AIBU to not want to spend my money and holidays to visit this friend?

[UntiedLacesAgain]

A friend emigrated a decade or so ago. We were friends but not exceptionally close. She keeps asking if I’ll visit.

I don’t particularly want to visit her country and it’s a lot of money which I have other uses for(Not other holidays)

I don’t expect her to visit me as it’s no less expensive for her, though she does visit the UK or did.

She’s recently had a baby and I’ve sent a gift but AIBU to not want to visit a country that doesn’t interest me when it’d cost me a lot of money?

You could go over and only stay with her for 2-3 days and spent the rest of the time visiting Australia. DH and I did exactly this with friends who live there, it was wonderful. HOWEVER we wanted a holiday in Australia anyway so we just made sure we fit in a visit to friends too.

I actually live abroad now too, an expensive 12 hrs flight from the UK. We always tell people they should visit and stay with us, people we never expected have taken us up on the offer, while close friends have declined for family and money reasons. Totally fine! I know it's a long way away, I'm just trying to be nice and I am not offended, I totally get it. It's a very expensive luxury destination so people have jumped at it because otherwise they would never be able to holiday here.

I also give people rough time periods when it's best to come when I make the invite because in the beginning we had people try to take us up on the offer without checking dates with us first so I try to pre-empt that by saying "come visit, we're away for the summer but Nov-Dec is a great time to visit"

I believe she can be serious about the invitation.

One of my friends moved away and says she expected people would tend to visit her more. We keep in touch over the phone and I really like to see her when she comes back, but she moved too far for my sense of a weekend trip and too remote to plan a it like a stop over at hers on the way to somewhere else.

I'd say be honest. Say that you can't spend the time and money on the trip, but if she gets back, you would like to see her.
If she suggests dates and you make an excuse, it is only logical that she would suggest different dates later.

I would tend to say "God no, I couldn't in a million years face a 24 hour flight (or whatever length it is)." Then move the subject on to the baby.

I don't think there is anyone in the world I would consider worth flying across the world to see!

Don't leave her dangling though. Just put an end to the requests by giving her your excuses - whether that be length of flights, costs or both!

Just use distance and cost. Say something nice like let me know next time you are in the UK and we could have coffee. Repeat as often as needed!

Have you actually been honest with her and told her you don't want to go?

It's unclear from your posts as to whether you have declined to visit and she keeps trying to change your mind, or if she keeps asking you and you are saying "um, maybe in the future" to be polite.

If you haven't been upfront with her, then obviously she is going to keep mentioning it as she probably has no idea that you don't actually want to go.

I had a relative that moved abroad, she thought everyone would be begging come to stay and get a free holiday but no one did, she was only in a European country too.
think she was really disappointed but didn't understand that People want to spend their holidays and money on what they enjoy.
Maybe your friend is feeling a similar way, she thought everyone would love to come and stay with her and maybe no one really has.
Also been a guest in someone else's home isn't always the easiest and can cause issues for the friendships. Also if she's out in Oz, it's a long long flight, Oz is also expensive.

I’ve told her no for the reasons listed, several times.

Ok, so do you want to know whether YABU or are you asking for advice on how to handle your pushy friend ignoring the fact you've told her you don't want to visit?

Obviously, YANBU for not wanting to visit her.

But if she can't let it go and is insisting that you MUST visit her even if you don't want to, I would explain to her that your interactions with her are becoming very frustrating and unenjoyable as she isn't listening to you or respecting your boundaries.

Depending on how you feel about it all, you could say something along the lines of "I do value your friendship but if we're going to keep discussing your pitch for the Australian Tourist Board every time we speak, I'm going to have to consider taking a step back from you as this is exhausting".

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

You've said yourself that you weren't that close 🤷🏻‍♀️

She can't seriously expect people to spend thousands of pounds to go and see her.

This is quite a strange post!
It’s quite simple really…….you don’t want to go so don’t go!

I’d just say you can’t afford it right now as you have other commitments tbh. It’s not unreasonable to not want to spend the money to see one person. When she comes here I’m sure it’s to see family and other friends so it makes sense for her.

I must be missing something. Your friend wants you to visit but you don’t want to go because you don’t particularly want to see the country she lives in? Is the point not that you want to see her, regardless of where she lives? It sounds like you are not all that close and the country/expense is a nice excuse not to see her.
My Friend lives in NZ and after 5years of saving we (husband, 2kids) are going to see her and her family. If you wanted to see your friend and her new baby you’d make it happen (even a compromise location due to costs). Just say the cost is too much and ask her when she plans on next visiting the UK?

I mean if you don't want to go, you don't want to but don't write off Australia, it's an amazing country and well worth the trip.

If I went to the expense and stress of travelling all that way, I'd want to see the country. And it sounds like OP wouldn't have that, she would feel obliged to be with her friend and her baby for quite a lot of the time.

I remember DF and DSM moving to a lovely European country and making that sweeping 'come visit' statement. They were utterly sick of the non-stop guests who expected them to host evening meals with wine, etc, each night without offering any contribution. After the first summer, they definitely directed people to local hotels, and lo and behold, the visits dropped substantially. I guess if you live abroad you can't win!

I would say, "I would love to see you and your beautiful baby, but it's just too far for me to travel."

Just say, 'Thanks for the invitation. If I ever win the lottery, I certainly will!' That tells her you have no intention of spending a fortune visiting her, ever.

These days, after some similar experiences, I tend to think that someone moving to Australia is a fairly good sign that they are not going to figure much in your life going forward. So, unless you actually want to visit Australia, stop worrying about it.

But I would enjoy hearing about @TinkerTiger's experiences with the friend who moved to enjoy a gilded lifestyle abroad!