To ask for parenting advice…boundaries

[Doingarubbishjob]

Single parent to 3 children. Have always enjoyed parenting the oldest 2, now 8 and 7. Youngest (5) I am finding much more difficult. She can be so fun and affectionate but she’s very volatile and will lash out when angry. I’m struggling to know what to do. I’m trying to set boundaries, e.g. after she kicked off about her shoes we didn’t go to the park, but I’m not sure I’m doing it right and it doesn’t seem to impact future behaviour. AIBU to ask for advice? Does everything just know how to do this?

How is her behaviour with others? Dad and school?

There is a really good book called ‘setting limits for your strong willed child’ it’s very good.
They are all different.

Better with dad I think although I don’t ever see them together. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he wouldn’t speak to me.

School she is generally ok, but she has had a couple of time where she has misbehaved (nothing physical though).

I do feel it’s me.

Can you make the things she doesn't want to do more fun? So instead of becoming a battle of wills it is a silly game. Like 'let's see if you can do some magic, I'm going to close my eyes and count to 10 and see if you can get your shoes on before I open them again' then count in a really dramatic over the top way or if she's too old to appreciate that then make it a race to see who can put them on first between you and her.

The other thing is to make sure she has plenty of warning before changing activity - so if she is engrossed in playing with something don't just expect her to drop it because it's time to go and she needs to put her shoes on. Give her a warning (or 2) that you are going to be going out soon so she needs to finish off what she is doing.

It's just a case of getting to know every trick in the book and hoping that something will work!

I'd be looking at the behaviour more closely before just focusing on a boundary. What's going on? Is she angry and needs help regulating her emotions? Is she struggling with the sensation of the shoes? Are you going at a time she's tired and lacking self-control? Is she struggling with leaving at activity to go to the park?

There's nothing wrong with a natural consequence, such as not going to the park, but if you can work out what's going wrong and head it off - give more warning, do something to help regulate her emotions like deep breathing, turn putting the shoes on into a game - then that's a good idea.