I know I am but I cracked it!

[marmarmalade]

Unfortunately both of my very elderly parents ( late 80's ) became ill within a month of each other. Both rushed to hospital , 3 weeks apart. They have had to go into a nursing home now as need total care.
Sadly, today they both moved into a nursing home - albeit a very nice one and their rooms are only metres apart ( waiting on a twin room).
While all of this hospital/ nursing home drama has been going on for the last 2 months my elder sibling has insisted that all meetings with staff etc should be family only.
Fine. So I have turned up without my DH and just dealt with things. they are also very secretive and only answer about 1 in 4 of my quesitons regarding our parents, wheras I answer everything.
FOr example I asked 2 days ago what was the name of the financial advisor she was seeing and she has not responded.
Today I turned up ( on my own ) at the nursing home and her DP was answering questions about admission to the nurse. I absolutely cracked it.
Said " you aren't even related to us what are you doing?" . There was some disagreement "what are are you saying" "I'm saying why is he answering for my mother" etc and then they left.
Probably will never talk to me again.
First time I've stood up to her.
But I feel like shite as mum cried. I stayed for 3 hours and made sure mum was happy before I left ( mum has No STM) but just to make sure she was ok. All happy when I went but feel terrible for cracking it in front of my parents. SHould have asked to step outside but I don't think of these things until too late.
Just unloading really and best wishes to anyone else going through dealing with very elderly parents . It is a nightmare.
I think I have posted in the wrong section

I think this should be in elderly parents @MNHQ

I don't have any real advice, only sympathy for what sounds like a very difficult time op ❤️ Remember, stress and emotions will be running high all round. There is a time and a way to deal with difficult family and perhaps it needs doing, but make your own peace your priority always. All the best x

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time, but wouldn’t it have been easier to challenge this with your sibling at the time rather than have a scene with her partner in front of your mother, upsetting her?

(I’m not sure I understand the expression ‘cracking it’ in this context, though — doesn’t it usually imply ‘getting something right’, solving a puzzle etc?)

You did the right thing, don't worry. The staff will have seen it all. Send an email to the manager to clarify that you have an agreement with your sister that you only want the siblings to communicate with the home so that there are no misunderstandings.

Sorry Australian - lost my temper = cracked it.

This is a good idea. Thank you. I thought she had set the rules, I was following them and then there is her DP standing there answering questions like he was their son. If I hadn't walked in when I did I would have been none the wiser, and I still have no idea what he said. This was the admissions form by the nurse so quite important. More worringly, sister is in denial about how bad my parents are and has been for years ,Gosh knows what her FIFO partner said ( he lives with my sister 1 week a month and works 100's kms away for the other 3 weeks of the month). Just hoping that the staff will quickly figure out what is the truth and loo after them both properly. So sad.

Thanks, OP. Had not heard this usage before.

It must be a very stressful situation so don’t worry.

Is there more going on here though? What was the thing about a financial advisor, and who is being secretive and only answering 1 in 4 of your questions?
(I get confused as people on here often use ‘they’ when they mean one person. Just say he or she!!)

I knew what you meant.

Honestly, I would let it settle for six weeks and then make an independent appointment with someone there to ask about settling in, routines etc and, while you are there, ask what is in the records, who has said what etc. They will notice stuff, compare it with what they have been told and may be very glad to talk to the person who know stuff.

Assuming you have power of attorney etc. And don’t tell your sister you are going to do it or have done it. And point out Mr No Relation is on a very poor swing so actually has no idea.

If you have POA and know the bank, go down and get your name on as a signatory. I got onto my dads at Westpac and we just filled in a form so doing it with the POA should be just ticking the right box.

Again, don’t tell DSis if you don’t have to but it will let you see what’s going on.