Parents always puts me down

[Spicymarg2024]

They don't have alot of nice things to say. Weather that be about my appearance or my life or my home.

This week I went to visit them and say hi. They asked if I wanted some left over roast. I said yes as I had been rushing around after work and had to then get back for my DC. I started eating it and comments begun about how much I ate (it wasn't alot). I commented how I'd been very busy at work on my feet, rushing around all day. Then I got comments insinuating I'm lazy. This dates back to when I was a teenager when of course I was lazy wanting to lay in bed until mid morning on a weekend etc. I'm in my 30s now and a single parent, I don't get the luxury of that. I'm on the go 24/7 now. So those comments made me feel rubbish.

Today on a very rare occasion I actually ask my parents for help they came over whilst i was working to paint a ceiling I recently had done because my dad is good at that kind of stuff. I'm hopeless at cutting in etc. I get a text from my DM about how can I live the way I do my house is awful etc.
Now I'll admit it's not the tidiest I don't have enough storage for DC toys and our stuff. My place is quite small. I had left a few plates in the sink to wash tonight and I think it prob wasn't the tidyest due to me rushing out the door this morning. However I work full time as a single mum to a young child plus extra stuff going on in my personal life (medical and emotional). I very rarely ask for help because my parents always make it out to be some big deal.
I've got adhd so I do struggle and I try my absolute hardest to keep on top of everything and juggle. All the life admin, doing DC homework/reading with them, remembering appointments and events for them. As well as my own stuff.

I just feel like my parents don't get it. My DM never worked and was a stay at home parent. She had my dad to help and support her. Me and Dsis were never allowed to really play with much because the house had to stay pristine.

I just feel really rubbish. Aibu to feel this way?

They sound unnecessarily mean and critical - my mum would be encouraging me to eat even more roast and packing the rest up to bring home to my kids!

Do you rely on them? If not I wouldn't be bothering 'dropping in to say hi' if they're just going to make you feel like shit.

Sadly it’s not that unusual OP although I know I’ve always felt isolated by this experience.. Mumsnet and the internet in general taught me it’s quite common.
I think you have to learn to detach your reactions from what they say. Don’t dwell on it. Kind of observe it from a distance; think about the behaviour as you would someone on TV or in a book - what does it mean, why do they do it? Perhaps they are projecting/ scapegoating fears onto you. But don’t take it personally. And don’t expect it to change.

I've learnt over the years since having my DC and going through some traumatic stuff not to rely on them. I used to but I haven't now for a number of years for these very reasons.

I've had many years counselling because of their behaviour when I was little and growing up. Sometimes I really do need help but like I said I hate asking them. I would pay someone to do it but I'm very tight on money so can't afford to

I've come to peace with the fact that they will never change. That's why I've distanced myself.

Tbh I'm so surprised I never developed an eating disorder the way they talk about people being overweight and that these people are lazy. And they way they always put so much empathise on appearance. No wonder my self esteem has always been low.

OP
Dont take it peronally, they love you and in their minds they are trying to ake to a better person. Don't take my word for it, ask them

The good thing, you have your own home, kids and OH

do you have siblings do they treat them the same, if not, why not!! often, if one sibling in parents eyes is not doing as well as the others they may behave like this - tell them, you don't like their attitude etdc in a polite, constructive way

Good luck

If you really feel you have to see them, I would limit myself to a cup of tea and a quick chat and leave before they have a chance to make you feel bad about yourself.

I have ADHD too and our brains can be extra sensitive to criticism, but your mum went out of her way to be nasty to you with that dramatic text about 'how can you live this way'.

For your own sanity I'd step right back from them. With things like DIY - do you have a friend who could help you maybe? And pay them back by cooking them dinner or a favour in return like babysitting? Life is too short to spend so much time with people who make you feel rubbish, even if they are your parents.

You really think her parents calling her lazy, telling her she eats to much, and insulting her home is them 'trying to make her a better person'?

You really think that some parents are not like that?? Not all parents are great at parents and I've seen hundreds in real life via work - but most of them loved their kids

Yea I have a sibling and DM sees her and grandchildren most days. Helps her tidy up and in her garden. Dsis has a more than capable partner too and she's a stay at home parent.
I did actually say last week when I asked for the help that I feel like sometimes she forgets she has another daughter and grandchild.

Yea RSD is hard :( just feel overwhelmed I guess because I am literally trying my best to juggle so much and yet parents still put me down

Of course I know there are terrible parents out there. But if they make their children feel bad about themselves then why should it be the child that has to resolve it?

Sadly, some parents can be like that - have a one to one proper chat with them if you feel up to ti
Good luck

Are they nice in other ways?
If they are always critical of you, what benefit do you get from spending time with them?
I think in this situation you either should step right back from them and spend a bit less time with them or bite back. If they criticise your house tell them you prioritise your children over housework because you’ve learnt from their mistakes! Or maybe not, as people who dish out criticism can rarely take it themselves! Limit your time with them would be best.

Op I hear you. I have a good-ish relationship with my DM but she is always making sly digs about my house (also a single parent to two DC - 1 autistic and the other 1 can be tricky) ... my weight 'are you still planning on trying to lose some weight?' (I'm a size 12/14 and it's like she can't bear it as I was always a 10 before). She rolls her eyes in despair at me. My sister is the highly academic one and I am probably average. When my ex H had an affair and left she constantly asked what I had done to make him leave. This was 14 years ago and he's an awful person/ narcissist. She also highly disapproving of the TV I watch - life is v stressful and I end up watching trash so I can turn my brain off for a bit. Last time she was down she said 'I hope you don't let the kids see you watching love island etc' -similarly i read quite a few crime novels and last week it was 'well you shouldn't be reading those'.

I just give her short thrift even though it's really annoying. I have bigger things to worry about - but I hear you!

YABU to feel rubbish. They are hypercritical and overbearing.

Limit contact and shut down conversation as soon as they start bitching. You're not a child or teenager anymore - you don't have to put up with emotional abuse.

Yabu or yanbu?