To be so upset by colleague death?

[avarteahaba]

I worked with a person a few times (there's multiple people on shift at once)I didn't know them well at all but had a strange soft-spot for them. I think partly because they were treated badly by other members of staff.

They suddenly died two weeks ago.

For some reason, it's really affected me.

It was their memorial today, I could not stop crying. Looking at the photographs of them etc. was just heartbreaking.

I felt like a fraud/weirdo for being so upset. But I can't help it?

AIBU? Do I need to suck it up?

I also cry every time I talk about it.

I am NOT usually an emotional person, and very rarely cry.

You don’t need have a deep connection/have know them years to be upset by a death.

death is sad, it reminds us life is short and brings a lot of negative and sad emotions.

feel what you’re feeling. It’s ok.

You are not being unreasonable. I think it is also something to do with someone who goes suddenly especially if they are of a similar age to you or younger.

You may not have known them really, but you still took to who you thought they were. There is no right or wrong, your reaction is your reaction.

Your feelings are valid. Doesn’t matter you didn’t know them. (Im absolutely gutted about Michael Mosley I thought he was great though I never met him). Look after yourself xx

Absolutely not. Death provokes strong intense emotions it’s why it’s at crux of literature & art because it elicits a response. In some way this colleague elicited a response, maybe you saw a parallel in how you’d been treated?or simply felt an injustice in their treatment

clearly you need a balance, you can’t go full on grieving and wailing. You can legitimately express sadness (just not habitually)

It's a horrible shock and totally normal to be upset x

It's not at all strange to be moved by someone's death. It's very natural and human. I remember being really upset one day when I went into Tesco and there was a book of condolence in memory of a staff member who had died - I literally didn't even know her name before that but she was a familiar face, and a person, and she was gone.

Of course you don’t need to just suck it up, death causes very unexpected emotions sometimes. Let yourself feel it 💐

Thank you so much for your lovely words.

You are not a fraud or a weirdo, just a caring person.

You were already emotionally moved by him because you responded to his vulnerability and it triggered your empathy. Now he has gone from vulnerable to tragic, your empathy is in overdrive and has no outlet other than grief. Had he lived you could perhaps have befriended him a little as a positive outlet, but that opportunity has gone. This will feel intense for a while, but will gain perspective and pass. You sound like an empath OP, in the true not trite sense of the word, and its not always easy on the emotions.

You're upset because you're a kind caring person OP. Be kind to yourself and give it time 💐

You might find it helpful to write to his family, a short sympathy note saying you miss the person and are sorry for their loss. It may bring you closure. It’s important (I mean this kindly) to not overly-project, on how you might have known them better; you can still mourn the loss, but the opportunity has passed - express your regret, once.

YANBU at all. Look how many people get upset over celebrities and royals that they’ve never met dying ? Loss affects us in different ways.

I met someone twice when I was a child, she was a few years older than me and had invited me over for a play date. She was warm and welcoming and I saw her like a cool big sister and I couldn’t wait to see her again. It never happened because she died a few months later. 3 decades later and l still think of her sometimes. She was badly bullied and ostracised in her village by other kids so I understand having a soft spot for someone others have mistreated. I just wish her life could’ve been better and much longer before she died.

Anyway you don’t need to rush to move on, or suppress the grief. You’re not being being a weirdo - you’re an empathic and considerate person.

Encounters with death make us remember our own mortality, too. I’m not saying your sadness isn’t to do with your colleague - of course it is, but there might be more of you in there - how you feel about your own life and death.