Grumpy husband

[juicie]

He's just so fucking miserable and I don't know how to help him. He refuses to get help or even acknowledge that he's grumpy.

But it's just not nice to be around him.

He hates his life. It's mainly because of his work. But he can't and won't change it, as he's put so much into it.

I'm so fed up of walking on egg shells and always trying to make him happy. He never appreciates it anyway. I let him take the lead on most decisions because he's just such a grump and blames me for everything. This ranges from where to go on holiday / to decorating and pretty much everything. I let him have the last say. For an easier life.

How can you help someone who doesn't want to change or can't change ? His face makes me angry now. His whole demeanour makes me angry. He's just so grumpy all the time. It makes him extremely unattractive tbh. I don't want to be intimate with him and then he gets even more grumpy / and quite simply unkind and nasty.

Well, y'know, he sounds pretty effing depressed.
And then you seem to be hating on him for being that way.
And withdrawing from him so presumably he doesn't even have anyone that he can unload on so has to bottle it up.

What's his work? Does it pay the bills? What happens if he gives it up - is there a plan that lets him earn less, or is he stuck because he can't actually move?

Or does it give him some status? If so, where's he going to find a substitute thing that will make him feel good about himself again?

Have you had these conversations? And I do mean conversations, as in 2-way chats, rather than a "you should..." type discussion.

Leave him, you can't help someone that doesn't want helping.

Sounds exhausting. Its hard trying to help someone that won't help themselves. How long can you realistically put up with this if things don't change?

I don't know. It's really tough.

I think you just need to start focussing on you. Do things that make you happy. If possible have some money put away if you need it for the future. Life is so short. Has he been like this before and pulled himself out of it?

He's chosen to continue in a job that spoils his life and that his right. He doesn't have the right to spoil yours though. And if he won't take responsibility to make himself happier, you shouldn't see it as yours. Tbh all this pandering you're doing is probably just stopping him hitting the rock bottom he needs to hit to make changes. Because you're preventing him from feeling the full impact of doing a job he hates by shielding him from anything else that's not to his liking.
My advice if you want to stay with him is to stop it. Be yourself, insist on some of your choices and if he doesn't like it, tough. Choose activities and holidays you'll enjoy and do them without him if needs be.

How long has this been going on for?

He won't change so that means you have to. At this point, you are choosing to live this way. You have done what you can, and he won't accept help, therefore you have to change. The only thing keeping you with him, and in such an unhappy environment, is you. I sure as hell would refuse to live the rest of my life the way you're living now.

I have an ultimatum; do something about it or I am leaving.

I meant it.
She knew I meant it.

She went to GP and was prescribed antidepressants.
It's not a cure but it has massively helped.

It was the refusal to take action that made me so cross and upset.

I love her so much but couldn't have carried on.

I hope you

It's been especially bad since the birth of our second child, two years ago.

But it's also just partly his personality. He's just a bit downcast in general. Although he doesn't seem that way when you meet him.

Depressed with current life, but with optimism this phase of young children will be over, is one thing...

Getting nasty and unkind because you don't want to have sex with him given he's unpleasant is a different thing altogether.

What is keeping you with him?

You have to walk on eggshells round him, he controls all the major decisions, is joy suckling and refuses to change. He won't change and it'll get worse. I had the same, he's withdrawing from the relationship and being a parent, cut your losses.
If he won't seek help, you can't force him to. You can't make him happy as happiness is a choice that comes from within.
He needs to find it in himself. It will take a long time... Life is short, move on.

I had a husband like that. Turned out he wasn't just grumpy, but actually an abusive bastard and I was a boiled frog. Once I left him life was much more fun.

That's a long time to put up with this. I could understand being grumpy with stress temporarily during a stressful situation but two years of normal life?

Will you be happy living like this indefinitely?