My mums partner A (not my Dad) died quite recently and because of a number of sad circumstances, ended up leaving a small fortune to my mum and my younger sibling, let's call them sibling 3 (also not sibling 3's bio Dad).
A also left sibling 2 and I a comparatively small lump sum-which we're really grateful for and weren't expecting as A came into my mums life when myself and sibling 2 were grown up and had long since left home. A effectively raised sibling 3 for a good portion of his life and was a second parent. A's bio father was absent. Ours died when we were young adults (our parents divorced when sibling 2 and I were kids)
Sibling 3 has always been mums favourite, she denies this but everyone else, including sibling 3, recognises this as fact. It's something we've learned to live with and while I'm a bit resentful, it is what it is and I try not to talk about it or let it get to me, as far as primal instinct will let me! I know she still loves me, she just reaaaallly loves sibling 3.
Now my mum is toe curlingly tight fisted. At least with sibling 2 and I. She's never been rich (until recently) but she's also never struggled. She's in middle management If you want an idea of her financial situation. An example of her tightness is that despite being the wealthiest of all of us, she asks that we all chip in for Xmas dinner (absolutely fine) But without fail she volunteers herself for the veg. Which is 20p a bag in lidl so she can do the christmas hospitality for around a quid. Meanwhile it's on me and sibling 2 -and our partners, to provide all the trimmings, booze, cheese, snacks etc. Which she'll absolutely partake in. It's a running joke between the rest of us but it does also sting a bit. I've never known her pay for anything more than what she and sibling 3 orders if we go out to eat (which for her will be the cheapest thing on the menu unless someone else is paying) and we only ever started going out to eat when I was old enough to pay for my own food at around 16. We've had to start tipping waiting staff directly because she had this habit of waiting til everyone else had put money down (including their tips) and then paying whatever the difference was on the bill -effectively using the waiters tips that we'd paid, to pay for her own meal. That kind of tight.
Until it comes to sibling 3. Who has never wanted for anything, mum paid his way through university so he could study abroad. She will pay for his meals when we eat out as a family (ie birthdays), she paid his legal fees when he got into some trouble abroad, she has always chauffeured him anywhere he wanted while Sibling 2 and I have always had to use public transport. We wouldn't even ask because we knew it would be a no. When I left uni I had no money and was in a zero hours contract job, I was in quite bad debt and so did some pretty depressing things to get money so I could pay rent, because I knew my mum would be too tight to help out.
So that's the background with regard to finance and my mum.
Here's the kicker, what I want to know if IABU for feeling bitter about:
Sibling 3 wants to buy a house with his new found wealth. He has no credit history on account of my mum always bank rolling him, so despite having an enormous amount of money for a deposit (enough to buy a small flat or a small house in a rougher area) he will struggle to get a mortgage in principle straight away. So my mum has offered to lend him enough money to get a better place, which he'll pay her back for over 12 years. He hasnt asked for this, she's just offering it.
She hasn't offered me or Sib 2 a penny towards our mortgages, which have effectively doubled since we got them (following a lot of working our arses off in low paying jobs, although we both have partners so the costs are split). There is, poetically, a 12 year gap between me and sibling 3 so by the time he is my age, he will have bought a house outright, having never paid interest or had to save for anything. I will still be paying off my mortgage for another 5-10 years, possibly more. As will sibling 2.
My mum reckons this is equitable because me and sibling 2 have partners and sibling 3 is 'more vulnerable' as a single man of 24. (She has described him as such, he's not vulnerable. He's single because he treats the many women he dates really very poorly. He's very attractive and charismatic but is really self centered and consequently a terrible boyfriend to the women in his life). He's bright and clever and will never struggle to find work. He's quite capable of building up a credit score. I'm not sure what the urgency is to buy a house at 24. Who is a single home owner at 24? He's also just bought himself a fancy new car so isn't exactly scrimping and saving.
I don't resent my brother -he's a spoiled brat but I love him dearly and I would absolutely bite my mums hand off if I got that offer.
I do resent my mum for demonstrating SO clearly that she has a favourite and it makes me really sad to think that a) it didn't even occur to her that she might be able to help me and sib 2 financially or b) it did occur to her and she made an active decision not to offer either of us a thing.
I don't even resent her for having a favourite, I've read that 65% of parents have a favourite child. But surely you don't make that so blatantly obvious to spare the other kids' feelings?!
Even if she were to retract it all now, the damage is done. Her cards are on the table and sib 2 and I are both feeling pretty crap.
Am I being gross for not being able to just be happy for them? AIBU for thinking this is a step too far? I've got kids of my own and can't imagine ever treating them so differently.