ExH, DC & new partner

[fluffmellow]

NC'd in case anyone recognises me

My EXH and I have 2DC, 7&5. We have been divorced for 4 years. EXH has had a few girlfriends in that time and introduced DC to at least two of them (I didn't know until after the fact). He now has a girlfriend who has a baby (not his) and they've been together between 1-2 months. DC go to his every other weekend but I found out that the last time they went, they stayed at his girlfriends house. He has messaged me today to let me know that he will be moving in with her and that from now on, when he has the DC, they will be at her/their house now with her and her DC there. AIBU to be concerned that it's too soon and that they could grow attached to a person and their DC and then not see them again one day. He continuously cheated on me during our marriage and left me for OW (then begged to come back, but that's a whole other story).

For context, I have been with my fiancé for three years, we've all (me, DC and him) lived together for two years and we're getting married next month. So whilst they do live with myself and my partner, we've been together for years, are getting married soon and he's the only person I've been in a relationship since their dad. He treats them like his own and they love him very much.

I understand your concerns but there’s nothing you can do about it- it’s his business what he does with them on his time unless there is a very real safeguarding issue and this doesn’t count as one. I hope for their sake their dad doesn’t mess them about this time and that it all works out.

Sadly what @LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa says is correct. You can only support your kids and deal with the (inevitable) fallout. I’m sorry he’s such a shit!

So do I @LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa

It’s obviously way too soon to be introducing someone to your kids and moving in with them. But, there’s really nothing you can do about it, as hard as that is.

I hope it works out for the kids’ sake.

You don't say anything about it - not to the ex, nor to the kids and not even to someone else when you think the kids are distracted and/or not listening. The kids won't feel they can talk to you about their own worries if they have heard you cast too many aspersions about their other home with their dad.

Instead, you just keep reminding the kids that their mummy and daddy love them so much and they are so lucky to be loved by so many people. That you will always be there for them and they can always talk to you about anything.

If the relationship goes heave-ho, you can talk to the kids about how some people will come and go and saying hello and goodbye to people throughout life is normal... but mummy and daddy will always love them and always be there for them. And on and on... It just enables you to keep the message consistent.

My husband has children from a previous marriage and their mum has also had various chaps, all of whom have moved in and out. One of them was a particular rotter, with a criminal record and a string of kids from various other relationships. We'll call him Scumbag.

The kids were obviously upset about Scumbag moving in and were looking for assurances from their other parent. My husband told the kids flat-out that they needn't worry too much about Scumbag, because he wouldn't be around long etc. It was a massive error in judgement and the kids then didn't feel like they could talk to their dad about it when Scumbag was knocking their mum about in front of their eyes. We could have helped and we could have supported the children better in the aftermath.

This is obviously an extreme example, but still useful in demonstrating how adults can inadvertently not be truly child-focused, when they think they are being child-focused; usually because we know what is best for our children and we just want to help and guide them.