Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To miss my ex and wish it had worked out

16 replies

Thewayyouusedtodo33 · 14/06/2024 20:36

I left, I was advised to leave and posted on here, we split up around 7 months ago.
We had been together around 4 years, living together for 3 but he was a bit commitment-phobic and I was advised to leave as he was hesitant to say if I was the one and if he could see himself with me a few years from now.
He was in and out of employment and I ended up paying more of the rent etc. Even though I wasn't a higher earner.
He wouldn't compromise on where we lived.

He was also quite critical of me in some ways and admitted he had tried to put me down a little to make himself feel better.
So I left.
We've stayed on very good terms which has been surprising, we still talk all the time and have had a coffee about 3 or 4 times since. I have supported him with some health issues he had.
I know I haven't painted a great picture of him, I think a lot of it was down to his mental health and where he was in life, he didn't feel he could provide a decent life for me. I never cared about money, I didn't want a big fancy wedding and was more than happy with a registry office. We also discussed children, it was a bit tricky as I am 4 years older.

Even though I left, I really regret it didn't work out. We had mostly a fantastic time together and shared so many wonderful experiences. He wasn't at all surprised I left, I had already told him twice in the weeks prior that I was leaving.
I don't know if it could ever work out. Does it sound like there could be any sort of compromise? Im not bothered about the whole marriage thing anymore if I'm honest. I just don't know.

OP posts:

poolemoney · 14/06/2024 20:46

All the reasons why you broke up with him remain.

To get back with him will be a step backward.

He won’t change, in fact he’ll get worse, because it will be much harder for you to leave a second time due to sunk cost fallacy.

You ned to go cold turkey and block and delete him everywhere.

Stop giving him space in your head and leave yourself open to meeting someone new who will treat you well.

daisychain01 · 14/06/2024 21:03

I'm going to sound harsh but I can't think of any other way to say this. You got advice on here to leave him, which you did, but not fully, you've carried on seeing him so you've basically ignored the advice you were given.

now you're back again wanting to try and justify getting back with him - just a reminder here what you left

commitment phobe
criticised you to make himself feel better
in and out of employment
wouldn't compromise on living arrangements., selfish.

he put nothing into your relationship, yet you took the crumbs from his table and seem grateful for what he gave - nothing.

you're not going to attract a lot of responses if all you do is ignore advice already given, the situation hasn't changed since the last time you asked. Sorry.

OneLuckyDuck · 14/06/2024 22:16

I feel for you OP. When we miss someone it’s easy to look back on fond memories and overlook some of the not so good things. There is a reason why you left him and I know you said posting on here influenced you but if you weren't already considering this as an option I really doubt you would have been influenced by strangers online. It doesn’t sound to me that there has been any substantial changes in him since you have been separated and the fact you have had to continue to look after him is really indicative of this. Only you can decide if you get back with him but you should ask yourself if thats the life you would be honestly happy living for the rest of your life

Aliceglass · 14/06/2024 22:28

You left because you were advised to? You should have left because you wanted to And that you were sure the relationship was done with. Don’t make serious life decisions on biased advice you read on mumsnet jeez

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/06/2024 23:07

He's no different now. I think you need to move on and mix with different people and avoid seeing him. He wasn't great. That's why you left him.

Undisclosedlocation · 14/06/2024 23:09

You miss the man you want him to be, not the man he is

Guavafish1 · 14/06/2024 23:12

He is not good enough. I would cut your coffee dates.

It takes time to adjust without a constant presence in your life. You didn't break up on bad terms.

But you're too good for him. Time to ditch the heavy weight.

Apileofballyhoo · 14/06/2024 23:16

He is still stringing you along, keeping his options open, staying friends so if he decides he wants more you'll be there. While waiting to see if someone better than you comes along.

Meadowfinch · 15/06/2024 00:06

Undisclosedlocation · 14/06/2024 23:09

You miss the man you want him to be, not the man he is

This. You are nostalgic for the man you hoped he would be. I think that's normal. But he wasn't willing to commit, didn't want children (which he called 'not being able to provide the life you wanted). It's normal to grieve for the good bits and the fantasy. But all the reasons you left him are still there.

I still miss my ex. Together 5 years, he announced just before our wedding that he definitely didn't want children. There's no room for compromise on that one so I called it off. Moved on in life, had ds, have raised ds alone. I wouldn't change what I have for a moment but it doesn't stop me missing what it could have been like, occasionally. Ex is still single, still local. It's a nice fantasy, but that's all. In the end he didn't care about my happiness.

Neither did yours.

daisychain01 · 15/06/2024 05:15

Aliceglass · 14/06/2024 22:28

It wasn't as if MNers popped up and gave the OP advice that wasn't asked for and held a gun to their head.

I do feel for the OP because there is nothing worse than yearning for a relationship that you wish would have worked out, but at some point you have to say This is a busted flush and it's time to move forward, otherwise you just end up being a doormat and wasting years of life on someone who has shown their true colours, and has done nothing to earn your love.

Offcom · 15/06/2024 05:32

From your post it sounds like he’s doing better mentally now - maybe you’re meant to be friends and nothing more

Michelle12A · 15/06/2024 05:59

Apileofballyhoo · 14/06/2024 23:16

He is still stringing you along, keeping his options open, staying friends so if he decides he wants more you'll be there. While waiting to see if someone better than you comes along.

I can tell you’ve never had any male friends

Michelle12A · 15/06/2024 06:01

Ultimately we don’t know the guy, you do.

you should be making the choice not some losers on a web forum

Ncbounce · 15/06/2024 06:08

if you want to get back with him then you should if that’s what you want.. no one knows the circumstances as well as you!! Please don’t rely on Mumsnet to make a decision for you - I think a lot of people here have skewed views towards telling people to leave their partners and usually these people are the most vocal. We don’t know you or him at all and there are lots of things at play.

Have a chat to him about it - does he want to get back together?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/09/2024 13:30

You had a great time together in many ways and you haven't met anyone else, so missing him is natural. If you are willing to put up with all the things that made you unhappy last time, why not suggest getting back together? But only if you're sure you can live with with them now.

pineapplefizz · 08/09/2024 13:42

I had to end a 4 year relationship with someone who'd proposed to me, HOWEVER, it was NEVER going to work. He didn't really want to marry me, he never really loved me and quite frankly he could barely tolerate me. He wanted lots of sex, he wanted to experiment with sex clubs and whatnot and I am perimenopausal - the two are a terrible combination. He also held immense resentment because I had mental health issues. We rowed all the time over nothing...

Saying all that I fucking adored the man. All the gaslighting, blaming me for things, turning sometime into nothing... I still loved him... but a PP poster said it right, I was loving the man I wanted him to be.... he wasn't ever going to be that man TO ME. He hated me....

He's happy now, being kind to someone he feels deserves his love and I am pleased for him x

Flip