Getting the silent treatment

[toomuchtodonow]

My OH has clearly had a nark on with me for some reason I don't know, I have been unwell so haven't really gave it much thought but as I was getting better was starting to get sick of his sarky remarks so I snapped back. Now he is totally ignoring me, we have not spoken a word to each other for 2 days and I literally don't know what I have done. Its possible its on the back of an argument we had last week which I thought we had moved on from as we had both discussed and apologised to each other but that's all I can think it might be.

I am aware that I am now giving him the silent treatment equally but being stubborn I think he can come and talk to me like an adult when he is ready and out of whatever mood he is in. Also to note if he isn't out of his mood there is no point in trying to talk to him as he will just start to argue instead and wont listen, he needs to have calmed down - been there done that!

YABU - Just stop with the games and attempt to talk to him
YANBU - Just carry on ignoring him until he wants to talk

I am tempted to just carry on ignoring as part of me thinks what a twat, I wasn't even well and he was being horrible to me so no this is on you but would appreciate some perspective.

YANBU. Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

He gave you the silent treatment because you dared to answer back when he made a snarky comment to you.

The silent treatment is designed to make you tread on eggshells around him and to not answer back next time he is nasty to you.

How often does he give you silent treatment?

I would tell him that you refuse to live with a sulky school boy so he either stops the silent treatment or he can move out this weekend.

My dad did this to my mum for years. It was a very toxic environment to grow up in. As a result I could never be with anyone similar. If DH even goes towards a sulky ignoring me moment then I have it out with him and we clear the air. Mental torture is not fun or clever.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzmhyfaPXhV/?igsh=bjRubzNtdHd2eWEz

this guy is good for how to respond in different situations when people are being difficult

Part of the reason I haven't done this is the kids have all been in the house and I don't want to have a raging row in front of them, not sure what's worse for them tbh

A healthy argument won't scar the kids. All of you treading on eggshells will. Teaching how you resolve conflicts is good for confrontations that happen in general adulthood.

When I was in this situation with a v long ago ex, I used to just carry on totally as normal, being bright and breezy and not showing I was bothered or pandering to his sulkiness at all.

Relationship didn't last though and I got out, but didn't live together or have kids so it was a lot easier to leave

So... he was making sarky and unpleasant comments while you were ill. Then you started feeling better and you snapped back. And now he is sulking - most likely because he thinks you were "mean" or "rude" or "aggressive" or "hostile" when you snapped back at him.

One assumes this is not the first time he has behaved like this.

It is basically a tried and tested way for abusive and controlling people to 1. get their own way all the time and 2. never have to take responsibility or accountability for anything (in this case, being unpleasant to you while ill).

I could not live like that. The only person I was ever close to who sulked was a friend and flatmate and needless to say, that friendship did not survive. I could not and would not take it.

Sometimes when he is like this I'll text him as he responds better to that as I think he takes in what I'm actually saying and it helps me get whatever I think off my chest but I haven't even bothered doing that this time.

this is not the first time this has happened obviously but it has never gone this long and he usually will come to talk to me when he's calmed down a bit but he hasn't done that either, its like we are having a stand off as to who will give in first. I think we clearly need to work on our communication skills

Well, he does certainly. You can't communiate at all with someone who is refusing to talk to you.

It's abuse, and I speak from experience that its hugely damaging to be raised on a toxic house like this. Young brains flooding with cortisol, walking on eggshells, learning that you appease men by pandering to them, feeling anger and helplessness and like they have to protect you from this man.
An abusive relationship is not fixable. Give your kids a happy, peaceful home.

This is partly why I don’t want to give in, I don’t want him to have that power and some hold over me. As much as it’s hard I want him to think I couldn’t care less if he spoke to me or not - that’s his choice. But I’m not sure if I’m childish

That’s a really good video

This ^ Giving someone the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. It isn't just someone being moody or mardy.

Perhaps ask him to move out until he can be emotionally mature and discuss his issues with you calmly.

also wondering am I stonewalling now because I haven't spoken to him either?

Speaking to a silent person would be pointless 🤷🏼‍♀️ Is it in your kids best interests to be made to live like this?

How do you speak to someone who is giving you the silent treatment? genuine question because this is why these people are such manipulative fuckers. You're here tearing yourself up that YOU are behaving badly by not speaking to him.... when he's the one giving you the silent treatment which has made it so that speaking to him is pointless so you're not bothering.

I second those PPs who say this is emotional abuse. What a miserable way to live

Speak to him when the kids have gone to bed and make it clear that you are not prepared to play these games anymore.

Thanks nina good video. Not nice op my mother does this it could go days of it. Nightmare. Hard with kids they pick up on it

"I literally don't know what I have done."
I'd hazard a guess that what you did was - be ill. I've seen it mentioned here on Mumsnet many a time, husbands (wives too but far less frequently) who turn into arseholes when their wife is unwell. Some have suggested they do it through fear for their wives, but I'm more inclined to thinking it's that they are selfish bastards who object to their comfort being interrupted by their skivvy being unable to do all the running around as usual, hence they punish their skivvy/wife by being nasty to them.

Does that sound possible?

Maybe it's because you were 'broken ' (unwell) and unable to continue servicing his needs and he had to actually ADULT. Could be punishment.
Whatever the reason you don't have to put up with his bollocks.
Set you and the kids free when you are able 🌻

Absolutely agree that being assertive here is the way forward. Eg “I see that sulking and silent treatment is the way you are going to deal with issues. I want an adult relationship and I don’t have time to waste dealing with sulking. You’ve had plenty of time to gather some words together. Either you start speaking and discussing, or we call it a day. What’s it to be?”

No - you simply haven’t played tug of war with the tree, to quote the instagram link! You haven’t pandered to his sulking or begged for answers or treated him nicely as if he’s not being a complete dick. Big difference.

My ex once gave me the silent treatment for 6wks. I can’t even remember what it was about, certainly nothing major. That’s why he’s my ex, though we have got on much better since we split over a decade ago

If he wants to play game I’ll just play it back