son 1 night a week unless he’s got plans where he won’t see him at all.

Ex has always point blank refused to help during the week even though I’ve asked him to a number of times during the year due to the “distance”. He has never been to a sports day, parents evening, didn’t come to view high schools even though I asked him to, didn’t come to hospital when son needed emergency surgery and a couple of weeks ago refused to have him as son had a cold and ex and his wife didn’t want germs in their house 🙈😂 it’s sons birthday next week and I’m throwing him a party and ex is going on stag do.

Our son suffers from migraines and over the last year has had a number of instances of being sent home from school with one as they make him vomit (he’s under paeds). Every time this happens school won’t let him back for 48 hours even though the sickness is related to his migraine but what I’m so irritated with is that it always falls on me to miss work when this happens. He never ever helps in these situations. It’s happened today again and I had to leave work and my boss as lovely as he is told me it’s becoming a concern as i am missing so much work which I completely agree with.

I called ex on leaving work and basically told him I’ve had enough, I don’t want my job on the line because he refuses to be an active parent. I told him he should be ashamed of himself for doing the bare minimum and that he needs to help me more. He replied that as I’m the primary carer it should fall on me and that his job is too important to just leave!! It’s because of me being the only active parent that has allowed him to get this amazing job where he earns ridiculous money whilst I find jobs to fit around the kids.

I am in no way ranting about being a mother, I adore my children and they will always come first but I am sick to death of him letting me do 95% of everything then still having a say on decisions for our son. If it were up to me we’d emigrate and try and have a nicer life somewhere else but because ex won’t allow it that can’t happen which sucks but that’s life.

sorry just needed to let it out

What a miserable prick he is, @Smilingbuttired. No advice, but bumping for you.

Not unreasonable in the slightest, it takes a really shitty person to pretty much check out of parenting but still hold the control over decisions. You hopefully won't have such a problem in secondary school as a lot of them only have a 24hr exclusion for vomiting rather than 48

Does your employer have a flexi working scheme / policy or a working parent scheme which would allow you to 'buy' additional annual leave. You could then perhaps use it to finish early if your DS is poorly and anything not used could be used for time for yourself at the end of your annual leave year.

Or can you wfh and make up the time you leave from work after you have picked your DS up from school and got him settled?

Do you have any family who can pick DS up to reduce the amount of time you are losing at work?

He must despise your son to treat him like that. Sorry OP.

I can see why you need a rant about your ex.

Can your son be left home alone and you pop back at lunch time during those occasions he is off?

Your ex sounds like a rubbish parent, but I think what you could do is get the school to let your son attend school on the days when he is not having a migraine. The policy is depriving him of a full education.

YANBU in the slightest , he appears to make so little effort that it makes you wonder why he bothers at all . You won’t get him to change though so pending your child being old enough to stay home alone when sick I would tackle the school about the 48 hr exclusion for sickness as there must be a way around that - letter from the consultant , appeal to governors etc

I agree about a letter from the consultant. I have a similar one for one of my children who has diarrhoea as a result of intolerances and it says not to exclude from school on it.

My boss is being really good to me, he allows me to wfh on these occasions but its hard because theres a risk of it looking like I get special treatment as there isn't a policy in place. I am term time only so I have offered to come in a work a week in the holidays to make up the time but that leaves me with childcare issues.

Just really gets to me that he wants equal rights without the equal responsibility. All about control imo. Happy for me to raise son on my own.

He's only 11 so I wouldn't be comfortable leaving him. Plus he has on one occasion ended up in hospital with a migraine as he went numb down one side.