To wonder if it's possible to build community/found family after 32?

[Toomanyemails]

I'm 32, DP 33 and we are both only children. We are both very sociable with a wide circle of friends but have moved countries every few years as adults for DP's work, so although we have close friends we don't really have 'best' friends who plug the gap of siblings. We are lucky to have a very strong relationship, but we both feel like we'd like a stronger support network and slightly regret prioritising career in our 20s.

This didn't feel like an issue until the pandemic. I don't know if the pandemic led to a shift or it's just that we emerged from it at an age with people starting their own families, socialising less with friends and becoming closer to their siblings as adults. I'm sure I'm idealising it to some extent, but in most couples I know, at least one partner has at least one sibling they're extremely close to (daily contact and regular get togethers), plus a sibling-in-law and nieces/nephews. DP and I are also deciding whether/when we want to try to have kids, and the limited support network is a concern because I'm sure parenting being lonely. We obviously can't change our sibling status, so we are trying to prioritise community over career in this decade.

We've decided to put down roots near my hometown (DP is from overseas) and we are doing all the obvious things: joining groups related to our hobbies, putting the effort in with our existing friends, trying to arrange things with new people we meet. I just worry we're too old to find new close friendships as so many people, including many of our old friends, seem to be settling into a routine where they only meet friends every month or so and reminisce over old memories rather than make new ones.

Please share your stories of making a close friend after 30 and how you did it, or tell me I'm being unrealistic and this is just adult life!

I made 2 very close friends after 30, both mums I met with my oldest, one in my antenatal group and one at baby groups. First, we see probably every other weekend as a family, oldest girls are sane age and our hubbys get on really well.
2nd is the godmother of my 2nd, and the nearest person I ever met to me, we literally share same views, commuinication styles - twin I never had

Thank you, gives me some hope!

You can absolutely build a strong network of friends and establish yourselves as part of a community - you can do that at any age but your age is perfect, especially if you do go on to have children.

I am cautious about the concept of "found family". Firstly you definitely have an idealised concept of sibling relationships, and secondly...the whole point of family is that you don't choose them, they don't choose you, but this is the family you got. It is inherently different from relationships with friends, and always will be in my view.

I started volunteering at Scouts around 8 years ago. Met a fab bunch of other volunteers in my area. We do weekend camps and summer camps together, as well as trips/events further afield. We also have a weekly social in the pub. I started off not knowing anyone, and now I'm part of the furniture!

100%. In lots of different ways. I honestly think this is possible at any age. My best friend’s parents relocated out of London on their retirement in their mid-60s. They have a great social life.

I’ve met lots of people post-32. Mostly through children and work but there are opportunities everywhere if you look for them.

Agreed. I’m making new friends in my 50s, after an international move just before Covid. I do have siblings, but we’re not close, and have seldom lived in the same country in adulthood.

Thank you! How would you say it's different, out of curiosity? I'm sure I am idealising - if I take a detached view of myself I'd say I'm feeling lonely and anxious about aging, and latching on to the thing I can't change rather than focusing on what I can change.
But I have a few close friends who have amazingly close relationships with their siblings and siblings-in-law. I think they are relatively unusual in the extent of their closeness (daily contact, meeting up weekly, consider each other their best friends) but it just seems so lovely. Not to mention it's a very guaranteed relationship - I know siblings can fall out or may not be very close, but in most cases they will be a lifelong relationship and support in a way you can't guarantee with friends.

Have made a close friend through walking club. We now walk together more than with club. Both have partner/husband who is much less keen on walking.
Also volunteered at same place for a number of years. Wouldn't count these people as super close, but see each other approximately weekly for shared activity and do get to know each other better.

You can, but it takes time. I’ve moved to a different country (I’m 36), its a very new move, I only arrived in September. But I do have some friends, I play a team sport though which helps a lot. Clubs are often a good way to make friends as an adult, its essentially like the classroom play corner but for adults.

I moved 400 miles when I was 30, we’re far away from family and had to make new friends from scratch. 9 years on I have made firm relationships, have a support network and have a best friend I cherish. It took time and effort, and I am sociable, but it was worth it. Best of luck op, it’s definitely possible.

Not to mention it's a very guaranteed relationship

You've summed it up yourself actually - it is guaranteed. The fact that you can never opt out of that relationship means that you can both test it and invest in it in a way that you would be cautious of doing with friends.

We choose our friends because we like them and enjoy spending time with them. If they marry an asshole and their personality changes for the worse we will like them less, no longer enjoy spending time with them, and let the friendship fade. If your sister does likewise you are still stuck with her (and now an asshole brother in law) and they are yours for life. And vice versa.