My manager is pushing me to a mental breakdown!

[Ontheverge1]

Long story short..

I work for the NHS and have for about 18 months. I lost someone close to me a couple of months ago and have been finding things really difficult. Before the bereavement I was verbally promised a job at work, a higher band (manager said it's yours 100%, I'll coach you through everything but don't tell anyone or I'll deny it). I lost one of the closest people to me and tried to push through it to 'prove' myself. Went for the interview not long after my loss and was told I didn't get the job because I wasn't in the right headspace. I was devastated but took it on the chin. I still turned up for work whilst planning the funeral but didn't have much support from managers.
I've been finding things difficult when triggers happen like seeing the Dr who cared for my loved one or patients that remind me of that person. I leave, go to the toilets, cry and go back to work.
I asked my manager if I could have some time off and she said yeah it will be fine, put it in an email and I'll sort it.
I've been planning a holiday with a friend, without my children, to get away from everything, have no responsibilities and try and help my mental health. I assumed all would be okay so booked the holiday.
When I returned back to work I found an email to say it was unauthorised because someone else was off. I cried. I've been looking forward to it for weeks, giving me light at the end of the tunnel and now I don't know what to do.
I feel like my manager is being difficult. There is people there that could do the job.
I feel like I need a few weeks away from work and that it's all getting too much. She did say if I needed time after the nereavement to get a sick note. I NEED this holiday, I NEED a break. I NEED something to look forward to.
I was trying to manage my mental health in my own way and feel like I'm being pushed in to a dark place. I know I was stupid to book it but was gullible in trusting her.
Will I get in trouble if I go off sick and talk to the Dr about everything? The policy states disciplinary action can be taken if fraud is suspected taking sick leave but I genuinely am at such a low point that I don't want to have a mental breakdown. I love my job but I'm sat here tears streaming down my face whilst writing this because I feel so defeated. I don't know what to do! I've never taken a day sick before, I always push through but it's getting too much 😪

I think you need to see your GP. You need time off from work, not because of your manager but because you’re not functioning.

You sound incredibly stressed and some time at home and away from work is what you need. This is especially true as you’re being triggered by seeing doctors and patients.

I am sorry you’re going through this but you need to give yourself time to try to get into a place where you can cope with your loss.

See your GP ..t.ake some time off..
'disciplinary action can be taken if fraud is suspected taking sick leave' .....don't worry about this I've never heard of this and have no idea how they would prove it. Maybe start looking for a new role there are loads of other NHS jobs out there.

There’s no question of fraud if you’re genuinely unwell, which it certainly sounds like. The NHS usually has an occupational health department to look after the health needs of staff (or it did when I worked for the NHS) including mental health issues, so maybe contact them for support?

I'm not the only person that has issues with her. She enjoys throwing around the term 'plausible deniability'. She's nice when things are going her way but when they're not it's a different story.
I've just spoken to my partner and he said to try and have a meeting with her and HR but I don't want cause myself more problems.
I want to be in the best frame of mind to do my job. I've worked myself to the ground for months with no thanks. If I go off sick and go on the holiday whilst off she will try and arrange a meeting during the time I'm supposed to be away to catch me out but I genuinely booked it for my mental health. I feel like I'm in a no win situation but I feel if I talk to the GP they will agree it's in my best interests. I'm very aware of my mental health and can manage it to a degree but she's making things so difficult. I've come in on bank holidays alone to get work done. I've got nearly 100 hours owed to me. I'm not an awful employee!

You need to see your gp and get a sick note. It's not fraud if your doctor has signed you off.
If she tries to arrange a meeting tell her you aren't well enough.

Speak to your gp and you can self refer to occupational health, your union may also be able to advise you. Never believe anything a manager tells you if it's verbal and they tell you to keep it quiet. After some time off I would be asking to move to a different ward or department and possibly downgrade if you're feeling really stressed and are struggling.

I've just joined the union in case. I love my job, the department and everything about it. I'm just finding at a really difficult time I don't have that much support. I've never lost anyone before and she was the closest person to me. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with it all and thought I was doing quite well until she keeps knocking me back.
I would like to say I've learnt my lesson but I'm so nieve sometimes!
Thank you for all of your support ❤️

I went through an almost identical situation last year with the death of my Mum and a lot of caring for her, holding it all together, trying to be a good daughter, wife, mother and employee. I nearly killed myself trying not to fail. Once she passed, my DH gave me a metaphorical 'free pass' to go wherever I wanted, with whoever I wanted, for as long as I wanted. I rented a cabin for four days and just spent it alone. This was while signed off by the Dr. If my work had tried to stop me, I can't describe how destroyed I would have felt. Please do this, but get signed off. You're not coping, you need this. I wish you all the very best xxx

@OldPine I'm sorry for your loss, its awful losing someone close to you.

Destroyed is a very accurate definition of how I'm feeling right now & thank you!

I wouldn't say I'm depressed just finding things difficult and need to recharge my batteries before I end up on that slippery slope. I'm going to talk to the GP and see if there's any support available following a bereavement x

Oh love. You need a break.

Go to the GP and get signed off, for a month (assuming this is affordable for you), go on your holiday with your friend. Relax, reflect and go back to work when you are ready.

And next time your manager utter the plausible deniability bollocks, confirm
it with her in email and copy in her manager.

