to think ASD husband and ASD daughter could have a better relationship?

[Whatonearth9]

12 year old ASD daughter keeps asking me to get her dad to leave.
She said he makes her feel like she’s living with a stranger 😢
For context, we also have a 14 year old NT daughter who idealises him however she is very sociable so does a lot in the relationship without even knowing.
Our youngest struggles to make conversation and show her feelings so I tend to constantly do these things now for her without thinking and he can’t.
He suspects he is ASD and I would massively agree - in fact we split when the kids were young for a year because I felt so emotionally unsupported but lots of promises of change and for a while things seems led to have improved to some degree.
Last night it all came to a head as the youngest offered to go with him food shopping and seeing as this is so unlike her ( she has lots of food issues and social anxiety ) I thought he would have bit her hand off.
Instead, he listed all the logical reasons it wouldn’t work.
In reality, it’s because he hyperfocus’ so much whilst shopping that he can’t stand anyone around him hence why he’s done the shopping largely alone for the last 20 years.
This results in DD crying, saying he rejected her offer because he doesn’t love her.
I think she has RSD as reacts like this to most people for things that others might perceive as small but in this case I completely see why she feels like that as I often have.
I have lost count of the times I have burst into tears over something and he just stares before saying “ I’m not sure what to say now / there’s nothing I can say to help “
I had no idea he would be like this as a parent and now I don’t know what to do 😢

I agree with the posts indicating that I should be able to be more understanding of him.
I am able to be very understanding of him generally and have therefore kind of led the whole upbringing of the children / schooling / activities / homework / parents evenings as he can’t manage any of these but when it comes to seeing him upset the children ( either of them but it doesn’t really ever happen with the eldest ) it’s like I can’t cope and myself maybe feel so overwhelmed at dealing with all the day to day stuff, I then can’t possibly take on trying to fix their relationship as well 😢

It is a lot to take on and of course it’s upsetting. It’s not insurmountable though.

Your husband needs to be got to a point in a conversation where you could discuss how that could have gone differently- the situation with the shopping trip. You also, need for him to agree to go and apologise to your daughter for making her feel rejected. Even if it is days later…. Weeks even.

He apologised that evening.
I took her shopping instead after she cried and by the time we got back he had been to the local shop to buy her some gifts.
He does apologise when he can see my reaction more so than hers - he needs to be told he was wrong explicitly or he won’t see it

That’s good that he listens to you about that sort of thing. Can you agree on some kind of code with him, so that if he is being unaware/insensitive, you can say “Darling, this is one of those shopping trip moments”, or some such thing, to remind him to listen and be flexible?

That’s a good idea - I need to stop feeling resentful of the fact I’m having to raise what feels like 3 children and let go of that in order to help all round I think.

He has come home from work and gone straight to have a chat with her ( this is never what he does - he usually makes himself something to eat immediately as doesn’t eat lunch so doesn’t make any conversation until about 7 ) so it’s a start x

Yes. I used to feel the same. With the parent evenings, he now attends, but I do most of the talking. He is also more involved by giving lifts to extra-curricular activities, which gives him a chance to chat and catch up with the kids now too. It’s important to try to foster as much whole-family interaction as possible - eating meals together, going to the cinema, etc, on the weekends, to prevent the withdrawal of the ND family members.

Thank you for your reply.
Sadly youngest DD doesn’t do many social activities herself so in fairness he doesn’t have as much of a chance to do things with her as the older DD.

She only really enjoys shopping for clothes and jewellery which I have made him do a few times but she says he either says nothing or tries to be funny - and isn’t!

I did push my kids into doing the extra-curricular activities and I was so nervous that they’d hate me for it, but it turned out to be a game-changer.

It sounds as though your youngest is a bit judgemental about her dad and could do with learning some social skills. Getting out amongst peers around a shared activity really helped mine. My ASD DC had totally painted herself into a corner socially beforehand and conversations were hard work, but now she get excited and has a laugh with her sibling and conversations are easy, natural and interesting.

She’s been in loads but just leaves the minute she has enough or dislikes anything about it at all.
Literally refuses to go back and nothing will change her mind!
Youre right - she’s very judgmental in general.
I’ve been upset by her many times but the difference is that I have an overwhelming sense of needing to protect her and look after her and that comes above all else.
Saying that, my emotions are very heightened all the time hence the ADHD referral so I’m by no means perfect!