How do I stop myself from spiralling?

[CaptainAmericaaaa]

I couldn't give a shiny shite about this post being outing because I will make change after.

5 years ago I got told I couldn't have children, no how no way not a option. It was a bolt out of the blue and it caused me to become extremely depressed, however it also kicked off my very first schizophrenic/ bi polar episode. I mention both as they thought it was schizophrenia when I eventually told anyone what I was thinking and feeling but it was actually bipolar with hallucinations in mania.

Ok in late 2019 I started experiencing psychosis and it didn't end until 2021. I was lying to all my friends and family about how great I was at making cake, I was ordering cakes that I made and had other people (1 person a professional kitchen) ice them, and then in my psychosis I thought done the whole thing when they dropped it off and I told everyone I was amazing at making cakes.

Then I got found out (obviously ), my husband nearly divorced me because I was disgusting. I went to hospital and got sectioned, then released as the closest bed was in Scotland, and the crisis team who said they'd look after me refused when I said I'd been going to the priory previously and I had to go from middle of wales to Altrincham 4 x a week which my mum had to do whilst working full time so that was 4 hours round trip 4 times a week.

My husband told his family (i don't blame them) and they were all of the opinion he should divorce me and he saw them every day and every day they would tell him to divorce me, DH graciously gave me a second chance and his brother said he was making a mistake and he'd be there when he (DH) changed his mind. As such our relationship is fucked with his family.

Anyway I got help, on a fuck ton of medication,'therapy 2x a week still and I thought it was behind me I really did and this brings me to tonight

. A builder in the village we live in was someone I made a cake for (I did make it I just got the cake shop to ice it), and hes recently moved back into the village, he's clearly told a whole host of new people not to trust the lying bitch at x house as I asked a couple of tradesmen to come over and look at a job we need doing. He said no I'll pass on the work, you're house and name is blacklisted in the village, no local tradespeople around will touch with a bargepole, even the ones on google, also it's a small village and people talk

This builder is now working on our next door neighbours building work for the next 4 months, and the person who sent that text message is his plasterer.

wtf do I do? I just can't get away from what I did 4 years ago. This feels like a walking nightmare. I really do feel like the best thing to do is to just go for a walk into the sea and never return

Oh and you can give me a kicking in the comments if you want I don't care. It's just what I deserve. I acted like a fraud

I read all that and I just want to give you a hug. FORGIVE YOURSELF. I hear someone being very hard on herself. Mental illness is complicated. My best friend had psychosis and acts like it is a shameful secret. She thought her water was being poisoned. You were ill. Your mind was not functioning properly. Please be kind to yourself.

how are you being supported? You have been through so much. It’s not kind to hear “divorce her” while you went through so much. Please get some sort of therapy. Don’t isolate yourself. Surround yourself with kind people. Are you on treatment now?

@historicalweaving that's really kind. I do have support, I actually scheduled a therapy appointment for tomorrow because I feel like I need to just vent and cry, the text this afternoon really threw me for a loop.

I'm still on medication and I am doing ok (or was)

I've no idea on advice but I just wanted to say well done on your progress. This must be so difficult. Sending hugs 💜

I am so pleased you’ve got a therapy session lined up cos you sound like you need someone to listen to you. That text was horrible. Someone who clearly doesn’t understand what it means to have psychological illness. Gossip is nasty.

please rest assured this will past. People forget. You will get other tradespeople. Other people aren’t as interested as you might think they are.

sending you heaps of there-there hugs. I would cry, too! Well done on the meds. Keep it going. Build strength. This is a blip and will pass.

I'm sorry you received that ignorant text. You weren't well. There was a medical reason for the situation. You didn't harm anyone. People are histrionic and self righteous and probably have their own shed of skeletons to behave so judgementally and unkindly.

Small villages can feel horrible sometimes but normal and caring people don't send texts like that. Can you imagine his issues to send a woman that kind of text?

I hope you can destress and ignore him.

I told my husband when he came home from work and he asked me to send him a screenshot of the test message and when he received it he blocked his number and then deleted the text but he has said he's going to be a difficult as possible about it.

The builder is currently doing a loft conversion for our next door neighbour and really needs our permission to extend their scaffolding as it's been put up wrong and the new placement would include blocking off our only access to the back door. We were considering it for a price but now DH has said absolutely not, not interested in helping that man.

Wow you poor thing.

It will take a long time but one day your condition will be manageable.

As for your "lies" they are not even worth worrying your little head over honestly. It's cakes. You were ill and illness manifests in different ways for different people.

The tradesmen, your husband and his family as well as all of the small minded villagers all need to seriously have a conversation with themselves.

Their behaviour (not yours) is absolutely disgusting.

I won't tell you to leave your husband (although I do hope so) but when you stop torturing yourself you will see how complacent he is with allowing people to treat you so poorly.

You are very strong to go through all of this and you are still enduring it.

Don't forget who you are and how far you've come. You're a diamond.

You're not alone xxx

There is nothing shameful about having a MH condition and everyone around you have been behaving pretty appallingly. But please don't assume everyone feels the same way.
Get someone else to do the work. I don't believe for a second that you are blacklisted. You husband shouldn't have deleted the text as it is evidence of discrimination against you. Harassment, bullying and discrimination are all unlawful practices.
I would take the power away from him. Make friends in the village, talk openly about your condition, raise awareness about MH. Show him up in a bad light as a business discriminating against people with MH illness. Let him "reap the benefits" of being a small-minded a-hole and watch his trade fold.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been so ill. You have nothing to be ashamed of - these were not conscious choices you made! It’s a shame people around you are so ignorant.

My friend suffered a serious psychotic episode and her husband had to physically prevent her attacking their cat because she believed it was possessed(!) She adores her cat and would never deliberately harm it. She was quite simply not in her right mind.

The cake thing is essentially the same but because it was less obviously psychosis, it took a lot longer for you to be able to get the help you needed and deserved (and to which you were entitled, might I add!)

I think you can be very proud of your resilience.

I actually really like that idea :) thank you

What a bunch of arseholes they are.

Let's hope they or their families never experience any mh issues.

Glad your husband is supporting you OP.

Don't be ashamed of what's happened to you. Be proud you've come so far.

Thank you all for being so kind. I really felt hopeless last night.
Today however I feel so angry about the stupid thundertwunt of a plasterer texting me after I'd blocked him on Facebook. That's intrusive

My DH randomly last night apologised for everything he did as he didn't have to tell me what his family said about me in 2020. He also said that it's his brothers behaviour around it all is why he has no relationship with him or his wife anymore. He said 'they were all behind me when I wasn't sure what to do but as soon as I decided that our wedding vows meant something to me then that's when they changed and started telling him to 'just divorce her mate,' 'or I wouldn't stay with x if she did this'

Ok fine but now we've decided to give it another go you should back off. DH got a whole lot of abuse from his brother when we were on a date trying to work things out. That must have been hard.

I think the builder is going to be shocked today that actions have consequences. That scaffolding is going nowhere near our property. Terrace or not. They'd have to put their supporting arm right next to a grade 1 listed original window built in 1768. No thanks. And if he knocks on to ask I will just tell him direct his questions to my husband and shut the door in his face