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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

how would you feel about a NT 18 year old who still uses a "time out card" at school

24 replies

aerkfjherf · 14/06/2024 17:33

This is my niece. I feel it is ridiculous. She works in a garage at weekends, and doesn't need a time out card there! She just uses it to manipulate situations, if she gets told off, she just walks out of the classroom.

She as already lost a year, and that was partly the number of times she left the room to avoid being told off for not working, talking, etc. She has had to change courses and repeat the first year of sixth form.

She has A levels next year, and is really going to have to knuckle down, because her marks are not good at the moment.

Her parents want the school to put on more booster classes and revision sessions, etc, as they are worried, but my feeling is, just take her time out card away, and make her stay in the lessons that are already on her timetable, and behave in a way to learn.

I work in the same school, so get asked for the insider info, such as is such and such a teacher often absent, etc. I tend not to answer, or answer vaguely, but to me it is very clear why she isn't achieving, she is flashing her time out card around several times a week, and going off on a little jolly instead of staying in the lesson.

She has it to avoid getting into arguments with staff, but AIBU to think that at 18, she should be using a bit more self control to avoid arguments?

OP posts:
Baaliali · 14/06/2024 17:36

At 18 she can surely just walk out at any moment. I teach adults and the first few weeks involves reminding them they don’t have to ask about going to the toilet as they are an adult. They can leave at any minute for any reason with zero explanation.

aerkfjherf · 14/06/2024 17:37

Baaliali · 14/06/2024 17:36

At 18 she can surely just walk out at any moment. I teach adults and the first few weeks involves reminding them they don’t have to ask about going to the toilet as they are an adult. They can leave at any minute for any reason with zero explanation.

not in a school. no

OP posts:
HFJ · 14/06/2024 17:40

You are right not to answer parents’ questions as this would compromise confidentiality. Do the parents know about the TOC? This is likely a SEND adjustment. I’m wondering whether school keeps records of when the TOC is used. If parents knew about it, then I would expect to ask the school what the plan is to wean a YP off this. They could simply ask the school about why their child is falling behind?

Baaliali · 14/06/2024 17:40

Honestly I’m not a fan of draconian school polices for adults. I think they inspire childish rebelliousness and resistance from the students. As adults they can vote but they need to ask another adult about using the toilet.

pictoosh · 14/06/2024 17:44

Genuine ask OP - why do YOU feel so strongly about this?

PickledMumion · 14/06/2024 17:44

Baaliali · 14/06/2024 17:40

Honestly I’m not a fan of draconian school polices for adults. I think they inspire childish rebelliousness and resistance from the students. As adults they can vote but they need to ask another adult about using the toilet.

It's weird to just get up and walk out without saying anything, though! I'm a teacher, and even I ask the class "do you mind if I pop to the loo quickly?" if I need to leave a sixth form lesson 🤷‍♀️

Allthislovelygreen · 14/06/2024 17:46

Is it even legal to stop an 18 year old walking out of a room?!

worcesterpear · 14/06/2024 17:47

I don't know, I wouldn't assume the child was NT if they needed to use a time out card, but you know her better than us. She obviously doesn't need to be at school and could get a job instead. Most NT children would not struggle to this extent in the classroom, assuming they had chosen subjects they were interested in.

PickledMumion · 14/06/2024 17:47

@Allthislovelygreen We don't physically tie them to their chairs!

tiggergoesbounce · 14/06/2024 17:49

Do you work in her class ??
Are the other teachers discussing her behaviour with you ?

I'm not sure why you think it's best for you to manage her behaviour - surely that's between the school and the parents ?

FTPM1980 · 14/06/2024 17:50

Sorry....you say she's NT? But has time out card to avoid arguments. That doesn't sound NT.
And if she doesn't realise this is having an impact on her learning and she has already dropped back a year that doesn't sound NT either.

I think taking the card off her is a good idea...its a gimmick anyway
It doesn't matter if she is 18 or 8 tbh....she good just walk out of the classroom if she needed to.
There may well be consequences but she could do it.
Just as she manages her behaviour at work she needs to manage it at school...

...is a school sixth form doing A levels really the best choice for her ???

iPreferBooks · 14/06/2024 17:52

Are you shes not neurodivergent? Many young people get diagnosed post 16. Sure, she might act fine at work (I mask at work). I definitely didn't tell my aunt and uncle, and neither did my parents.

Investinmyself · 14/06/2024 17:55

It doesn’t sound like a good fit for her. She’ll have some type of special need to have a card. College not school sounds like a better fit.

ShowerOfShites · 14/06/2024 17:58

Wondering if NT was a typo?

OriginalUsername2 · 14/06/2024 17:58

Sounds frustrating to see but it’s not really your business.

aerkfjherf · 14/06/2024 18:09

pictoosh · 14/06/2024 17:44

Genuine ask OP - why do YOU feel so strongly about this?

from a family point of view because my niece is going to mess up her life. From a school point of view because this causes so much frustration among staff, and they know she is my niece, and I get fed up of people moaning about her feeling they have to shut up their conversation as soon as I enter the room. It the sixth form heads that let this situation continue - the class teachers wouldn't if they had any say in it

OP posts:
aerkfjherf · 14/06/2024 18:10

ShowerOfShites · 14/06/2024 17:58

Wondering if NT was a typo?

no, neurotypical

OP posts:
aerkfjherf · 14/06/2024 18:10

Investinmyself · 14/06/2024 17:55

It doesn’t sound like a good fit for her. She’ll have some type of special need to have a card. College not school sounds like a better fit.

maybe, but too late for that

OP posts:
PostItInABook · 14/06/2024 18:11

It’s nothing to do with you.

MaryMaryVeryContrary · 14/06/2024 18:11

pictoosh · 14/06/2024 17:44

Genuine ask OP - why do YOU feel so strongly about this?

Raising a nation of squibs as they say on Bluey. This madness will end up as our future colleagues

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/06/2024 18:13

I taught people that age for many years and I would've been really pissed off if somebody who was NT took time out because I told them off for talking.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/06/2024 18:16

Not your problem, not in terms of school and certainly not in terms of what she gets at A Level.

As far as you are concerned at work, your niece doesn't exist, she's just another kid 'I don't mix work and home' - and at home, your employment doesn't exist and you don't talk about what happens in school. 'You'll have to take that up with her teachers/Head of Sixth Form, I don't have anything to do with Sixth Form, I just deal with the little ones, etc'.

Investinmyself · 14/06/2024 18:29

aerkfjherf · 14/06/2024 18:10

maybe, but too late for that

But if she’s going to fail next year no point flogging through yr 13. It sounds like A levels in a school not a good fit. Is it perhaps parental pressure to do them.
If she likes working maybe have a break from education do that and then do some type of access course in due course.
If all her peers have left school it’s going to be even harder to persuade her to go to class. There’s some in dc’s school repeating yr 13, they’ll be 19 and in school uniform which seems madness to me.

Sue152 · 14/06/2024 18:49

Why don't you just say to her parents that you're worried about how much teaching time she is missing when she leaves the class? What happened in previous years? How did she manage her GCSE's? What is she doing when she is out of class?

It sounds like this is the wrong place for her, I wouldn't be surprised if she had undiagnosed SEN.

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