Lonely and disappointed mum

[1stTimeMum531]

hi all, I’d appreciate even just one person reading this post and helping me-

Ive joined today just to look for some advice: long story short my dad passed suddenly 3 years ago (due to Covid it was an extremely, long and painful process to even be able to arrange a funeral. He passed Feb we had his funeral in June). Months later my mum got a new partner and moved on like this never happened - granted her and my dad’s relationship was poor towards the end of his life but it was quick. I have always been the biggest support of my mum and encouraged her happiness even where I didn’t necessarily agree.

I have recently had my first baby, after a miscarriage I have been blessed with my baby girl but after having her I struggled terribly with PPA. My mum promised my partner she would come and stay for a while after he returned to work just to give me the support - this never happened. She works part time and never visits me or the baby she’d rather spend time with her new partner (she lives an hour away but does drive) when she does visit it’s to tell me that I should have my baby on a potty (she’s 7 months old), I should of been louder around her to get her used to sleeping, I have either gained or lost weight or I should have put my baby in nursery from 3 months because she would “actually be receiving proper encouragement to develop” - all painful things for a first time mum just trying her best. I am due to be married this year and have asked that she doesn’t bring her partner to our ceremony it’s a very small intimate ceremony, her partner doesn’t even know what my new last name will be, and yet she rang me to tell me how upset I’ve made him. She brought him to my babies gender reveal for him to sit with his back to my partners family the entire time. He came to my partners surprise birthday and he sat making fun of my partners family members.

But above all this, it has gotten worse she brings her new partner to everything and when with him will not speak to anyone else. She doesn’t interact with us normally anymore and tends to be completely focused on him, she even mocks me sometimes asking if I’ve taken my tablets - referring to the tablets for my PPA. He speaks openly slagging off my younger sister and makes comments on her looks.

she doesn’t visit my baby in school holidays and is spending Father’s Day with her partner as he lost his dad on Father’s Day -leaving my younger sister alone (she’s extremely lost and quite frankly struggling with the loss of our dad)

I am at my wits end - do I confront her or just create distance?

I think you need to create distance. Your mum is deeply in thrall to her new partner and has changed her priorities and character around him. If you confront her she will go back to him and he will convince her you're in the wrong, so the situation could spiral from dismissive to hostile. Extra hurt that you really don't need. If I were you I'd be polite and keep things superficial. Let her come to you and see her if you want to. It's possible that when the relationship settles into routine her old character will return, but equally possible this is the new her. Strengthen your good relationships with your friends, your sister, your partner, in laws even, to fill the gap.

What was your relationship like before all of this?

Yes I would create distance, she isn’t going to be the person you need her to be.

I’m so sorry. You desperately want and need your mum to be something to you that she just isn’t capable of. She isn’t going to change.

in this situation, it is best to maintain a distance from her, at a level where you can look after your own emotions without letting her flakiness upset you.

you have achieved so much with a loving partner and lovely new baby, huge well done.

keep your mum at arms length and look to the people in your life that make you feel good - friends or other family members - for the support you need

if you don’t have friends, this is a great time in life to find them as I promise you SO many other new mums are feelingly similarly lost and sad, it can be a terribly hard time. I believe the peanut app can be really good to find mum friends.

I guess the question is do you even want a relationship with her? And if so, why?

Ignore the issues with the partner, they're a red herring. Any good mother would want to help and support their daughter when she's going through the lowest time of her life. Not your mum. She's giving you a jolly good kicking while you're down.

It doesn't sound like the partner is the whole problem here. The problem is that your mother is horrible and has found a partner on her level. I'd be creating distance from her entirely, to be honest.

Your DM isn't supportive or kind. Maybe your DPs relationship was poor before he died because she was selfish back then too.
Does your sister live with them? Maybe invite your sister over (or meet halfway) for fathers day so you can celebrate your DF together and also with your DCs DF?

DMs partner sounds controlling and an arse (and maybe doesnt have the self awareness to understand his behaviour isn't endearing him to her daughters). I can understand why you wouldnt want him at your wedding. However would your DM not attend without him?

You need to have a calm chat on neutral ground sooner rather than later.

It's crap when you've got an emotionally abusive mum.

Is she quite young?

She's acting like someone in their 20s!

She could be being abused in a coercive control relationship but there's nothing much you can do about that.

Until she treats you better cut contact and focus on yourself. You probably need some post trauma support as if this is what she's like now I can't imagine you had a nice childhood.