Extreme Preferential Treatment Towards Disabled Sibling

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I have a brother with a significant physical disability. All there mentally though. My mother has a very strong bond with him and is extra protective. Their relationship is actually a bit dysfunctional (she does too much for him) and she is a bit obsessed with him.

I had a normal disagreement with my brother and I was off with him for a few hours. ( I was very annoyed with his lack of interest in a very frustrating problem I needed his help with). He hasnt spoken to me in 3 days over our argument even though I've made an effort to speak a few times. Total overreaction. My mother overheard our tiff, took his side and and gave me the cold shoulder for about 24 hours after. It's still strained between us.

I'm annoyed as she acts like a helicopter parent and will jump in to any fight or disagreement he has with anyone, and take his side. She can't let him fight his own battles. I'm now earmarked as a big bully.

I'm feeling very hurt and ganged up on. I know it's petty but this has happened numerous times. I'm made to feel as though I've done something extraordinarily awful if I have any type of disagreement with him and I feel immense guilt (even though its just a regular tiff that adult siblings have).

I'm so hurt and annoyed with both of them that I now don't want to speak with either of them.

Am i being extremely petty, or do I have a right to be hurt?

I guess to some degree it depends on what the argument was about OP, without knowing that, how can we know if your DM is being unreasonable in taking your DB's side?

ok so I may be way off the mark here……
but I have never had a ‘regular tiff’ with my brother as adults. Literally never.
Maybe my experience is unusual, but possibly your disagreements are down to more deep seated relationship issues brought on by the clear favouritism your mum displays?

The whole situation sounds a bit dysfunctional really. Regularly falling out with other adults, being off with them, getting annoyed because he wasn't interested in your problem? I don't think it's normal to have a tiff with adult siblings. Your mother's behaviour doesn't sound any weirder than the rest of it

YANBU. There's a term 'glass child' for the sibling of a disabled child - the one the parents look through as if they were transparent, because all their attention is focused on the disabled child.

If you think your mother is generally a good person would it be worth having a very honest conversation with her? Don't refer at all to her relationship with him, just with you. Show the hurt behind your anger and ask her opinion on what sort of relationship she feels has with you and wants with you. It might make her realise she has got locked into overly focusing on him.

Do you all live together?

I needed help with ear syringing (a clogged ear - long story). He was chatting on his phone to someone on a dating site and couldn't be bothered helping me. Kept rolling his eyes and wouldnt bother).
I help him with his medical needs always. I walked away in frustration because of his lack of help and my blocked ear was really, really getting to me. I was still annoyed a few hours later over his lack of care. Small issue I know but I was angry at the time.

Yes, for context we live together. My brother is disabled so lives at home. I am unmarried and live at home too.

We normally get on very well but it's toxic at the moment. I just feel blacklisted over something so minor.

I think you’re in a weird dynamic because you live together. Would you consider moving out? You might find some independence and happiness.

Why couldn't you just wait until he'd finished on the phone?
You were very rude

Sorry OP, but as someone who also struggles with blocked ears on a regular basis, I do think you were actually being quite unreasonable in expecting your DB to help you, especially as he was in the middle of a phone call. I use one of those bottles a bit like a plant sprayer, with a longer tube on, that you can buy from Amazon. Sometimes it works very quickly to clear my ears, other times it can take a lot longer, but it does always work in the end. If you were trying to use something like this, then I don't really think anyone else can help you that much, you just have to keep going until the wax dislodges. If all your arguments are based on stuff like this, then I'm not surprised your DM tends to take his side. It sounds like it's time for you to move out and learn to cope with doing things on your own.

He wasn't on a phonecall. Just messaging someone. It was 12 in the day and he had been messaging all week. All I wanted was 5 minutes. I was super frustrated. It was his lack of care that annoyed me.

Yes, it's not ideal that we live together but currently that is how it is right now.

Can you pay to get your ears sorted? It's safer than syringing them at home anyway

I think you are being somewhat unreasonable. I am not sure why it needed doing right now. I realise you feel there should be some reciprocity of care but it's hard without knowing the nature of his disability to know how fair that is. It's actually pants feeling like a burden and like you "owe " people all the time. But yeah I get that feeling like there is a "precious" child in the family can also be really unhealthy

Definitely unusual! Sibling tiffs never fully stop for most people. They just change and mature in nature. Obviously it's even worse if you were always warring as kids.

It’ll always be like this. He’s disabled so your mum will always be protective of him and take his side. It’s the same in my family. I’ve learnt to accept it even though it’s hurtful.

Gently, as the parent in this situation, can I beg you to cut him some slack and vice-versa. What I will remind you is that everyone ends up very stressed, both immediately and in the long term, in these situations because genuinely, no one has enough bandwidth to deal with it all. Sometimes we/he/you/your parents do get it wrong. We all get it wrong because we are overstressed, and because the band is not wide enough. Everyone gets shortchanged; try to remember that it's not personal, even when it may be wrong.

There is no reason for you to live at home because you are unmarried. Are you an adult with a job? I think you should make plans to move out.