@Ontheverge1
I'm a manager in NHS Scotland, our absence policy is 'once for Scotland ' so we should all be the same (if your in Scotland) if your elsewhere it may be different. (Although it's not always the case that the rules are followed correctly in different places)

I imagine your sick line will be due to stress.
Your manager is unlikely to meet with you until after 29 days sickness (ie long term), once you have called in and sent your line in.
There is no reason why someone off with a sick line can't go on holiday as it can be argued that it's beneficial to your mental health.
I would get a copy of your absence absence policy and have quick read over it, to put your mind at rest.
After working in NHS for 20+ years, and love my job, although it's hard, sometimes you just have to put yourself first x

There will be support for you, you can call CRUSE anytime to talk to

I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time.
Please don't worry about the fraud during sick leave - this is for example if you call in with the flu then you're seen out having a big night out. A sick note for mental health and bereavement during which you take a holiday is not even nearly the same thing. If you explain to your doctor they will likely recommend the time away to help you.

In my nhs workplace if someone is off sick and goes on holiday it's discussed with managers.
It's mostly been for reasons such as a holiday would benefit mental health and it has all been ok as the person has been open with the reasons why they can go on holiday whilst not being fit enough for work.
Did she authorise the leave (the exact dates) before you booked the holiday? As I understand I can't authorise AL if too many people are off.

I don’t know about the rest, but I think your manager is right about one thing: if you NEED time off work for your mental health, you should go to your GP and get signed off. Going away for a few days with a friend is a legitimate way of addressing your mental health difficulties. Just don’t post photos of your holiday on social media, because people can get the wrong idea, and that makes everything harder.

I’m NHS and I would definitely advise getting signed off sick by GP. I have done this in similar circumstances. Your work environment at the moment is detrimental to your mental health. This is NOT fraud. Time away will help you recover.
It’s only fraud if you are signed off sick and you are actually working elsewhere on bank or agency shifts. Your sick leave is entirely legitimate

I work in the NHS and was in similar territory. You need that sick leave, you really do. Please get signed off by your GP. Please don't worry about the fraud thing, that's not aimed at situations like yours, not in a million years. It's aimed at people who phone in sick for 2 days and then it comes to light they've been working night shifts in a care home on those days, or phoned in sick and then gone to a festival. It's not aimed at people who genuinely need time away from their current situation to help themselves get better.

Some Trusts have a policy that they refer all stress related absences to Occi Health. This is good. If they don't, refer yourself. I talked to Occi Health about my boss and worries, and they wrote it in their notes (so there was a record of it) but didn't put those concerns in the report they sent back to my boss (there were other reasons for my stress and anxiety, not just my boss being a knob). A while later I had to push things further with my boss and he was PETRIFIED when he realised there was something on official records from previous. I wouldn't trust your boss as far as I could throw her. Be alert. Be cautious. Keep a diary or log of incidents and conversations such as the one about plausible deniability. Note down who else was present. Any potentially incriminating emails - forward them to your home email address. You can look like you Trust her on the surface, but don't. My previous boss was known as 'the smiling assassin' - they would pretend to be amiable but all along was just waiting to take you down.

And if your boss's initials are both the same letter then good luck, you'll need it!

The NHS are notoriously unsympathetic to their own staff when sick. You have to think of yourself and put yourself first. I learnt this the hard way…

First, I would get an appointment with your GP and ask for a months sick leave. At the same time, self refer to Occupational Health. And don’t tell your manager at this stage… when you see OH tell them how bad you are feeling and how you haven’t been supported. Don’t make it personal or name names. Tell them you have a sick note and will be using the time to rest, get some counselling and start to accept your recent bereavement. Tell them this will hopefully allow you to return to work and continue to do your job. You can mention you are planning some time away during this period and have been offered a stay with friends… none of this is unreasonable and it shows very clearly that you are being pro-active in trying to deal with your stress and MH. It will also be documented, and if your manager kicks off at any stage that may help.

Don’t get into any great discussions with your manager when you phone in. I’ve been signed off for a month with stress after my very recent bereavement.

And as others have said, never trust a verbal agreement from a manager. And tell your union what your plans are. You may need their advice.

Good luck..have a good rest and just breath..l

Well, they certainly don’t sound very understanding but I think people are naturally selfish and your manager probably is so wrapped up in themselves that they haven’t realised quite how much this is affecting you. I second the suggestions of taking time off and don’t feel bad about it. Just look after you

nhs oh lead here. Lots of misunderstanding on this thread about oh and what it can do. Oh is there to offer advice on fitness to work and reasonable adjustments. Many oh teams do not allow self referral as they are there to support the organisation and the individual, not just the individual.

if you need time off work go to gp and get a sick note. If you need adjustments at work, talk to your line manager and ask them to refer you to oh.

sorry for your loss and hope your holiday helps.

Your going to have to ask for upaid bereavement leave. It's your only option or cancel the holiday or move it.

I understand your situation but you should never book holidays before you get the leave. I know your in a horrible place and i don't want to sound condescending but there really is nothing you can do here, unless you go above her.

I'm sorry you've had an awful time and are still grieving. I agree with others that you should book a GP appointment as I suspect you need some time off work on sick leave. As you're NHS, there should be access to mental health support through your work (probably under HR or Occ health section of the intranet). You mention you are in a union- some unions also offer access to counselling for members.

If your GP does sign you off with stress leave, you can ask your manager to refer you to occupational health.

Please seek some mental health support OP