Resentment towards my mother

[UnicornAndSparkles]

Ever since I had children (now aged 5 and 3yrs). I have felt enormous resentment towards my mother and am exhausted by this feeling and want to let it go. Somehow. Is that possible?

I'm in my 30s, she's in her 70s. I have a really good relationship with my two siblings. My eldest sibling is of the view that our mother has narcissistic tendancies. I don't entirely disagree. The middle sibling doesn't see any wrongdoing with our mother, but she's had a very different mother to my other sibling; she had a child much younger and my mum provided all childcare as she couldn't afford to pay for it. I'm seen as more able to cope, and so am not offered any support. Or mothering. Which, when I became a mother myself, I needed more than ever.

Brief examples; having now recovered I can see I had pretty bad PND and I feel resentful towards her for not seeing that or offering me support. My husband had just admitted to being an alcoholic (now sober) and I was going through utter hell. My memories of her actions during that time were to tell me to loose weight to keep my husband (I was then a size 12) and only ever asking how my husband was, whether he was coping with the sleep deprivation etc (he didn't have sleep deprivation, he slept in a separate room when the kids were little, which worked for us as I was breastfeeding so it made sense for him to get a full night sleep and then take the babies early so I could have some uninterrupted sleep. Both things my mother knew). She told me my marriage would fail if he slept in the spare room. She never once told me I was doing a good job with my children. Never once offered to help with childcare (despite knowing how expensive it was and how all my friends rely on their mum's for some help). She won't even babysit for an evening so I can go out to dinner with my husband. She asks for a birthday list every year and I just ask for a few hours out of an evening and she ignores it and buys me an expensive anti-aging cream. Lovely, but not what I wanted. Why ask?

I have vivid memories of her saying she wasn't as proud of me as she was my sister as my sister struggled more to gain academic success, whereas it was easier for me. It was never easy. I quit my job with my first baby and, when she was 18m old and I'd been through some hellish interviews to get a new job she told me, as week before going back to work, that the baby needed me and I shouldn't. My husband and I earn a decent amount and both have professional jobs but are made to feel our home is too small and not adequate (it's our first home together, 3 bed detached and we bought when we were 29/30yo, well before the vast majority of our friends) - for example we had some family over at the weekend and she commented how much of a squeeze it is to fit around our 10 seater ringing room table. She's a boomer and never had to work thanks to my dad, paid about 5k for her first home and is now "downsized" to a 5 bed 1 million pound property in her 70s which feels too small as she has so many "hobby rooms". She's totally out of touch with reality. I'm on my knees with exhaustion atm as I work ridiculous hours at a stressful job and am up multiple times a night with a challenging 3yo (my husband is up too, we rely heavily on each other now as there is no one else we can ask for help. It's made us stronger, but is exhausting not being able to get a break).

I feel an enormous amount of resentment and I've tried talking to her in previous years about how her behaviour comes across, but she's negated my feelings to such a degree that I don't want the upset of trying to have that conversation again.

I want her to apologise for her behaviour and offer to help and genuinely want to help, but I know she never will, so I want to be able to let the resentment go and know that I will parent my children differently. I just want to feel peace but I find it so difficult.

I see her every couple of weeks as I invite her over for a cup of tea to see the children mainly, so they have some semblance of a relationship with her, but it's not much and every time she does or says something upsetting; telling my husband he's not really an alcoholic so should loosen up a bit and have a drink, saying the children were too loud and generally making me feel inadequate.

Therapy is probably the answer, but I don't really have the time or money.

Any advice?

It sounds like she is quite a dark cloud in your life. Could you invite her round a bit less frequently?

If you've no money or time for therapy, maybe have a look at positivity journalling. I find it quite useful for quieting negative voices in my mind.

I feel for you. You have to create space from her for you to focus on you, your mindset and your thoughts. She won't change but you can. Radical acceptance of who she is and what you want is so powerful for you.

I like the previous poster's suggestion about positive journaling too. Engage less, keep your focus on your children and you. Admit how you feel is okay and look beyond changing her. The space you create gives you peace.

I should say, I never felt like there was an issue until I had my own children and I realised I would never dream of acting towards them as she does towards me. But her behaviour has obviously stemmed from somewhere and I know she didn't have an easy childhood. She doesn't speak to any of her 4 siblings, not did she have a good relationship with her parents or in laws.

I probably should have her over less often @Wavywoo , I just feel guilty as I don't want my relationship with her to impact my children's relationship with their grandmother. And she won't be around forever. I want them to have good memories so I bite my tongue whilst she's here and then pour my heart out to my husband when she's left.

This is exactly it. I can't change her. I just want to change my feelings toward her. I want to care lessm but it's so hard when I feel like I'm grieving the mothering I haven't had, at least in my adult years. I needed her so badly and she couldn't be there for me. I can think of so many things that I will positively do for my children that she never did for me, or cruel things I would never dream of saying to them that were said to me.

