Feel ignored (and like a right mug)

[HousebytheC]

I have NC for this.

So, couple of months ago I found out that DH was on Wegovy. Private prescription costing just over £100 a pop. He said he didn’t tell me because I had made negative comments about Ozempic and celebrities and so he thought I wouldn’t be supportive of him on it. I was absolutely fucking mega pissed off. Pissed off at the secrecy and money being spent without us having discussed it.

We are looking at moving house and went to view a property that we both loved. Now, one of the reasons for moving house is that the area that we are moving to is an area I have wanted to live in for some time. When we bought our current house it was dictated by where the kids could get to school and, whilst I’ve loved our current house, I always felt like it was a bit ‘well, we’ve got to, so’ and so we have discussed that one of the things I was looking forward to about this move was having much more control and choice about the area and type of property because we’re not tied to kids/schools/sports clubs etc etc. So…we view a house. It’s clear we both love it so at the end of the viewing he starts talking money with the vendor and, before we leave he has agreed an amount with the vendor to offer. He didn’t discuss that with me first. He’s now pissed off that I’m pissed off that that was not a conversation to be had there and then. It was a conversation to be had between us before then talking to the vendor.

I feel like he has blindsided me yet again and just gone and bloody done something significant without involving me or talking with me. In both situations his defence is “Well I assumed…” and my (very pissed off) rebuttal is that that’s not fucking okay to assume! I need to be included too.

it’s now Father’s Day. He’s pissed off. I’m pissed off. Urgh.

YABU. He’s been a twat twice by not including you in significant decisions/conversations. You’ve told him he’s been a twat. He’s apologised. Let it go.

YANBU. He’s blindsided you twice. This is bad. Don’t let it go.

FWW we have a very happy marriage.

Not sure who thinks you've been unreasonable about the house purchase but maybe the wegovy is clouding the responses. The wegovy is less of an issue, if he budgeted for it from his disposable income etc then it's his business. The house however is absolutely 100% a joint decision and deciding what to offer and making an offer without discussing with you is awful.

Has he offered more than the house is worth? I know that's subjective really as a house is worth what someone will pay for it but do you think his offer was too high?
If you both love the house and he wanted to secure it and just got a bit over excited I'd forgive that, esp if the offer is a reasonable one. In principle you are right though and he shouldn't be making offers without so much as a conversation with you
Re the wegovy, this comes down to how your relationship functions. Do you have a marriage where you discuss most things first and decide together or are you both more independent and make lots of decisions alone? Plus whether you have joint or separate finances.

Generally though, I think you have a legitimate right to be concerned that he seems to be making big decisions and keeping you out of the loop. If that's a change in his behaviour, that's something you need to sort out.

I mean you say it's cleat you both love it. It's not ideal that he didn't have a proper conversation with you but maybe he got excited. And I guess it wasn't anything that couldn't be undone while you were both there if you in fact didn't want to proceed?

Also I wouldn't really care about the first thing and DH and I wouldn't discuss buying something for ourselves that we can afford with the other. And we wouldn't think the other would take the piss out of us either.

Just to add that if you think he's seriously overpaid for the house, I'd have no qualms about unilaterally (see how he likes it) reducing the offer to a more reasonable one. A mortgage is a massive commitment and you can't saddle yourself with too big a debt just because your husband got carried away.
Obviously if the offer was a good one, then leave it be because you don't want to risk losing the house if it's the ideal one.

The Wegovy might well end up a saving overall if he's eating less and is able to be more active in later years. It's more a shame he didn't think you would be supportive.

Two separate issues.
I would be seriously having a think about my marriage if he thinks he gets to decide a financial desicion like that without discussing it.
Happy marriage?
Not a respectful one, that's for sure.

Fk that. That's mean.

Two separate issues here I think.

I would be annoyed about the house, that is too big a decision for just one party to make.

The wegovy I would not be bothered about (do you run every single one of your personal purchases through him?).

Was the amount he offered what you also thought or was it way out of left field? I’d be pissed off too, I’ve discussed what we’ll accept for a house we’re selling, I’d be angry if he agreed a different amount with someone. I think it’s key that you’d already thrown around ideas about price. Is he the one that normally makes the big decisions?

