AIBU to want help around the house as a SAHM

[QuickSeal]

I just want to know if AIBU. I’m not working atm as DD doing GCSE’s and we are moving house so have taken some time off until Sept as DD has learning difficulties and needs support revising. For context, I was a SAHM when the kids were little but returned to work a few years ago part time. DH job long hours and demanding and he has always been main breadwinner and we are lucky to have a nice lifestyle because of his job. He has recently semi retired (burnout) and now works 2.5 days per week. I’ve always done all housework cooking cleaning and taken all mental load of the children and supported him in his career (has been through ups and downs) as his job was more demanding. Now he is home 2.5 days per week and he is not helping around the house in any way. If I ask him to clear up after dinner he just shoves everything in the sink doesn’t wipe a surface and thinks his job is done. If I pull him up on it it ends in an argument. I’m dealing with DD’s school support, the house and all the admin and clearing out that comes with moving and all the running the kids around to various sports and clubs after school I’m feeling really overwhelmed and tired myself. I feel tearful all the time as don’t feel like anyone appreciates all I do for our family and at this point it has become an expectation. If I ask anyone to clean up their rooms or help with housework I get “you don’t work” with the assumption that I sit around all day and do nothing so anything to do with the house is my job. DH and the DD are very messy. (Example leave towels on floor, clothes everywhere open cupboards don’t close them) whereas DS is like me and more tidy by nature. DH spends his days off walking the dogs and doing what he likes whereas I don’t seem to ever get a break. He was better at helping with after school activities etc when I worked part time. Now our roles have shifted I feel like I am doing more than when I was working and feel really stressed out and unhappy. Not sure if AIBU in feeling this way and expecting more help ? DH isn’t used to doing anything around the house so he isn’t good at it and as a SAHM should I be doing everything?

YANBU

You are a SAH mother not a SAH slave.

Everyone needs to pitch in, if he won't then stop doing bits for him and he can take responsibility for his own things.

I’ve said yanbu but it’s not “help” you need, it is the people you live with behaving like adults who respect you.

Take yourself off for a week to a premier inn and let them see what it’s like when you are not there. Tough love is needed here.

The “job description” of a SAHM is that you take care of the kids and the house while their other parent is at work. Not that you always take care of the kids, always take care of the house, or that you’re the only one to ever do those jobs.

I think you need to have a conversation with your H. Because the ways he's acting suggests he believes he's 'done his bit' being the main earner and wrecking his health in the process, and feels entitled to spend his no work days doing what he likes. I'm not saying he's right, but it sounds as though he feels he's done the heavy lifting and now it's his turn to ease off. You need to explain to him what you do, how long it takes and the stress you feel under and that you need him to share the load. Whether he will be receptive I don't know, as its hard to get people to change the patterns of a life time.

Limp on through the GCSEs then go on strike only cook and clean for yourself. Consider going back to work. I do think the bulk of it should fall to you if you are not working and do not have small children however the attitude you describe is not acceptable. And leaving towels on the floor is lazy selfish behaviour- a SAHM may be expected to do the washing but picking up after lazy people like that is never a SAHM job!

Unfortunately, you have made a rod for your own back, and now you are seeing the results.

So when DP was on holiday from his full time job, you carried on doing absolutely everything around the house, children and admin, I suppose, with no input from him. He should have been helping you then.

So now he 's part-time he expects do do the same, that is nothing to help you around the house.

You have to stop doing stuff that the rest of the family can do themselves. It may be hard not having a pristine home for sometime, but better that than driving yourself into the ground for such ingrates. So if DP and children don't care about helping you then don't help them, apart from helping child study for their GCSES.

Until they stop treating you like their slave, go on strike. Stop being the taxi service, the cleaner, the laundrymaid, the closer of cupboard drawers, etc.

JUST STOP

I agree I have made a rod for my own back and I have definitely put my own needs aside for the sake of DH and DC. Yes extreme to give up work to help DD with GCSE’s but she has had bullying and SEN issues that got really bad and I couldn’t get her to go to school and basically couldn’t cope with her and my job so something had to give. Yes I have a job to go back to in September. I think I have been on autopilot for so long now looking after everybody else I’ve lost who I am and I think I’m lucky to be able to be at home but in reality I hate it.

Don’t leave it to September, make changes now.

Stop cooking for them all.

Stop washing their clothes.

Stop tidying after them.

If they won’t listen then you have to change tactics.

This.
Stop doing anything.
Your husband is a selfish arse.
I would be rethinking my marriage if he doesn't pull his finger out in a MAJOR way.

The GCSEs are just about over. So you can take time for yourself like everyone else does. Maybe housework and admin won't get done. Prioritise what you want to do. If that includes gym daily/reading time/hobbytime, that is fine. You don't need anyone's permission. Just do your own washing and maintenance, everyone else can deal with their own life admin. If they actually need help, wait for them to ask for it, and then say, "that will take 2 hours out of my day and of course I'll help you, but you'll need to do the hoovering/car washing that I was going to do in that time." If they don't ask or don't start working on your tasks, then don't help them.
Get ruthless - if someone throws their towels on the floor in a mutual space, chuck them on their bed. If someone's clothes are all over the floor of their room, shut the door. If they are all over the floor of mutual space, chuck them into a bin bag. Do that daily and tell them you will be throwing out the bag at the end of the week, and it's up to them to retrieve their things.
Let me repeat, you don't need anyone's permission to spend your day doing whatever you want. You've got a job to go back to, you are entitled to a rest if you need it.
Or go back to work earlier, presumably DD doesn't need babysitting, and even if she does, DH is at home for half the week.