DH & alcohol

[Whywhy85]

I think DH is unreasonable. But thinks I am.
i worry he is drinking too much. On average a bottle of wine per night on weeknights & also on weekends, but also some beer or whisky on weekend.
he does well at work, recently got a promotion.
never late. But he sleeps through everything and gets really wobbly in evenings leaving me to deal with toddler. He says it’s not because of alcohol he’s just tired. But I think he’s be less tired if he didn’t drink so much?
I think he’s in denial & I want to be more blunt with him but I don’t know how. I haven’t said anything to him for a while because he gets annoyed when I bring it up. But that just makes me think he’s too dependent on it.
when I asked him in the past why he needs it everyday, he said he doesn’t need it. So I asked why he keeps drinking every day then.
mid also said in the past I’d like to be intimate without him drinking alcohol because it effects things, and could he wait until after we make love. But he can’t help it. He just has to have a drink or two first.
every day his breath smells of red wine and when I try to tell him he gets annoyed. I told him I’m trying to help him but it never seems to be the right time.
to anybody else he probably seems fine.

bit AIBU or is DH?
please help
x

I’m sorry but your husband is an alcoholic.

You are not being unreasonable he clearly has an issue. Can you reach out to Al-anon who are for family support?

That is an enormous amount and he is an alcoholic. If he ‘doesn’t need it’ he should be able to just stop- but he can’t so he’s dependent. That will be damaging his health, his bank account and his relationships. He really really needs help. I’m sorry you are going through this. My dh is a recovering Alcoholic and it’s a tough road for all of you full of lumps and bumps but it’s so worth it. Sending you lots of hugs

My DH drinks about the same, he's not an alcoholic, can stop at any time and frequently does. Right now for example he's only drinking at weekends and stopping after 1 bottle or a couple of pints.
He's 6'5", lots of muscle, never seems even tipsy.
He wears a fitness tracker. on the nights he has a drink the tracker absolutely shows that his sleep pattern is substantially affected. It also shows a measure of stress on his body, like he's exercising all evening rather than being sat on the sofa.

The red flag here is that your DH isn't listening to your concerns and not trying to compromise and that could indicate a dependency. Not definitely, but it's got to be a possibility. I'd start by requesting that he cut back Monday to Wednesday as a trial to see if he's less tired. I'd also stop buying wine in the weekly shop.

He's drinking way beyond safe limits, it makes him too 'wobbly' to care for his child, he's putting it ahead of his sex life, and he won't go without even to prove he can. He is a problem drinker and almost certainly alcohol dependent, but because he's able to keep it to his home life (for now) can afford it without his family having to go without and doesn't get nasty, it's easy to sweep it under the carpet.
And tbh, you probably both could for an easy life in the short term. Pretend it's OK and normalise it as plenty do. However, the damage he's doing to his health will likely catch up with him, and its also possible future events such as job stress, bereavement etc could trigger an escalation, which was what happened in my relationship.
If I could have my time over I'd have insisted he stop, with an alcohol or me ultimatum. I'd have saved myself (and him) a great deal of misery if I had.

Thanks all.

hes told me it’s not a problem yet he can never be fully honest with GP etc.
i asked him in the past could he not drink one night because it makes his snoring so intense. He told me he would not do that. That he’ll stop if he wants to.

but it’s been while since I asked that. I’ll ask about him stopping a few nights or cutting back.

You are right. I’m taking the east route by not saying anything anymore and just going with it.
but maybe I do need to give an ultimatum.
i am an over thinker so I know he will think that’s what I am doing. Or maybe I’m not an over thinker and he’s just a downplayer …

You can’t control his drinking. Only your response to it.
@OttersAreMySpiritAnimal your husband does have a drink problem. Daily binge drinking isn’t healthy. The fact he doesn’t seem drunk? That just means he has built up a tolerance for this level of heavy drinking.