I can understand why he kept the Wegovy secret if you’d been derogatory about celebrities using it. Presumably you don’t have a weight issue so don’t empathise with people using it?

Does he usually dismiss your opinion? Does he normally take the lead and you follow (because you agree or don't disagree)? If you rarely say no he might be of the false opinion that you will always defer to the big man. It's a relationship dynamic that a lot of us fall into over time because most decisions aren't worthy of a discussion. Only you know whether you have that dynamic or whether he dismisses and disrepects you regularly.

My stbx was very surprised when I started having an opinion. I only agreed with him during our relationship because choosing Dominoes vs a Chinese, or what colour carpet, wasn't that big a deal. However him deciding what car I should have or whether the spare cash went on his hobby or the children was a big deal, and he didn't like me saying so. Does that sound like yours?

I would be very angry about the house especially since EA advise against doorstep offers too.

His body…his choice.

I agree....but op....did you not see the pen stored in the fridge from day 1?

Unless you run every single purchase with each other, I think you AIBU about the Wegovy. It his body. He's obviously self conscious about his body and he's doing something positive about it.

The house though is another story, he should definitely have discussed that with you first.

I think you are being unreasonable about the Wegovy thing. It’s actually an investment in his long term health and in any case £100 spend on something you want for yourself shouldn’t be considered unreasonable unless you are struggling to pay for the basics. If you were posting to say you’d spent £100 on yourself without discussion and your DH was seriously pissed about it then people would be calling him controlling. The house issue is a bit different, but then he’s not committed you to anything that can’t be taken back. Obviously a conversation about it between the 2 of you would have the right way to go but it seems like his intentions came from a good place so I couldn’t get that worked up about it. If your marriage is otherwise good then I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff.

It's a bit unclear as the they're not the same issue. If he's springing for the wegovy, it's his own business. It can be a sensitive subject and as you've expressed disdain for it, he'd be ashamed to mention it to you and shame is the last thing he needs if he's got weight issues.

The house situation is different, but I'm not sure what all the wider context about schools etc means. He just did something thoughtless/bad comms and that's unreasonable but it's not the same as the other example.

My partner would have no issue with me taking a medication I had decided I needed and paying for it if I could afford to. I wouldn't ask him first. Though I'd probably have mentioned it. Nor would he have a problem with me trying to progress a house purchase if it was obvious we both loved it. I mean, it's not like you signed contracts. Just a bit of over excitement that was probably unwise on his part, but not the end of the world. I suppose if he's usually domineering and pushes his way forward in the relationship then it might be a symptom of that, which would obviously be a problem.

This is probably going to sound quite blunt, but I would be very wary of buying a house with someone who doesn't trust you enough to talk to you about wegovy. I'm so sorry.

I would be furious if my partner had a discussion about finances regarding a house purchase without including me. I wouldn't dream of not including him in the reverse scenario. Does he do this sort of thing in other situations?

You don't store wegovy in the fridge unless it's an unopened pen

I can see where he's coming from on the Wegovy. Weight loss can be quite a personal thing. Financially it depends how big of a chunk of your shared budget that is, and how much personal spends you normally have.

On the house, he's being unreasonable and presumptious, that's a massive shared financial decision.

Agree with this.

Hard to vote because I think the Wegovy is fine and the house is not.

I bought Wegovy using my own spending money and didn't tell DH for a few months. I wanted to see how I got on with it without any pressure.

The house is obviously a huge joint purchase and should have been agreed with both of you before.

Two separate issues and you've manipulated the voting choices ridiculously.

Regarding the Wegovy - it's a very sensitive issue. If my husband felt I wouldn't be supportive over something like this and got it in secret, I'd genuinely be sad that he felt he couldn't talk to me. I absolutely wouldn't be furious with him. I'd look at myself and wonder why he felt like that.

Regarding the house price discussion. Yes, I'd be annoyed it but I assume no formal agreement took place and perhaps it was more of a "testing the waters" conversations. A formal offer needs to take place once you've both discussed it.

I put YABU because of the Wegovy, that’s a personal thing that he shouldn’t need to discuss with anyone, but he is unreasonable about the house.