AIBU to feel peeved?

[GoblinFever]

I expect I am BU here but would like to see whether It's OK to feel fed up.

My husband works full time (only recently started this new job, before that was unemployed for 3 months). His hobby is fishing and he regularly goes for 1-2 nights, every other weekend roughly.

I home educate my youngest, and I have twin girls. I have a clothing business but also have many medical conditions that mean I am unable to work a conventional 9-5 job.

To improve my health I started going to the gym, I go a few times a week. This was initially going to be something I could do for myself with no children so I could actually have some time alone.

My girls (teens) now come with me, which is great they want to make this health change too and I am happy they come, but it does mean I am never alone.

Anyway, the AIBU part: my husband has now decided he will be joining the gym, which means I will have to stop my visits or reduce them, as someone has to stay with my youngest.
As well as him going fishing on weekends.
The thing that annoys me the most is he's always hated exercise, never been a gym person. Where-as before I was sick I used to go daily.

It just feels like he's taking the one thing I do for myself away. I'll still be able to go once or twice a week I guess but I feel so upset and cross. I'll have to check with him what days he's going and he'll more than likely say "I'll go later" and then not even go.

Putting my youngest in school is not an option.

So AIBU?

YABU to be annoyed your husband is going to be going to the gym.

YANBU to be annoyed he's away 1-2 nights per fortnight for his hobby, without you having equivalent downtime. Focus on that: he should cut that back from 1-2 nights per fortnight away fishing to 1-2 nights per month, you should then have similar amount of downtime.

It’s not clear OP are the children just yours, or are they also your husband’s children?

Sorry they are both our children. He is their biological father.

Thank you, you're right. This is likely what my real issue is.

In that case I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in general no. I do think you’re being unreasonable to be annoyed about him going to the gym however I can see it’s part of a bigger picture, him working full time, spending nights at the gym and then spending every other weekend away for his hobby is not okay. It’s very important to have time for hobby’s and yourself and you BOTH need & deserve that time.

Well he can take the girls when he goes. Bet he won’t be so keen then.

Why are you just being cross and accepting it. Who made him more important? Just tell him you’re not cutting down so you not need to work out a schedule.

Surely you can just go at different times? You stick to your usual time, he stays with your youngest. then, once you are home you swap over and off he goes.

i think you need to change your perspective what he decides to do is fine, you just don't need to accommodate it, you keep with your routine and he will have to fit his gym time around you, maybe he should go am before work? don't ask him what his plan amy be, just tell him the days you are not going, but you are a family you all deserve some me time, can the teens look after the youngest one at least one day ?

Another here who doesn’t understand why you need to fit your gym sessions around him?

He should be asking when you are going and work around you, not the other way round.

My husband does this kind of thing, where i feel like i cant have anything of my own. He has huge fear of missing out, it's annoying! Yet he has lots of hobbies and social things that i dont get involved in at all and am happy that he enjoys it.
He's does it less now since i said all this to him, encroaches less on the (rare!) plans i make, he wasnt aware that he did it, and that i found it really irritating.
I would just talk to your husband and say that the gym is very important to you, it was supposed to be YOUR time alone, like his fishing, so he will have to fit around your schedule or even take the girls to help out, so that you both have free time without the children.

YABU for being annoyed at him going to gym but YANBU for being annoyed at having to work around him. He needs to work around you like you do with his fishing or he sacrifices some of his fishing time.

YANBU. I did a particular thing for years when my DC was young, it was my alone time & my thing. My DH joined in when DC was a teen and I thought it was something we could do together. I was a bit miffed but thought I could make it work. Fast forward a few more years and I don’t do it anymore and it is now his thing. I am very resentful.

Your DH has his fishing, why does he need the gym as well? You have already compromised by letting your older DC join you, yes it may be good for them to do it but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t had an impact on you by letting them join in. If your DH joins in you (and the girls) will probably go less and eventually stop altogether.

Get a big planner for the wall and work out a schedule who goes when? Put yours on first. You should get to go more than him because of the fishing trips

My girls (teens) now come with me, which is great they want to make this health change too and I am happy they come, but it does mean I am never alone.

While their desire to join the gym and get fit is to be commended, I think your need to have some time alone doing something you enjoy for yourself is to be prioritised and it does your children good to know this.
They need to learn and be reminded that you are a person in your own right.

I think you are all overlooking the hidden message here. He wants to do something with his wife!
Yes you need your own thing, yes he can have hobbies, yes he can join a gym but is this really about fitness or because he wants a regular night spent with you ?

Go to the gym and make him stay home with kids, but also make a regular night to do something with just you two.

That would be nice if that was the case, but he does not want to do it with me. He said he wants to go to stop me going too regularly.
He says it's to prevent me aggravating my problems (back/shoulder/ankle plus others).

There is definitely underlying issues here, if he was a hands on dad that put lots of effort in with the kids or myself I really wouldn't mind, I'm a very easy going person.
But when he is home he literally does nothing, unless I ask him to do something in particular.

I do everything for the kids, all the housework, make lunches dinners etc. Whilst working, schooling and being unwell.

He plonks in front of the telly and tells everyone to be quiet so he can watch his mindless cr*p.

Thank you all for your replies.

Thank you! This is how I feel!

He has his fishing, that is his thing, why does he need to take mine.
And as much as I love my kids sometimes I would just like to be alone. Without anyone talking to me, expecting me to help them etc. So as great as it is that the girls have joined the gym, it is just another thing I have had to compromise on.

I know that sounds selfish. And I'm split in 2, because I am so glad my children want to spend time with me, can talk to me and want to tell me things. But I also have spent the past 14 years always being with a child, from the second I open my eyes to the second I go to sleep. Sometimes I like my insomnia because at least I can sit in silence at 3am. I feel so guilty for feeling like that though.

If he wants to go to the gym then fine. But you say to him that you're going on x x x days, so he had to work round that. Do NOT change your routine for him.

You are not being unreasonable that is annoying.
Does the gym have a crèche (for all ages children) you could use for the youngest?

Reading your update that’s shocking! Why does he was to stop you going if you’re finding it a benifit? If you say no what would he say? I’d not budge and tell him to go before work or when you get home

He sounds like an arse. He’s deliberately blocking you from your free time - real dog in the manger stuff. Who gave him the veto - nobody.

This. What a pig of a man. If he cares so much about you aggravating your back, he could pitch in with housework and do the heavy lifting at home. He'd rather take away your time at the gym. Don't even get me started on his fishing weekends!

I think I wouldn't budge on this. Tell him, no, I will go as much as I want/need. I will go every morning and you will go in the evenings. Go early in the morning so he can't sabotage you. Don't waver on this. He's a selfish controlling man and has had everything his way for far too long.