I don’t like her teen so I’m not inviting them to bday

[Orangeandgold]

I’m hosting a child friendly birthday gathering at home for myself - about 10 friends are invited - I have a teen daughter. About half of my friends have children.

I have 2 mum friends I would like to invite (as in we are friends from the school gate - they are not as close as my main friends but I probably see them more as weve done lots with the kids over the years). I want to invite them mainly so that my daughter has people her age to hang with ( all of my friends have children (under 8s).

I like both of the mums, but I cannot stand one of their teens (neither can by daughter even though they are apparently good friends). Annoyingly it will be awkward if I invite one mum and not the other - so it’s better that none of them attend. Her child (well teen) jumps on sofas, moves the rug around, screams at my DD (and that was the first and last time she came over to our house for DDs birthday). Whenever we go out she pushes her friends, shouts if she doesn’t get her own way. We were out the other day and she kept hitting my daughter, telling her to shut up constantly, taking her phone and running with it - and my daughter was clearly upset and getting angry. I don’t need that stress in my house!

I don’t think I’m unreasonable for not inviting the teen to my gathering. I told the other mum that I’m not comfortable with that teen at my birthday and so I’m not inviting them - she said I’m being unreasonable and that I shouldn’t “criminalise” children. There will be other adults there so they will all probably behave etc etc

What do you think?

(I won’t be inviting the teen regardless - but I guess I want validation for my thought process).

I think your main mistake was telling the other mum. If they are school gate friends only, could you have gotten away with just having a do at your house and it being main pals only. I get though that social media would show that you had ppl over if you uploaded pics but if I saw it was your main friends I wouldn't be too bothered by it.

Why are you allowing this teen around your daughter at all outside of school? Time to teach her and show her healthy boundaries, not allow what sounds like a bully around her.

‘Criminalise’?!

I agree. I had a chat with the other mum about keeping my distance. She agreed as her DD has also had problems with this girl. So I’m surprised that she doesn’t get it.

I invited the other mum to a family festival and she invited the second mum. Even though they had a falling out recently.

What does her mum do when she is doing all this? Does she just allow her daughter to hit others and jump around screaming on furniture?

I am confused.

You invited these two mums mainly so that your Dd had company her age (their DD’s)…. but you specifically don’t want one of the DD’s to come?

Invite the Mums who are your friends IF you want them at the party, but separately tell your Dd she can invite a few friends, whether or not their mums are coming. I wouldn’t assume that an invite to me included my teen.

I would invite neither/ the teen sounds awful and old enough to know better but agree with others maybe next time don’t mention it to other mum….

Can't your teen just bring her best friend to the party so she has company? It doesn't have to be the teens of one of your mum friends.

Why do you need validation for such a simple decision? Of course you don't want a poorly behaved teenager at your party. I don't understand why you'd discuss this with that other mum or ever spend time with them in the first place, nevermind subjecting your daughter to them.

You're unreasonable for not telling the girls mum that she was jumping on your sofa/screaming at your child. She's not a toddler.

Her best friends are those teens. They are her friends parents, and we (me and them) have developed a friendship on the back of our teens friendship - well we’ve known eachother since primary school.

The badly behaved one has changed since Secondary school and we have kept our distance from the family.

I’ve told my DD I don’t want the badly behaved teen there. She has agreed. But then feels like she can’t invite her other close friends because it will cause issues in the playground. I’ve given her the option to invite 2 of her closest friends. One of them is the daughter of the mum who thinks I’m being unreasonable. That is her best friend. What’s odd is that a few weeks ago we both agreed that we were keeping our distance from them as there has been issues with our teens and the Andy behaved one - once the police had to get involved when they went out as a trio for the first time. So we have kept our distance but it’s a strange dynamic.

If you've told the "good teen" mum that you aren't inviting her because of "bad teen" mum, and her reactionnwas that you should invite both, then im sorry to say that you are about to be ostracised from that friend group. You've massively put your foot in your mouth.

Surely it would have been far easier to say to your daughter

“ I’m having a little party at home for my birthday on Sat - my friends ‘abc’ and their sproggletts ‘xyz’ are coming.

do you want to invite one of your friends along to come and keep you company ? “

far less drama all around and your daughter has someone her age with her!!!

I can't get past the notion of a teenager who behaves like a toddler. How has this happened? And no, I would not invite them but rather let your DD just invite a couple of her own friends or let her go out during the party instead.

Exactly. Why do you need other people to tell you not to invite her?

She can just tell the 'friend' that she doesn't like her anymore because the 'friend' hits her and steals her phone. She can then invite the nice friend.

Just invite the nicely behave girl and her Mum. They already know about it. With luck they can keep it quiet.

Why has her behaviour changed so dramatically? These things rarely some out of nowhere.

”Teen” covers a lot .. how old are they ? What has her mum said about the change in behaviour ?