To think its not disrespectful to buy father / mothers day gifts for a step parent?

[joined891]

Preface to say I have two very involved parents who I love dearly so this is not a situation where the step parent has basically been mum or dad because of an absent parent.

However my step parents are still a big part of me and are kind and loving additions to both my own life and that of my children's now who just see them as grandparents the same as any other because they know no life without them in it.

Therefore I always buy my step parents a little something on mother or fathers day. I don't get a card that says mum or dad on it but just a generic happy mother's/ fathers day and sign it from me and DC with a gift.

I think this is just a nice thing to do especially as my step parents don't have their own children so would otherwise receive no acknowledgement on these days.

So clear something up for me MN, my husband thinks this is could be seen as "disrespectful" to your actual parents (if they are involved obviously very different if they arent and you’ve been raised by a step parent) whereas I think it's just acknowledging someone else who's had a similar role to a parent and making them feel included on a day like mother or fathers day especially if they have no bio children as well. It's just a nice thing to do.

I am also a step mother to 1 child and never receive anything for mothers day, it's not something I would expect or be bothered about personally but just for context.

My DH did not raise my children but he has been an incredibly supportive 'parent' who is very involved with 'his' grandchildren. I am always extremely pleased that they remember him on Fathers' Day. They also have a lovely father who they remember too - I think it is great that they have an extra dad who loves them.

My children acknowledge their step parents on these days. It is their choice. They know that their step parents play a secondary role in our set up. But they want to acknowledge them so we do. I don't find it 'easy' to know someone else is getting a mothers day card from my child. But i need to get over myself. Its nice they want to show appreciation and that they have so many positive role models around them.

No i don't think its disrespectful. But yes i would imagine someone insecure could get upset about it.

Presumably your step parents are still with your parents?

In which case, I'm sure they love that you acknowledge their current life partner in that way.

I don't think it's disrespectful but I imagine if the step-parent was an affair partner (or similar) then it would grate quite a bit. But that's not the DC's fault and they shouldn't ever be made to feel bad for giving a card or anything.

my sister used to send four MD cards, our Mother, her step mum & 2 ex MiLs - one of whom she remains close to, despite the divorce being over 50 years ago.

YABU because this has to be an individual family dynamic decision. So many aspects would be needed to be known intimately to declare YABU.

If they deserve it, why on earth not? ?

Though if anyone was likely to be upset, I wouldn’t call it ‘disrespectful’ - maybe a bit insensitive.

Presumably your DH is seeing this through the prism of you getting a mothers' day card from your DSC and his ex kicking off.

I'd be clear to him that this is purely about your specific relationship as an adult with your DSPs, that your DPs don't have a problem with it and that because DSPs don't have children of their own you feel it's more important to make this gesture. Clearly state that it has no bearing whatsoever on what you expect from your DSC.

I don't send to my step parents but that's because they got together with my parents when I was late teens so they never parented me as such & I never lived with them as I had left home.
I'm not really close with my step mum. She's nice enough we just don't have that bond. I adore my step dad & he knows it.

My DD11 has a lovely step mum, she's kind to her, takes her for days out separate to her dad sometimes and is just a lovely person. My Ex takes my DD to get a little card and something nice for her on Mother's Day. I'm absolutely fine with it, she's a fab caring addition to my DDs life and should get recognition for that. I don't see it as disrespectful at all.

I think you have a husband problem. Trying to police who you recognise on these days. It's not up to him.

How old is your stepchild? Because if they are young and you play a significant role in their life, perhaps your husband should be thinking about whether that should be acknowledged.

My older dc buy a card and a little gift for my boyfriend of 5 years (we don't live together or anything, but he does a lot for my dc), they get nothing for their dad who does absolutely fuck all, doesn't even speak to most of them.

It's not about biology, it's about what step parents and parents put into the relationship. It's not disrespectful to show someone appreciation if they are in your life.

I suppose it depends on so many variables. But you can be thanking them or acknowledging the role they play in your life now, regardless of if they played a part in raising you. I don't really get the grandparents thing..it's a day for parents but again, If the GPS play a significant role, it makes sense. Equally, I would be a bit miffed if my kids got a mothers day card for their stepmum as she was ow..and I'm a bit peeved (inwardly) on father's day given that he does next to fuck all.

Before he died, I used to buy my stepdad a Father's Day card and present because he was a wonderful, kind, lovely man. I didn't / don't buy my stepmother anything because she is not a wonderful woman. To put it mildly.

I sent my step-mother flowers and ignored my mother. She's a toxic bitch who I wished was dead, rather than my step-mother who is terminally ill.

My adult sons always buy a gift and card for my dp (who is not their dad) because he is a wonderful man and never had his own dc

As pp said it depends on the family dynamic. It’s never occurred to me to include my step parents on mother/father day because they are not my parents

Get on with them fine and there is no issues after all these years but it’s not even something I have considered

If my kids got a present for their step mum on Mother’s Day, I’d be so laid back I’d be horizontal.

Shes not really a mum figure to them as exh does the parenting of them at his house (and Dd 15 doesn’t really need much parenting in the immediate hands on sense) but if they wanted to buy someone a gift then that would be fine.

My father's wife is not a mother to me, so I don't give her anything on Mother's Day.

I wouldn't like if my child got my exes partner a mother's day card but thats because she was sniffing around him while I was pregnant (even though him and I had taken a break at the time and she and him got together when our baby was 8 weeks old. So yes, it would grate on me.