Am I being PFB?

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Please be kind, I’m really not feeling well today and may not be thinking straight/in the wrong myself.

DH is a hardworking and devoted dad. He may just be parenting differently than me or I may just be PFB.

DD (9 months) started to crawl a few weeks ago. She’s into everything, super speedy and I feel I need eyes in the back of my head. The house is fairly child friendly but we do need to make some improvements. But, where ever I go I usually take her with me I.e. toilet she’ll come with me unless she’s engrossed with a toy.

This weekend me and DH have been ‘tag teaming’ with her as I’ve been trying to get some jobs done/currently not feeling well. Every time he’s been watching her he’s left her alone. Yesterday when putting the pram in the car he left her in the house which she was crawling out to meet him, half hanging off the front step. He came to talk to me, non rushing, leaving her in the kitchen (which she likes to play with the cat food).

I know I should install baby gates for this exact reason but he just brought her upstairs, plonked her in her nursery to come into our room to get changed. There’s no baby gates, worst case scenario it would have took her 5 seconds to get to the top of the stairs, best case scenario she’d be in the nappy bin. As soon as he said ‘you wait here’ and came into our room I walked into hers to supervise.

In the time it’s took me to write this, he’s just came back upstairs leaving her downstairs to talk to me. Came downstairs and she’s absolutely fine playing with her toys.

Am I being a precious first time mum?

No you aren't, you don't leave a crawling 9 month old unattended unless they are safely in a playpen or similar and then not for long

No, stairs and crawling babies aren’t to be mixed.
But leaving her in a room that’s safe, playing with her toys is absolutely fine.

Sounds as if you're thinking ahead but your DH hasn't quite caught up yet.

You’re not being precious, sounds to me like a classic example of a man who sees you as the default parent, therefore doesn’t have the child’s safety at the top of his radar, and subsequently a woman who has to parent the both of them.

Listen I’m quite relaxed as a mum, we’re on our way back from a weekend away at a festival and the beach where 11 mo DS has been crawling around in the mud/grass, accidentally ate some sand, shoved a stick in his own eye… no one is perfect but it sounds to me like your DH is constantly being too laid back and needs to sort it out.

What a gormless idiot. You’re not being a PFB. He is too cavalier about health and safety. We’ve all done it, left the baby on the bed for a second thinking they won’t move and then that sickening thud as they roll off. But you only do it once! The thought that he’d leave her upstairs is idiotic. The minute you walk away they come looking for you!

There are so many examples of PFB behaviour on MN that I came to your post with some bias, OP. But YANBU, and DH is far too laid back!

No but I think it's time to start toddler proofing your house. Dh needs to get into the habit of leaving her somewhere safe if need be, eg cot, play pen, pram or whatever. Get them stair gates sorted quick as I fear he may only learn by his mistakes.

Why don't you have stair gates?

why is there cat food available on the floor for her to play with?

why is there a nappy bin that’s accessible for her to play with?

you do need to supervise a 9 month old always YANBU, but you need to do a reasonable amount of houseproofing also. No stargates and a crawling baby is madness

Yes, this is what I came to say.

Once a baby is moving they must not be able to get to the stairs. You need stair gates asap! And really you should only leave them in the cot or play pen - something they can't get out of!

YANBU to think he shouldn't leave her.
YANB PFB - you are absolutely right.

BUT

YA both BU to not have a playpen to pop her in to if you need to - in your example - pop out to the car.

I don’t think you need to take your baby with you everywhere but I do think you need stair gates in place and to make sure the floors are safe for her to crawl.

No you absolutely are not. Does he not realise that she can now move.

Short term solution put a travel cot up downstairs. Then if he, or indeed you, need to go to the toilet, make a cup of tea, answer the front door etc. Then you pop her in the cot with a couple of toys and she will be safe and content.

I don't think you're being PFB. I'd say baby-proofing is mostly a backup at that age.

Just to note that any stairgate at the top of the stairs should screw into the wall, not be the pressure kind. It should also not have a bar at the bottom to step over.

In fact at nine months I wouldn't leave a child alone in a room unless they were in a contained space like a cot, playpen etc.

They are too little to know what they are doing. So you need to watch them like a hawk at all.times

Get the stair gates today op - not worth the risk imo.

DH kept forgetting to close them - I had to have a really clear conversation with him. I think I said that if DS fell down the stairs it would kill him. DH never did it again

You have a baby. You need to baby proof. And also train your idiot husband.

No, I’d only ever leave my DC unattended at that age for Quick loo trips or upstairs in the baby proof lounge and definitely not if no stair gates.

That's not being PFB. Your DH is being an idiot.

You are both wrong to not have stairgates in place by now. Crawling, fast moving babies and stairs are a very bad mix

What is a PFB?!

Precious first born

I was fairly laid back, 3 kids, never had stairgates. Though we did have a playpen in the living room by dc3.

I opened this thinking you'd probably be being PFB. But definitely not. You DH is just not engaging his brain in looking after your DC.

Baby either comes with you, or is put in their cot/playpen. Never left alone roaming free

No absolutely not pfb. You don't leave a crawling 9 month old alone unless they're in a safe enclosed space. You need playpens.

Thanks all. DH wasn’t reacting that I was being OTT. I’ll have a chat with him tomorrow.

As for stair gates I will be getting them. At the moment DD crawls towards us, not away. I do feel they’d be a false sense of security. As in, relying on them but if they were to fail/left open… My style of parenting isn’t to leave her alone, unless she’s in her cot or strapped into something. I’m quite used to moving her around with me now. There’s at least one toy in each room that she’s got to keep her occupied when I move around. She’s very content as long as she’s in our company.

Whilst I’ve put the rubber corners on, screwed heavy furniture to the walls, put up cleaning materials/medication I’ve just realised she’s going to want to play with absolutely everything. Any bit of paper in arms reach will be in her mouth as in the shoes she decided to lick this morning or making a B line for the cat.

I remember this stage and it's hard work!

Baby proofing is essential as soon as they're on the move - you never know what will come up that may mean you can't watch them constantly. Stair gates aren't a false sense of security, they're security when done right.

We also placed baskets full of things to pull out in each room - not just toys but old cookbooks/papers/dvds/plastic bowls/spoons - basically anything he could rifle through and trash/chew!

All my lower kitchen cupboards were also set up for him so he could pull anything else and play with it around my feet. Amazing how much fun a wooden spoon and a saucepan is!

A playpen was also a godsend. I needed 10 minutes sometimes to not be watching a crawling baby and he loved it. We rotated the toys inside it so he didn't get bored.

Definitely get stairgates sorted and a playpen in the lounge you can plonk her in with some toys if you need to answer the door/nip to the loo/get something from the kitchen. Have a firm discussion with DH about not leaving her alone now she's on the move!