Have you worked out how many units he's drinking? A bottle of wine a night on average would be 70 units a week, then you say he sometimes has more on weekends. NHS guidelines is 14 units a week. This might shock him into cutting down? It can so easily get worse as well.

@Wolfiefan so true. I guess I’m starting to worry as my toddler gets older how it will affect them. I don’t want this to be our normal

Well then he is WAY above that.

What is the best way to start a conversation about this?
I don’t know how to open it. :/

I think my husband would drink every night if I was ok with it but I’m not and made it clear Saturday night only and every now and then a couple on a Sunday afternoon if he was watching sport etc

I think there's a few different things you can try with him, but it does seem like he may be quite sensitive about it? I think try to keep it a calm situation and tell him how worried you are about the situation with your children, bring up how many units he's drinking per week, talk about the health implications etc

"I think you've got a problem with alcohol and I'm worried about you and us"

Go to AlAnon. I found it really helpful.

Sadly my DH was like yours. He was in no way violent or abusive but I spent more and more time alone as he was passed out on the sofa. Our kids suffered and I eventually left with them.

He was functioning until lockdown but lost his licence and job, then his life to cirrhosis.

I'd suggest asking for your post to be moved to the Alcohol Support board, lots of good advice there. Good luck.

He probably enjoys it, probably finds it relaxing and thinks he isn’t drunk, likely feels fine, thinks it isn’t affecting him etc.

But it’s too much unfortunately, he needs to have at least two days off a week- at least!

DH and I love nothing better than a bottle of wine, book/netflix. Glug, glug… it just increases, sneaks up on you. As you get older it affects you more, you might feel fine but affects your weight, sleep, waistline. Got to cut back! He will feel better and slimmer when he does.

Sadly you can talk all you want but unless HE sees his drinking as a problem then nothing will change.

You don;t say how old you are but I'm thinking fairly young for you to have a toddler. Your husband's drinking is a problem that will not go away. I have been living with a functional alcoholic for 26 years. I grew up with a functional alcoholic. It doesn't cause issues very often but when it does it always makes me think I should leave the marriage. We have gotten to the point where I realized last week that he had whiskey in his coffee mug during the week at 6:00am. He was not working that day. My reaction? Nothing. He would gaslight me and when he couldn't make me back down on my accusation he would somehow turn it around on me. Its our family secret. I want better for you and your child.

That's a lot and really worrying that he seems to be dependent. It sounds like you end up default parenting and de facto solo parenting a lot of the time. If he's unable to look after his own child that's a huge concern but may also be a wake up call. It must be really hard to be able to see so clearly the effect it's having and for him to be in denial. Definitely agree with others on Al-Anon and getting support for yourself - and I hope he sees sense.

The snoring is awful. Try recording it on your phone so he can't minimise it. Al Anon will help you.

my Ex was like this, insisted he didn’t have a problem. We split when DD2 was two and I recently discovered that he has advanced liver cirrhosis. He is only 49 but almost died last month from internal bleeding. I’m furious with him for putting my DD in the position that she may lose her dad. You need to let your DH know that he is hurting you and your child. He needs to decide which is most important to him, alcohol or his family

My friend has finally told her alcoholic DH she wants a divorce. She’s 60 and has three children and two grandchildren. She’s full of regrets that she wasted her life on this loser. Don’t be my friend.

He's dependent on alcohol and that's the voice he's listening to, not yours. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face but nothing will change unless he's ready to engage with help. A PP was right in that all you can do is minimise the impact on you and your child. Al Anon was a lifeline for my aunt when she was going through this with my uncle. He was dead by 47....

He's drinking WAY over the recommended limits and isn't prepared to cut down or limit himself in any way. You have raised legitimate concerns and he's ignored them. These are both big red flags OP. In my experience, problem drinking like this gets worse over time. You need to be very clear with him that he either addresses the problem or you don't see a future for the two of you together. You and your child deserve better and you can't bury your head in the sand any longer. Get some support from Al-Anon. Look after yourself 💐