Struggling with 12 year old son

[sadmum27]

Tale as old as time I suppose. My once loving, sweet boy has turned into a horror at the age of 12. Rudeness, attitude, laziness. Trying to instil the most basic of personal responsibility and helpfulness in him is hard work. Things like picking wet towels up off the floor, hanging his own clothes up etc never mind things that might actual benefit the whole household like chores. He will do it at a push but there's such a battle it's hardly worth it.

The worst bit is his attitude. This morning we were having a good natured joke with each other and suddenly he turns and tells me to shut up. He does this a lot and has repeatedly been told it's not ok to speak to an adult like that. Apparently it's our fault for 'being annyoing'. He's stomped off to school without saying goodbye this morning which I hate but I couldn't be bothered tip toeing around him while he's being so unpleasant over nothing. My dh (not bio dad but been around since he was little) struggles with it too and I often have to mediate between them.

It's hard because deep down I know he's a good kid and a lot of this is par for the course with teens but I'm just sad. And don't know how to deal with it because previously he's never given me any issues so never really had to discipline him much. Any tips?

Hormones really mess with you. Be kind to him, he is going through an awful lot at the moment. He will grow out of it eventually. Empathise with him, tell him you remember how hard it was when you were a teenager. And don't talk to him in the mornings if he is grumpy and doesn't want to talk.

Well there’s no excuse for telling you to “shut up”. There must be a consequence otherwise he will still keep doing it or be worse as the teenage years go on. I’d remove phone or turn off WiFi. Nip this in the bud now.

Quite common from around the age of 11-12. hormones
Does he eat breakfast in the morning?

He may be HAngry. Hungry=Angry. Quite common among teens and tbh men in general 😅

My 11 and half years old turns from a morning monster into a kitten after he eats something🐈. But beware to be the one to wake him up 🧌👹💀

Ignore it.

When he is in a "good mood" have a chat along the lines of you acknowledging he is growing up and that that the boundaries are changing as he shifts from child to teen and then from teen on to adult, and it's all new territory for both of you. But be clear - if he wants to be treated more as an adult and less as a child, then he has to act more as an adult and start to take responsibility for his stuff - wet towels etc.

But don't do it whilst a strop is in progress. Just ignore the strop and get on with whatever you were doing, however you normally do it. Don't accidentally escalate anything. If he goes off in a huff, welcome him back later with a smile. Just be you and live a normal life with your DH, the thing that is currently a hormonal teen will revert to being a human soon enough.

Well the 'shut ups' can happen any time of the day so I don't think it's hangry related.
The stroppiness, the wanting to be left alone etc I can deal with but outright rudeness to dh and I really isn't ok. He's pulled up on it every time and I have removed his phone on occasion but probably need to be more consistent with punishments like that.

It just comes from nowhere. He would never speak to his bio dad in that way, but I think that's because he is far stricter and would come down on him like a ton of bricks. In one sense I'm glad he feels safe enough to let some of his real emotions out with us. But it's not nice to be on the receiving end of and makes me feel very unappreciated.

Oh boo. No wonder children are such vile horrors these days. Funny how generations of people have grown up, been teens without being the badly behaved children like today. Poor boy, op needs to be kind to him after being told to shut up. This is where it's going wrong.

He needs a firm chat and consequences. That's not acceptable.

He needs consequences. Put boundaries in place or it will get much worse for you

Honestly when it comes to teens pick your battles. If you start going to war over the little things then it’s going to be a hard few years.

Decide on your hard limits and stick to them but let the other stuff wash.

Teenagers are very much like toddlers, praise the good no matter how small and direct consequences for the bad such as if he leaves his towel wet then he’ll have to use that towel again or if he leaves all his clothes on the floor well he’s going to look very creased. Plus snacks. Lots of snacks.

Ah, this bit is shit.

When he's in a brighter mood, I'd have a sideways chat with him. So, do something together and bring it up lightly. I'd insist on, what we call in this house, a bare minimum level of respect. Set it out clearly. No matter how emotional or pissed off he is, he needs to treat you and his step dad with the level of respect demanded. For me, that was not telling us to shut up, or to slam doors so hard that they're at risk of damage, he's allowed to be annoyed, but no swearing or anything like that.

I also read, when mine was a teen a psychologist saying 'I'm fine' is the hardest thing to overcome when talking to teens. So I told my teen this. That I won't believe 'I'm fine' if his body language and other things he was doing was telling me otherwise. I was clear that he didn't have to tell me exactly what was wrong (although if he did it would help!) but admitting that he wasn't fine was a great first step.

I also discussed privacy. That as he grew older I understood the need for privacy, but that secrets were different. I could always deal with the truth no matter how awful it seemed to him.

I remember when mine was about 16 I was in bed, and he can and slammed on the bed next to me and buried his head in my side. I didn't say anything, just cuddled up to him. And he said... I'm not fine. Breakthrough! He was having a fall out with his girlfriend and they were on the verge of breaking up. We'd been though this a couple of times before and he just slammed around and was pretty hard to be around. Every time, I told him that I was there for him and he could talk to me about anything. He never did, although weeks later he'd mention it. I had to put 2 and 2 together. But persistence paid off!

I also discussed teenage changes with him, and showed him some brain scans of teenagers and stuff and showed him how some of what he was going through is recognised, it's developmental. And I think that helped too!

And I always told him I was on his team. I wasn't his enemy.

Mines nearly 20 now and we can have a good giggle about some of what went on.