To not push DDs to stay at exes?

[Bearybasket]

Sorry, this has became a bit long winded!

Ex and I have two dd’s now 14 and 15.
We split while I was pregnant with dd14 and have both remarried and had children since. Both of our new partners also have children from previous relationships.

We’re very lucky in that the children have all gotten along very well and have all been excited to become older sibling again.

The only issue we’ve had is that ex has historically been a bit flaky with contact but this was exacerbated by him living further afield and has gotten somewhat better since he moved back to our town a few years ago. The girls have still being staying with him less than they in theory should but it’s been more the girls choice than his now and both he and the girls seem happy with it so I’ve let it be.

However, ex and his partner have been in the process of building their new home. It’s nearing completion and it has only now came to light that despite building and designing it themselves, they’ve not included a room for our dds and expect them to share with their 2yo half brother!

The girls are obviously hurt by this and are refusing to see him at all. Ex and his partner have been hounding me and are under the impression I should be forcing them to go. I have encouraged them to at least go round for dinner but they don’t want to see him at all. I don’t think I should force them and tbh even if I did I don’t know how I could force them??

You can’t force them, that’s ridiculous. He’s going to have to sort his relationship with his girls out himself. I would tell him that they’re annoyed for a reason, and it’s his problem to solve, not yours.

The girls are old enough to decide for themselves. What's the dynamic with your ex's partners children. Do they have a room and is it only your dd's who don't? How many other children are there? Is it a case that they would need a lot of rooms to appease everyone? As it is they can't be expected to share with a toddler. Not fair to the girls.

It's up to them, but I also think they should be telling their dad- he has made no accomodation for them, they don't feel welcome and don't want to go. Could a compromise be going one day a week or every other weekend just for the day? Your ex is clueless as well not realising that two older teenage girls don't want to share with a 2 yr old toddler.

No you can’t force them.

How often did they actually go around there to sleep anyway?

I don’t see the problem with them sharing with their brother if it’s not very often. No point having a room free 95% of the time if they only go over to sleep once a month etc

How many kids does he have (including his wife’s previous kids)

Do his step children have rooms of their own?

If they did I would presume it’s because they live there

In theory they should stay every other weekend and one weeknight. They do usually stay the weeknight but they felt like they weren’t actually doing anything with ex on the saturday as he’s usually taking step sibling to sports/clubs so they usually just stay the saturday night on the weekends they’re meant to be with him, during term time at least

Both the current house and the new house have 4 bedrooms. In the current house the step kids share one room, dds share another and toddler has a room. In the new house the step children will have their own rooms (they’re a soon to be teenage boy and a preteen girl and both live there full time so that’s needed)
There’s also a study/ home office that ex has said is non negotiable.

They’ve always have always shared a room by choice at our house so weren’t expecting a room each. I don’t think they’d have been so hurt if ex’d had just moved and this was the new arrangement but they’re hurt that he and his partner seem to have designed the place from scratch without thinking about them.

That is hurtful and I see why they are upset especially as the build budget is not the reason. He can afford the luxury of a study but not a bedroom for his daughters. They and you need to be clear with him how they feel. They are of an age now where they can decide for themselves whether they want to go to his home and I absolutely would let them decide and he can suck it up.

He's sent them a really clear message hasn't he?

You mentioned other children, so do his step children have beds?

YANBU. I can understand space being very difficult to find in these situations but he prioritised a home office over a room for his girls. He could have made it so that it could be their room and an office space when they aren't there but didn't bother. Not surprised they feel hurt. An office was non negotiable but a space for his girls to feel loved and cared about was not.

“I’m not making them do anything. You hurt them when you didn’t factor a room in for them in your new house, despite having a study room, and it’s up to you to fix the damage you’ve done, not me.”

An office was non negotiable but a space for his girls to feel loved and cared about was not.

Well said. What a twat.

He should have built the study with bunks or twin beds

Does he know why they don't want to go to his? I would give him that information and then stay out of it. At their ages they are old enough to make their own decisions and it's for him to repair that relationship.

At their ages, nobody can force them to go.

It's pretty clear to see why they feel hurt, as this was a deliberate choice by your ex and his partner. It is not fair to ask your DDs to share on a regular basis with a two year old. Also not fair on the toddler! What about sleeping times etc? And guess they won't be able to leave any stuff in the room, safe from toddler curiosity . Very thoughtless of their dad, and he's just not thought about them and their needs has he?

You can’t force them and as much as we’ve tried to mediate and encourage in this situation it causes more harm than good to force it. Have you explained to your ex how they are feeling?

Sounds like you've down the right thing. Encourage them to go but don't force, well you can't really force them to go. They are at an age where they know their own minds. Tbh I'm not surprised they are upset, must be fairly heartbreaking to know your dad has built his own house but not accommodates you. I'd be pissed too in their shoes

Absolutely do not force them.
They have every right to be very hurt that there is no shared bedroom for them to sleep in.
Clearly they never figured at all in the planning for this house.
Your ex has messed up.
Not your problem.to fix. You will not be forcing them to go anywhere.
What a loser.

this. actions have consequences. He needs to stop bullying you and your daughters.

This is his problem to fix.
I’m not surprised they don’t want to see him, he’s making them feel very unwanted.

His actions speak volumes and he should have considered ALL his children in the design.

I'd tell him to rethink the design - bunk beds in the 2 year olds room then the 2 year old shares with them when the girls stay? But even if he changes things now the damage is done...

Mh daughter is 13 and I've stopped facilitating the relationship between her and her dad. She's old enough to know what she wants and to gauge whether she wants to be in that environment, and he's had a daughter for 13 years so presumably he will remember that without me prompting? Who knows.

Let your children decide for themselves, and let him do his own bidding. It's not your responsibility to facilitate a relationship between your children and another adult.