Difficult Ex husband and co-parenting

[Temporaryname158]

I chose to leave my marriage and stupidly agreed to 50:50 care for my children as I though that was best for them despite one of the reasons for the divorce was him doing no parenting. (He has now become a more involved parent)

My issue though is the way he speaks to me, he speaks to me like dirt, like a servant or like the lady in the Devil wears Prada does to Emily her assistant.

this started when he got his girlfriend, prior to that we had co parented fairly amicably. However he then wouldn’t attend parents evening together, having previously done so, wouldn’t sit together at the class show, or would even tell me what night of the show to attend based on which he was going to, and started being difficult over all sorts of similar things, signing the children up to classes on nights we alternate without consulting me etc (the children had already been to, and enjoyed the first sessions by the time I find out and so I would look bad not then taking them on my nights)

What I need is advice and help on how to manage this. Our children are young and I worry we need to be a united front for the teenage years but are anything but that. Also even the thought of seeing him or his girlfriend gives me anxiety. My heart beats faster and I feel stressed. They have form for being bullies.

what should I do. I don’t want family days out, I want civil behaviour and basic manners for the sake of our children who I want to put first in all of this

Don't let him bully you. If he tries to tell you what night to go to shows etc just tell him you will choose which night suits you vest, not what suits him. Just grey rock him as best as you can.

Refusing to attend parents evenings is quite ridiculous.

Not sitting together at end of year shows etc is neither here nor there, nice if you could but not a hill I’d die on - but if you’re not sitting together, what difference does when you attend actually make?

You don’t need to do parents evening together and you don’t need to sit next to each other either. So I wouldn’t worry about that.

Just go to whichever shows suit you and tell him that.

Are the children able to tell you what activity’s they do on an evening ?

You won’t be united during the teen years, you are not together and he clearly doesn’t want that by his actions. Just get on with it and ignore him unless you have to speak to him.

The advice about shows is good and what I try to do, I don’t know how to grey rock him when we have to speak. It’s really stressful and I come away from every encounter very anxious. I feel he’s showing the children a terrible way to treat others and showing them he treats their mum poorly. They are people pleasers and are scared to do/say anything that they know will upset him or get them ‘told off’ by him or his girlfriend

@PandaRice I know what activities they
do but he will for example sign them up to a gymnastics club without consulting me, but I will need to pay half and take them alternative weeks on my nights, but he won’t have consulted me, he’d just sign them up so I look bad if I refuse

I’m not asking this to be difficult but - what is it about interacting with him that makes it stressful?

Perhaps if you could unpick that, it would be a step to just minding less?

A lot of co-parenting is accepting the things you can’t control, and knowing which hills are the ones you die on. Even in really easy going, amicable set ups.

I think the clubs thing is really difficult. Children in 50:50 set ups quite often miss out because one parent set it up and then the other doesn’t want to give up “their time”.

My ex husband and I have set things up that impact each others time before, the difference is we pay for the clubs we’ve set up separately. We do generally consult each other but not always, depending on time sensitivity of signing up and so on.

edited to add: him setting things up and then springing a bill on you without warning isn’t acceptable.

@SemperIdem its the way he speaks down to me, the way he will argue with what I say. If I said the sky was blue he’d deny it and argue another colour.

I am not comfortable with arguing with people, he come across as agressive and a bully. I am not a high conflict person and surround myself with others who are happy go lucky souls. I find his approach makes me really anxious

@SemperIdem is that not frustrating for you then that he has for example signed your child up to football and you don’t want to go to football training and matches on your weekends/evenings? How do you manage that?

we pay half of all activities - perhaps I need to refuse to pay for any he signs them up to without discussion going forward

Well, being completely upfront and honest - it’s been more me than him. I really strongly believe that extra curriculars are beneficial and that our child shouldn’t miss out because we’re separated. I’ve sought to mitigate the impact as time has gone on, switching to different times/providers however. As he has done once or twice when the shoe was on the other foot. We don’t share costs though.

We rarely disagree outright, being some years into co-parenting now (and still have about a decade left really), I’m sure I regularly mildly annoy him, he does me. But we’re very much on the same page where our child is concerned, which is all you can hope for really.

Why don’t you both say that you only pay for the activities that you sign them up for from now on?
Or that you won’t pay anything unless you have agreed first.

How much contact do you need to have? If contact time is set in stone then is there much else you really need to speak about?