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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be shocked that my friend would replace a broken borrowed toy with a second hand one?

24 replies

blearyeyedandshattered · 08/04/2008 10:50

Really a genuine question as to whether IABU rather than wanting everyone to reinforce what I already think...

A friend has borrowed an expensive cot mobile from a mutual friend for her ds2. Her ds1 broke it. She hasn't told mutual friend and plans to buy a replacement on eBay.

Now I'm not sure why I am uncomfortable with this really - the one she had borrowed was used afterall. But personally if I broke something I had borrowed from a friend I would without question buy a new replacement rather than a second hand one. I think out of respect that they had done me a favour by lending it to me in the first place.

AIBU to be a bit put out on behalf of our mutual friend? I am going to butt out and leave it between them but would be interested in your thoughts...

OP posts:

justabouttohavelunch · 08/04/2008 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WanderingTrolley · 08/04/2008 10:52

I would replace with a new one, if I could afford to do so, or at least offer money towards a replacement.

Perhaps your friend can't afford a new mobile? Is that why she borrowed one to begin with?

Carmenere · 08/04/2008 10:55

If someone borowed something like a mobile from me I wouldn't expect it back. If it was precious it shouldn't have been lent in the first place. I wouldn't want a friend who couldn't afford one in the first place, to go to the expense of replacing it with a new one and I wouldn't really want a second-hand one.

PinkTulips · 08/04/2008 10:55

tbh, i think YABU for several reasons;

i would imagine it was borrowed as she couldn't afford one herself and therefore she probably can't afford to replace it either

it was used anyway so as long as she gets a good condition replacement, it's the same thing isn't it?

if you loan something to a family with young children you do so knowing there is a definite possibility that it will be destroyed, she's being quite decent replacing it at all, most wouldn't bother to do so

stillstanding · 08/04/2008 10:55

I agree with WT. Default position would be to buy a new one unless circumstances meant that that wasn't possible. Either way I would discuss with the lender and be very apologetic.

HaventSleptForAYear · 08/04/2008 10:55

I can see why your initial reaction is a bit but actually when you think of the price of those things, and the fact that you can only use them for 4 mths tops before the baby starts grabbing at them (presumably what happened to your friend), then it seems kind of ludicrous to shell out for a brand new one.

As long as she gets brand new batteries for it, your other friend will actually be better off with a second-hand one with new batteries IYSWIM.

Think you should tell your friend to be honest too - other friend might notice if it's not identical and wonder what is going on?

meemar · 08/04/2008 10:56

as an aside, do you know she is planning on getting it second hand? She could be buying it new on ebay.

WigWamBam · 08/04/2008 11:01

What's unreasonable is telling you that she's broken it, but not telling the person it belongs to.

The deceit isn't so much that she's going to replace it with a second hand one, but that she feels the need to lie to your friend about it. That's what would sit badly with me, not the fact that she is going to buy second-hand.

iloatheironing · 08/04/2008 11:05

Lending things to friends is always a difficult area. The rule of thumb I have is never lend anything you would be upset about if you didn't get it back. This is after a friend sent a fisher price 'record player' style musical toy I had leant her ds to a jumble sale. It had sentimental value and in hind sight I should never have leant it.

belgo · 08/04/2008 11:06

She should be honest and offer money for it instead of buying another one.

Onlyaphase · 08/04/2008 11:06

I do understand your feelings here, and think the issue is simply that of not being honest with your mutual friend rather than the replacing of something with a second hand item. Wouldn't it be more sensible to be honest and ask what this mutual friend would like to be done - as PinkTulips says you do run the risk of this happening when younch children are involved so it is always a possibility - as she may prefer a replacement of something else more age appropriate.

justabouttohavelunch · 08/04/2008 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumto2daughters · 08/04/2008 11:24

If I lent someone something like a mobile I wouldn't worry too much if it got broke, I wouldn't really expect them to replace it. I assume your friend who lent it had finished using it anyway.

alicet · 08/04/2008 11:29

Have to say that the thing that shocks me on here is how many of you think it's perfectly ok to BORROW something and not return it!!! I find that totally unreasonable!

Agree not sensible to lend something with sentimental value but to think you don't have to give it back or that it's ok to break it or sell it at a jumble sale is well out of order I think.