I hope you are able to get a good balance OP

often GC adore grandparents so its a hard one for you

Good luck

I think you are being completely unrealistic in your expectations. She's had her children and doesn't need to provide any childcare or practical help, just family time and a relationship.
I feel I've been parenting for years now I need a bit of a break. Not taking on more childcare. Completely burnt out and still working.
She doesn't owe you childcare yes she owes you love but forget childcare.

I don't think she owes me anything. Not love, not childcare.

I'm upset because she doesn't want to help me and she's still my mum.

I am sorry you are going through this as well as problems with your DH you deserve so much more. A work colleague years ago was married to an alcoholic we didn’t know until she was advised by the GP after years to leave him (which she did as she couldn’t help him). Hope your DH is in recovery?

I have no advice really but sympathise as I have a similarly unfulfilling and unequal relationship with my DM. My sister and DN are the golden ones. I am more capable but this doesn’t go down well. I am seen as the black sheep of the family as we have a nice house in a nice area, I am married to my childrens dad and educationally and professionally I have done better than the rest of my family. I managed without any help from my DM just as well as none was forthcoming and like you I did ask. Yet my sister got lots of help and support with DN and DN was put on a pedestal and showered with love and compliments and still is. Whereas my two DC and my sisters younger DD have always played second fiddle to DN as far as my DM is concerned.

Now DN has had a baby she is round at my DM’s most days or my DM is round at hers. GN is only a couple of months old and DM has already seen her more, talked about her more and supported her more than she has with my DC in 20 years.

In my experience whether you talk, write a letter or go low or no contact your DM or whatever things will never change. Put yourself and your DC first you will get through the next few years. Your DM doesn’t deserve a relationship with your DC as mine didn’t but I still tried for 20 years. I waited for a miracle, for her to see sense realise the unfairness in the situation, maybe apologise and for her to want a closer relationship with me and my DC but she never met me half way or quarter of the way and didn’t really care about my DC.

Take care OP and maybe see even less of your DM for your own sanity.

This sounds incredibly familiar. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this too. It's so hard. I feel sad that my children are missing out on the grandmother experience so many of their friends have.

DH is in recovery, thank you for asking.

The reality is that she’s showing you the relationship she wants with you and your children. If it’s not what you want, then walk away. Just because you are genetically related doesn’t mean you have to put up with being continually disappointed. She’s not going to change now. Her behaviour will transfer to your children, there’s no point. Your unhappiness will also be sensed by your children, that’s not good for them. Your mother seems to have you exactly where she wants you, dangling. Don’t give her the satisfaction, it’s not fair on you, or your family.

You let go by knowing you deserve better.

Can I also suggest that you never send a letter to her. This always blows up in your face with these people. Write the letter, write many letters, keep them, look over them from time to time then throw them away when you are ready. But do not hand over emotional control to someone who is already running a deficit with you. Sending a letter to someone who has failed you is simply opening the door for them to do it again. Your peace comes from grieving then accepting, in your own time and way, then picking yourself up and respecting yourself for managing to do it.

I have a similar situation and it is a process. A long, horrible one.

Sometimes it helps to accept that you are loved but that love comes from a limited person, or a traumatized person who has limitations. It is not because you are not worthy, it's simply their capacity. So you focus on that being what it is, and for the rest you build it, find it in others and importantly, in yourself. Sorry I don't want to sound like I'm talking mum I jumbo or platitudes to you, but once it clicks for you then it releases you from resentment and sadness.

Sad as this is OP this is exactly it in a nutshell and has been exactly what has happened with my DM.

In the past over the years my DM would ask me what was wrong, or encourage me to speak up and open up to her if something was bothering me etc. Occasionally I would and I would be honest hoping for a different and better outcome. But DM would then either deny what I was saying, twist it or say I knew you were jealous, upset, bitter or something was bothering me etc and turn it round to things being my fault. She would admit no wrong doing or inequality and also sometimes say I am sorry you feel like that. But she would never admit things were unfair, unequal etc. On one occasion she said your first grandchild is always the most special and its just the way it is, I can’t help it that we are so close etc. Even if it was ok to say that and that were true me and my two have had an extremely raw deal. But she would never ever acknowledge this.

Take care OP and glad your DH is in recovery.

I think you should stop thinking about help - parenting really is your job. Yes emotional support and a good relationship but mums aren't there to provide childcare no idea why you would think so. I offer lots of support and help but childcare not so much.

Wow some solid advice OP have you seen a counsellor or read any books etc you could recommend?

Emotional support is help. I don't necessarily mean "help" with childcare, although to offer to babysit once in five years would have been nice! I mean being there for me when things were rough and I had PND. I parent my children, I don't need or want her to do that.

Yes I do understand that. I'm not being harsh I just get fed up with expectations sometimes - I've done 30 years of parenting I really can't do any more at least with the very little grandchildren. No problem at all when a bit older.

