Autistic son about to start school

[Biscuithoover]

The absolute anxiety I have about my 4yr old son starting school. Diagnosed with autism, has EHCP. I’ve arranged with school to pop in for casual classroom visits twice a week when picking up my daughter and he draws a picture or borrows a storybook etc. Going to buy the uniform asap to try and get him used to it. I went to the new starters information evening earlier and I sat there the entire time struggling to hold myself together. He’s really bright, I’m not worried about the learning side (for now anyway. At the moment he can count really well into the 100s, starting to read sight words, so all good at the moment on that front but as school work gets more in depth and demanding I don’t know how that will go) I’m terrified about the social side and his ability to follow instructions/behave though. All the other parents were merrily mingling and I felt almost paralysed with sadness.
will he make friends? Will he be sitting alone with just a TA for company? Will the other parents always smile politely but never actually want their kid to hang out with mine? Sorry just having a vent. Anyone who’s been through this, I’d love to hear from you and hear any advice you have!

Do you have any support OP? Partner or family? Are you in contact with other parents such as an autism support group in your area? It might help to discuss your concerns and help to not pass on your anxiety to your son.

Sadly I do know what it’s like as my son is autistic, the high achieving kind like yours.
He was sat with a TA and couldn’t make friends or know what to do.His anxiety was through the roof.After four years we managed to get him into an autism school where things were so much better.Only then did he start to read and learn although it had to go at his own pace.Every autistic child is different but always a hard slog as a parent.Never any birthday invites at the previous school and none at the autism school as the parents couldn’t face a lot of autistic kids at the same time.It’s a hard road to go down so I won’t sugar coat it.
All you can do are trips out as a family doing things he likes.Water parks and that kind of thing.My boy liked museums as well. Encourage drawing and reading.TA’s vary wildly so hope you get a good one.Meanwhile try and pressure the education dept as to autism schools or an autism unit in a primary school.Good luck with it all.

What support does the EHCP outline?

I didn't know DD was autistic for certain until the teen years and she found Primary fairly easy. The Ed psych said that her ability had masked her disability.

However even though she didn't have a diagnosis (and how fab you have things in place already and the staff can accommodate him) she started school with all sorts of skills at home, was already reading etc etc, and at her first parents evening I was told she didn't really play with the others and just liked to watch them and when I mentioned that at home she was already reading they said that if that was the case she wasn't showing them what she could do at school. In hindsight these were the first real clues, she wasn't showing them what she could do because they were using books with no words to describe the pictures - she still struggles with that now in her teens and she is a top achiever in all her classes. It took her a good 9 months or so to settle I think until she was really doing her academic best and then she flew and hasn't stopped.

In terms of friends she has always since Nursery had one really close friend, for well over a decade that friend tends to hunt and gathers others to mix in their circle and those others come and go.

DD was also involved in groups outside of school where she made friends, if you can find some groups that attract the more ND like Lego, or similar then he can develop friendships whilst doing a more calming activity, libraries are great for finding these groups and then you can use that for your bday party pool too.

As for following instructions DD has always been a rule follower, and if there ist a rule but she thinks there should be she'll make one so had no issues on that front BUT she was very, very worried about the idea of breaking a rule.

In terms of birthday parties my DD got invited but actually always found them quite overwhelming if they were the bouncy castle and disco type, she preferred an activity, same for playdates didn't like people in our house so I'd take her closer friend out for the day with us, parties at activity venues and now she's much older we hire a Haven caravan out of season as we live on the coast and take her friends for the full weekend as we don't/can't host at ours.

For school pick ups I would make sure you take a drink, a snack and some ear defenders if he doesn't already wear them and then a trip to the park to get all the energy out before heading home. I learnt to do minimal chatting until she had settled a bit.
That time straight after school particularly when they first start for all children can be difficult as they've held it in all day and are tired.So think carefully about that, can you prep the meal in a slow cooker etc so it's ready straight away when you walk in and then a light supper before bed etc, freeing you up for the evening and not trying to get food ready when he needs you etc.

As a teen I still do the same and have a hot drink, snack and her N/C headphones ready. Ask her if she wants to talk now or later and if later leave her be until she's ready.

We always found a bath great for resetting her between transitions so on a Friday I'll run her one and she does a facemask etc and transitions into weekend mode.

When I met previously with the SENCO we agreed he would start initially on a reduced timetable so coming in slightly early to avoid the busyness and leaving early. Thanks for tips re having dinner ready to go as soon as we get home, that makes sense. I can’t bear the idea of him sitting alone always left out of everything 😢

@Biscuithoover but he might not be. ND children do tend to stick together and friendships can be made. Be proactive in setting up playdates at the weekend - not after school as that will be too much but a Saturday afternoon. Help him build friendship a way from the busyness of the classroom. If there's another child with additional needs and the children get on you and the other mother can even take it in turns to give each other some respite.

I've known lots of autistic children to have friends by the time they get to secondary, and lots of Primary schools operate the buddy bench etc so children aren't alone. Some schools are really rubbish with SEND but your one sounds like they are really on the ball already so do try not to worry.

Does he become violent and have big meltdowns? That is the real issue in making friends as understandably even young children don't want to be near people that hurt them even if he doesn't mean too. So some damage limitation might be needed with the children told X does this because of Y. We can do Z to help him. BUT that comes with passing on his diagnosis and depending on the parents and children and their awareness and attitudes that's not always a good idea.