I'm sick of being resilient

[youngtrees]

I really am. I'm sick of having to make tough choices alone and be strong enough to pull myself through them. Im tired of being constantly knocked down.

I'm a single mum of 3 kids all with additional needs. I'm currently divorcing my abusive ex husband. We should have a relatively simple divorce yet he is making it difficult by trying to control every single situation. We separated at the end of October last year.

He's currently moved straight on to his new girlfriend who is now around 16 weeks pregnant with his child and they are obviously going to live happily ever after....in their heads. I am being sarcastic.

We have a son together who is 5. He is massively confused as you can expect. Who is the one picking up the pieces of the mess my ex has put himself into? Me. Who is the one my son is lashing out on? Me. Because my son at the age of 5 is already turning into a massive people pleaser around his dad as his dad abandoned hin through his dad's choice and they have resumed contact in the last couple of months. My son only gets very limited contact which of course I get a hard time for but again....I'm trying to make a choice and doing it alone.

Today I have had to decide wether to send the financial order forms back to my ex to fill out correctly as he lied on the whole thing - even though as I said, it's a simple divorce. So now I'm preparing myself for the back lash I will get off him even though he is the one at fault. Thank goodness for legal aid and my solicitor.

Also today, my washing machine and shower broke. I feel out of my depth trying to get them sorted.

To top it all off, my son FaceTimed his dad this evening for him to answer while he was decorating the new babies bedroom. My son isn't interested in the new baby - not to me anyway.

On Sunday, he came home with a scan picture of his new sibling. My whole family agree this was done out of spite to try and hurt me.

This time last year, we were still together - not happily I will admit. It was only August last year we had our final family holiday - though I didn't realise it would be our last. But I never ever ever dreamed of it being like this a year ago.

I didn't want to lose my husband. I just wanted him to change. He is constantly showing me he hasn't but trying his hardest to show me he has. He wants me to suffer even though I did nothing to deserve it.

I spent the last 2 years of our marriage being accused of cheating on him. I never did and I'm still alone now. Healing alone.

There is no point to my post. I'm just ranting. I'm hurting. I want to feel better.

Want to acknowledge your post. Thats a hell of a time, what a 2 yr, no wonder you’re exhausted & sensitised
Have a cuppa, reflect upon how you’ve had to hold it all together
Take a deep breath, and say I’ve fucking got this

Thank you, I appreciate your comment. In all honesty, that's not even half of it. I've had to call the police many times as he can be so nasty when he wants to be.

This baby will be his 4th child to the 4th mother. He is narcissistic and I fell for it. He made me feel so special with his words yet his actions never showed it and I just felt completely trapped - trauma bonded as my therapist tells me.

In many ways his new relationship and his new child helps because it shows me he is just repeating patterns and the problem was never me. He simply cannot be alone .But equally it makes me feel extremely worthless that he could move on so quickly.

wow, of everything you have said the thing that would have tipped me over the edge today is the washing machine breaking down. Well done on not smashing it up with a sledge hammer and throwing the pieces through the window. xx
🌺

Give yourself permission to like yourself. Focus the here the now,not the what ifs and why
Focus on your family, your recovery
The ex, He will keep doing his thing, you now need to protect yourself and your son.

It sounds daft but the hardest part about it is my ex husband can fix anything. Build anything. The only good quality about him is....that really. So again, I just feel completely alone when something like that breaks.

Typically I've been told it's expensive to fix by a local repair service so I'm hoping the warranty will cover it as it's not that old. But 3 kids and no washing machine isn't fun.

I am starting a new job next week so I've done all the training for that this week which has been quite overwhelming.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm just hoping my solicitor handles him well and I don't get any backlash from it.

Am sorry OP, am having to try to stay resilient too (for different reasons) and it’s exhausting, am emotionally battered and every day is a struggle, I really feel for you and wish strength for us both

Thank you. I am trying - despite what this thread might look like.

I've just mentioned I'm starting a new job next week which is amazing. Everything has just been thrown at me the last few days and it's hard to do it alone. Not to have anyone to pick up my pieces for once.

I'll be ok, it's just been a bad day. I miss my washing machine. And my shower.

I am so impressed you are managing to facilitate contact for your son’s sake in the midst of all this. You sound very strong and capable. Good luck with the new job.

(You don’t have to be strong and capable all the time, if you feel like it then have a coffee and a cry on the way to work and let it all out. You’re important too)

I am so sorry you feel the same way. I'm sending you all my love xx

My therapist says being resilient is a positive thing. And I agree that it is. But when it's constant....it's exhausting.

To be clear, I’m suggesting not instructing. Your therapist knows you, they’ll keep you steady. Agree it is exhausting to be resilient, like running the emotional batteries

When I was struggling with divorce I screenshotted this gem by a wise mumsnetter. I still look at it now if I feel low -

Yeh well he's a twat, so in the long run you'll be far happier without him.
But it's totally crap having to wade through all the mire on your own, so whilst it seems so incredibly hard and impossible now (and there's no denying it is) it will get easier. Your kids will be fine, because they have you as their constant source of comfort, strength and safety, and although you may not be feeling enormously resilient right now, you are.

Thank you. It hasn't been easy to let my son go. Limited contact is best for now - he goes 1 day every other weekend with regular FaceTimes. Obviously I am jealous and bitter according to my ex. However my son has additional needs and due to the fact that my ex didn't see our son for 3 months solid and another 2 months previous to that, he has a lot of work to do before I will allow any more contact.

Life would have been much easier if I had just blocked him completely. But my son wants to see his dad. One of my exs other kids had chosen to walk away from his dad at the age of 10. Which means my son has lost a sibling in all this. I felt it would have done more damage than good if he lost his dad too.

It's been awful.

Pinching that. Thank you ❤️

That's a great quote. You sound amazing OP to be going through all that and still being standing. Really hope everything turns out better for you 🤞

I just wanted to say, I’m rooting for you. I know it’s hard today, and tomorrow might be even harder, but you’ve had the luckiest escape of your life x

God, I'm so sorry OP. A lot of this really resonates with me, the constant working, fighting and shit being thrown left and right. It's a bad patch and I bet you things will get better, easier and more enjoyable. Keep your head up and your eyes on the prize; you and your children's lives which will be so much better with less of this prick in it. You're doing great x

I also found a glass of wine, some loud music and screaming occasionally helped too 😅

OP, you in the eye of the storm at the moment. Just keep putting one foot in front of another and your new future will slowly unfold.

I coped by accepting and asking for help from loved ones and buying in help as well (when I could afford it) so I booked a plumber for the leak etc and stuck it on a credit card just so it was sorted.

Life is still hard a few years on, mostly for financial reasons more than anything else, but DD and I had a chat about all our fun memories from post split life and there’s so many! Everything from simple movie night with ice cream that I remember vividly because it was after EXDH had finally moved out and I’d had the locks changed so it was the first fun evening we had that he couldn’t ruin with his moods, to London trips to see how’s and barbecues with friends.

it is HARD being a single parent but my goodness the bond I have with my children is wonderful.

I am also described as ‘the strongest person I know’ by people and that’s all well and good but sometimes I want the cavalry to arrive and take over for me but there isn’t one, so I pick myself up and carry on as that’s what needs to happen.

sending you 🥰