Ever since I had children (now aged 5 and 3yrs). I have felt enormous resentment towards my mother and am exhausted by this feeling and want to let it go. Somehow. Is that possible?
I'm in my 30s, she's in her 70s. I have a really good relationship with my two siblings. My eldest sibling is of the view that our mother has narcissistic tendancies. I don't entirely disagree. The middle sibling doesn't see any wrongdoing with our mother, but she's had a very different mother to my other sibling; she had a child much younger and my mum provided all childcare as she couldn't afford to pay for it. I'm seen as more able to cope, and so am not offered any support. Or mothering. Which, when I became a mother myself, I needed more than ever.
Brief examples; having now recovered I can see I had pretty bad PND and I feel resentful towards her for not seeing that or offering me support. My husband had just admitted to being an alcoholic (now sober) and I was going through utter hell. My memories of her actions during that time were to tell me to loose weight to keep my husband (I was then a size 12) and only ever asking how my husband was, whether he was coping with the sleep deprivation etc (he didn't have sleep deprivation, he slept in a separate room when the kids were little, which worked for us as I was breastfeeding so it made sense for him to get a full night sleep and then take the babies early so I could have some uninterrupted sleep. Both things my mother knew). She told me my marriage would fail if he slept in the spare room. She never once told me I was doing a good job with my children. Never once offered to help with childcare (despite knowing how expensive it was and how all my friends rely on their mum's for some help). She won't even babysit for an evening so I can go out to dinner with my husband. She asks for a birthday list every year and I just ask for a few hours out of an evening and she ignores it and buys me an expensive anti-aging cream. Lovely, but not what I wanted. Why ask?
I have vivid memories of her saying she wasn't as proud of me as she was my sister as my sister struggled more to gain academic success, whereas it was easier for me. It was never easy. I quit my job with my first baby and, when she was 18m old and I'd been through some hellish interviews to get a new job she told me, as week before going back to work, that the baby needed me and I shouldn't. My husband and I earn a decent amount and both have professional jobs but are made to feel our home is too small and not adequate (it's our first home together, 3 bed detached and we bought when we were 29/30yo, well before the vast majority of our friends) - for example we had some family over at the weekend and she commented how much of a squeeze it is to fit around our 10 seater ringing room table. She's a boomer and never had to work thanks to my dad, paid about 5k for her first home and is now "downsized" to a 5 bed 1 million pound property in her 70s which feels too small as she has so many "hobby rooms". She's totally out of touch with reality. I'm on my knees with exhaustion atm as I work ridiculous hours at a stressful job and am up multiple times a night with a challenging 3yo (my husband is up too, we rely heavily on each other now as there is no one else we can ask for help. It's made us stronger, but is exhausting not being able to get a break).
I feel an enormous amount of resentment and I've tried talking to her in previous years about how her behaviour comes across, but she's negated my feelings to such a degree that I don't want the upset of trying to have that conversation again.
I want her to apologise for her behaviour and offer to help and genuinely want to help, but I know she never will, so I want to be able to let the resentment go and know that I will parent my children differently. I just want to feel peace but I find it so difficult.
I see her every couple of weeks as I invite her over for a cup of tea to see the children mainly, so they have some semblance of a relationship with her, but it's not much and every time she does or says something upsetting; telling my husband he's not really an alcoholic so should loosen up a bit and have a drink, saying the children were too loud and generally making me feel inadequate.
Therapy is probably the answer, but I don't really have the time or money.
Any advice?