When I lend baby things I make it quite clear what I want back and what I am not bothered about in order to avoid this. Personally wouldn't mind second hand (as long as in comparable condition to one I had lent) although would replace for someone else with new if I could afford it.

lucyellensmum · 08/04/2008 12:07

Might it be that the reason the toy was lent was because the friend couldnt afford one herself and would struggle to afford a new replacement? If it were me i would tell my friend not to worry, accidents happen - tis what kids do.

If it was of sentimental value, then she shouldnt have lent it in the first place. I gave stuff to BIL and neice when they had their babies, i have heard through the grape vine that these things haven't been looked after, despite me saying, if you dont want them please may i have them back, But that is not the same as an accident. Bet the friend feels terrible.

Youcannotbeserious · 08/04/2008 12:13

Personally, I think youa re being a bit unreasonable..... and this is the reason I'm busy buying stuff off e-bay rather than asking friends and family to loan me stuff - because I don't want to deal with this sort of petty stuff when I have a new baby to deal with.

(I agree with you, LcyEllensmum - if something is of importance, it shouldn't be lent to a young family!)

Squirdle · 08/04/2008 12:16

If I lend things like baby equipment to people I wouldn't worry if it broke. These things happen and as someone else said, if they are that precious, don't lend them.

flight · 08/04/2008 12:16

Are you familiar with ebay? I have bought a lot of baby things on there, including expensive cot mobiles, which were in as good as new condition - purely the fact that they are on ebay makes them cheaper even if they haven't been removed from the box! So no, she will probably be aiming to get one like this, so her friend has no reason to be upset. It just shaves a few quid off the shop price, that's all!

Whether she admits it or not is a different moral issue.

Squirdle · 08/04/2008 12:18

And actually before I had finished having children I didn't lend baby equipment or toys out, simply because I knew I would need to use it again. So I have given people things not lent them and then that is up to them what they want t do with it.

flight · 08/04/2008 12:20

I do that too Squirdle. If I know I'll be upset, I just give the things away or don't lend them.

PinkTulips · 08/04/2008 13:25

gotta say, i've never lent or borrowed any baby stuff. i either give it away or keep it for the next baby and i've only ever gotton things from people who weren't having more and no longer needed them

safest way really!

Original poster

blearyeyedandshattered · 08/04/2008 13:31

Thanks for all your responses ladies... On reading through the responses I think actually I am more bothered that the first friend is lying about it. Maybe lender friend would be very happy with a second hand one. I know I would be in this situation and certainly wouldn't lend anything myself and expect it to come back pristine - this is not what children do!!! And it was a genuine accident.

To address a couple of the comments:

Borrower friend would probably struggle to afford a new one it's true. I do know though that she was looking for a cheap option on ebay rather than a new one. I guess on reflecting when I've read back on here I can totally understand why she would do this and I am familiar with ebay so do know that you can get some good quality stuff there (have bought lots for ds's myself!)

Friend who lent it had not finished with it. She doesn't need it at the mo as her dd is 2 but she is trying for a second child at the mo and was planning to use it for them. I know first friend knows this too and also that it was definately a loan which is why she is planning to replace it having broken it...

Actually I am just going to butt out - it's their business not mine and if it all goes tits up I'll play ignorant. Sure it won't - they're both reasonable people!

As an aside I am [shick] that a lot of you think lending means giving. I don't think this is the same at all! If I was giving something I would make that clear but if I lent something I would expect it back in reaosnable condition (not the same as I lent it but not trashed)

OP posts:

Youcannotbeserious · 08/04/2008 13:54

I'm not really sure why your friend would lie about it.... I'd be amazed if your other friend didn't notice.

I think I'd come clean and admit to the accident....

2GIRLS · 09/04/2008 12:55

I wouldn't lend anything to anyone, I would rather give them something that I didn't need anymore. I mean baby stuff really, if someone wanted to borrow a lawn mower I would probably lend it to them!

But there's always the chance of something getting ruined. If i borrowed something and it broke, I would have to replace it (though this sort of defeats the purpose as if you have to borrow something it usually means that you don't want to spend money buying it).
And I think I would be a bit annoyed if someone borrowed my lawnmower, broke it and just returned it broken saying sorry! Then I'd have to go out and buy another lawnmower which they'd probably want to borrow again... Oh dear, all very complicated.

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