I have different but similar issues with my mum. I still hold a lot of resentment if I'm honest but what has helped me:

1. decide not to give it head space. You cause yourself hurt ontop of the hurt she causes by doing that
2. accept she isn't perfect and while she could have done better and you deserve better she did the best she could or knew how to
3. she is of the generation that these types of comments about your relationship with your husband were more the norm
4. what is her weight like? I relise my mother's comments on my weight were her projecting
5. what was her mother like? Did she have a good role model?
6. decide to learn from this. You know now how not to be a mother when your children are older.

If she is narcissistic she won't change. You can try talking to her but she may well twist it back on you and turn the family against you. Do you think this is likely? If you think she won't then a frank conversation with her could bring a lot of closure. But it may make you feel worse if she refuses to see fault and can't bring herself to apologise. I found my mother being defensive and refusing to apologise hurt very badly and I'm resolved to apologise to my kids if they ever raise something with me even if I don't agree with what they say.

I would see her less. Arrange to see her on outings or with your siblings make it less likely she can make her comments. Don't open up to her it's just ammunition. And time seeing her just before you do something nice so you are less likely to dwel on any comments that slip through. But if she starts with comments to your kids cut her out. No relationship with a grandparent is worth your kids feeling how you are feeling now

Don't be upset by posters making comments about how parenting is your job. You can understand and accept that but when you see your mother helping a sibling when they don't help you it's a big slap in the face. It's less the lack of help but the fact it makes you feel she loves you less than the sibling she helps. Or at least that's the case with my relationship with my mother. And in my case it's frustrating she says she doesn't have a favourite, goes out of her way to say it in fact when the reality is she clearly fucking does

I've been there. She will never change, mine certainly hasn't.
The straw that broke the camels back when she started treating my youngest child with the same distain that she treated me.
We gave been nc for 8 years now.
It still hurts but it would hurt more to be faced with her.
My children arn't missing out as she was never and never will be a loving, caring grandparent to them

I have a mother who has similarities and spent so many years trying to be close to her. I feel better now I'm not. The skittish put downs etc. I don't need to go into it because you know.

You probably haven't time for therapy. I find actually valuing and liking myself is the best way of being. And always strive to be a better parent.
Probably not the right advice but box your resentments about her up and get them out of your head it's draining for you and you haven't got the energy.
You need positivity in your brain not a drain. I don't feel you have the energy to confront her and she probably wouldn't care.
Maybe you should try and find a reliable babysitter to get a break DM obviously isn't going to offer. I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect a bit of support with the kids when sibling had it.
Practice more self care 💐

When I watched Rocketman I cried buckets for the shit relationship Elton had with his parents and in the credits it said about David and the boys and it said
And he is loved.

As previous posters have said, you need to accept that you can't change her and decide if you can put up with the situation as it is or would rather go no contact.

My mother has only had my children a handful of times in 11 years, I was just thinking the other day how she has never offered an over night stay in all that time.
She doesn't really listen to anything they ask or tell her when she does see them, is not interested in them, rarely has anything positive to say about them or to them it usually moa ing or telling them off. As a result they're not really bothered about seeing her.

I've given up bothering about it and think its her loss, she'll be the lonely one as they won't want to spend anytime with her as they get older.

As a parent, you do have a differ relationship with each child but it shouldn't be a case of favourites

It's easier to forgive or diminish the effect of slights and hurts when things are going well and you are happier in your own life. It would be good to focus on alleviating some of your exhaustion, getting a helper or part-time nanny, babysitter or cleaner and good sleep, rest and recreation for your own wellbeing. It does make a difference.

Your mother has her own background deficiences and needs which weren't fulfilled by her parents or by the life she has had. She also has a different experience and relationship with each of her children. You are probably designated the capable one, the one who doesn't need so much, in her eyes. She won't see things with you the way that you see them and to talk to her about them in any useful way can probably only be done with the assistance of a skilled mediator. Things can't always be resolved or agreed by both parties. You have to accept that to an extent and build what you can in your own life with your husband and children.

Be proud of yourself and what you have achieved and overcome despite the disappointments and setbacks. You have done well and are doing well as are your husband and children. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, to release the feelings for that disappointed child and have compassion and recognition for yourself and your struggles. Then seek out and enjoy some regular freedom and lightness in your life, whether that be a simple daily walk in the open air or a weekly night out or whatever else might appeal that gives you a sense of space and respite.

OP I think resentment is a good word. She could have done better but she didn't. It was a choice and one that made you feel lesser.

I'm a little concerned about your insistence on the DCs having a relationship with her. She's obviously a very difficult character, having fallen out with just about everybody. Will she be/is she a good grandma? Is there a risk of them growing up and seeing that she treats them as lesser too?

My worry is that you want her to have a good relationship with them as if that will somehow compensate for the way she's treated you if she's nice to them. But what if she isn't? Won't that hurt even more?