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Can someone please explain? Anyone who can understand the reason why? Re: Mediation

11 replies

mediation · 11/06/2024 09:05

My ex and I separated a year ago. We are still living together but our house has sold.

We have one child.

I wanted to take everything through the solicitors regarding the divorce because I applied for divorce immediately. My ex went berserk about this and said There would be no solicitors involved.

My ex insisted that we have Mediation and would not stop going on about it.

We have had three mediation sessions. The last one was absolutely terrible where my ex was making demands of wanting maintenance for the next three years. Despite the fact that we are sharing childcare, 50-50 and I have already offered to pay the full nursery fees and any other costs for our child.

we both earn the same wage.

My ex chose the mediator and it seemed at first that the mediator was trying to get me to make these maintenance payments which I said I wouldn't.

We are due to have our final mediation my ex cancelled it

I have my ex told me that we can compose an email together of what it is that we want to send it to the mediator and the mediator will write it up and send it to the George. My ex is miraculously given up on the idea of me, paying maintenance And have said they're happy for me to just pay the nursery fees.

I phone the mediator because I was highly suspicious of this and she said this is not true at all. She said she had a conversation with my ex where she explicitly told my ex that she cannot write up any paperwork unless we go for our final session. The mediator told me if we don't do this we will need to go fully through our solicitors otherwise it will be left open that my ex can claim more money at a later date.

I told my ex I want us to have our final mediation session, but my ex has gone mad saying the mediator is a con artist And there is no way we are going back at all to the mediator unless I fully pay for the Mediation session.

My ex said we are now to complete the paperwork ourselves and do it that way. I don't trust this one bit. Can anyone make sense of this and the reason why they cancelled the last session?

OP posts:
lamptabletv · 11/06/2024 09:26

None of this sounds fair.

Go to family court - mediation is not working for you.

Why, when 50:50 would all the child related expenses fall to you? Surely you pay for childcare on your days and he on his? He would have clothes/uniform at his and you at yours? etc....

Is your name on the child benefit?

Take a step back and have a proper think, why does he get to say no solicitors? why does he get to say do your own paperwork? what do you want and think is fair - really fair - not just what you will agree to that he wants to make it go away?

You are so close to it all. Even if you speak with a solicitor just to see where you stand to have unemotional advice it could be helpful.

Take care, it will be over soon x

FartSock5000 · 11/06/2024 10:21

@mediation stop taking legal advice from your ex who is only out to serve himself.

Do NOT offer to pay nursery fees. Do not engage anymore.

Let the solicitors handle this now. He is refusing mediation - you cannot force him.

You pay costs for your share of childcare time and he covers his time.

Don't give an inch because he's taking a mile and still taking you as a mug.

BIWI · 11/06/2024 10:23

Why the assumption that the OP is female?!

Octavia64 · 11/06/2024 10:27

Your ex is lying to you.

Don't believe what he tells you.

Make your own decisions

DexaVooveQhodu · 11/06/2024 10:33

Why on earth should nursery fees be the responsibility of only one ex- when the childcare is generally 50:50 and wages are equal?

The reason your ex wants to not go back to the mediator is because he has realised that the mediator will be genuinely impartial and will not be afraid to state that a proposal is unfair.

Your ex is trying to control the financial settlement and is throwing his toys out of the pram because of not being allowed to.

If you get solicitors involved you will both be poorer. The solicitors fees will be hard to afford. You both get the best settlement by listening to the mediator and agreeing an equitable split which doesn't leave either of you with unequal resources. His idea of sorting it out without either mediator or solicitors is ridiculous but he doesn't realise this yet so you need to communicate very very clearly that the only alternative to completing the mediation process is to instruct solicitors and go through the courts. The DIY option only works if both parties are reasonable and civil and want to be totally fair and he has already demonstrated that this doesn't apply to him.

Shitzngiggles · 11/06/2024 12:26

Why is everyone assuming the ex is male? It's not specified in the op.

Itllfalloff · 11/06/2024 15:53

Going through lawyers is now the only way…

KreedKafer · 11/06/2024 17:00

My ex went berserk about this and said There would be no solicitors involved

It's not up to your ex to decide whether you engage a solicitor, though.

Your ex is refusing mediation because it became obvious they weren't going to get what they wanted out of it. That is their problem, not theirs.

My ex said we are now to complete the paperwork ourselves and do it that way.

Again, why are you allowing your ex to dictate how your divorce is going to be handled? Just tell them that they have two options, one of which is to go to the final mediation session and get the mediator to produce the necessary paperwork, and the other of which is that you'll engage a solicitor. Your ex can't stop from using a solicitor and they can't make you complete the paperwork yourself.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 11/06/2024 17:05

People assume the OP is female because most posters on mumsnet are female. It doesn't matter who is what sex for the purpose of advice. Stop engaging in mediation, engage a solicitor and stop taking legal advice from your ex!

PurpleBugz · 11/06/2024 18:40

Absolutely get a solicitor's advice. My experience is mediation never works unless you both want it to work- if using it to manipulate an ex then someone suffers and mediation would be better.

If there is a possibility of a financial claim in future I'd definitely go via solicitor

Spirallingdownwards · 11/06/2024 18:42

BIWI · 11/06/2024 10:23

Why the assumption that the OP is female?!

Yes I read it as OP is male

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