School mums worse than the kids

[AppelationStation]

Why do grown ups act in such a ridiculous and pathetic way?

DS is in year 3 at the village school. There is a large group of boys in their class who have a bit of a tricky dynamic. Always play together, no particularly steong indovidual friendships, lots of power play and status struggles. Lots of talk of who's mum is fat and who's parents drive the best car and who's dad earns the most money. All a bit sad.

A group of mums that I'm on the periphery of has started talking and they are adamant that there is one in particular child at the root of all this and everyone else is blameless. I do think this one kid has perhaps overheard a few too many of his parents' unpleasant comments about other people. Mostly I think it's an unfortunate dynamic that's spiralled and kids being kids.

DS hasn't been too badly affected. When it comes his way he mostly let's it roll off him. A couple of times in the last year he's got upset, I've spoken to the school, they've had a chat with the group, it gets better. I also know that he's been drawn into saying unkind things once or twice, and when that's happened I've pulled him up on it and messaged the parents to tell them I've spoken to him, I hope their DC is ok, and if anything else happens to let me know. This seems the obvious way to deal with it to me. Am I being naive?

This group of mums have now decided to ostracise the parents of this one child, and the child too. They've had class birthday parties and invited everyone but them, slag the parents off at every opportunity, in front of their kids, it's their favourite thing to talk about. And at the same time they get annoyed with school for not "fixing" the problem - one which they are now helping to create!

I'm just agog that they're so juvenile and mean about another 7/8 Yr old. What do they think their actions are going to achieve? I find it really depressing.

I don't want to be involved in all this. I've stepped away from that clique a bit, and purposefully speak to other mums/parents, even the one they all dislike. Now I'm worried if I'm not on their 'side' me, or worse DS, are going to get the same treatment. These are professional women in their 30s and 40s FFS.

Is this just how it is? Is our school particularly bad? We're not from the area so I tried to make friends mostly for DSs sake. Now I wish I'd kept myself to myself.

We’ve had similar at my kids school in one of the years. It’s been a nightmare to deal with.

However talking to other parents this is not the norm. Not had any issues in my other kids class.

It's bloody awful isn't it? And a total waste of energy. Poor kids don't stand a chance.

I feel like I'm back in high school (not my happy place!).🙄

The good news is that as the kids get to year 5 and then 6 they want to decide for themselves who they are friends with and the parents get less of a say/ power over it.

They sound awful tbh. But I know this can happen across the board. Keep well out of it like you're trying to do.

Mob rule 🙄 they lose their power at secondary thankfully as kids pick their own mates

I was quite looking forward to having school friends over, walking home together, popping in for chats with parents on the way home etc. It's a bloody minefield. If I invite one and not another for tea after school they get all shirty.

Seems really extreme, but sounds like they’re all projecting. Probably having the kids recite all their (perceived) failings and flaws as parents and providers to each other has touched a nerve. I think stay breezy and polite with them, don’t give them a reason to be arsey but also you’re right to step back. It’s only a few weeks until summer then as people say they have a big break from each other and maybe will cool down and as the kids get older parents won’t have much input in meddling! Maybe over summer your son can do some clubs and encourage some other friends outside of school.

Good luck!

Sounds like the yr 3 class where I work. The kids fall out, staff help to sort it out, kids are happy. They go home and tell parents what’s happened and the parents start it up all over again. Demanding action by the school, consequences for a particular child when their child has been just as bad. We have at least 1 complaint a day. Parents have now ostracised a particular parent and told their children not to play with the child. It’s bullying by the parents but there is nothing we can do about them, we can’t force the children to play together either. It’s a campaign basically to get the child to leave the school and sadly it will most probably work. They will then turn their attention to someone else.

There’s definitely some parents who need to get a life.
I had an issue with a mum who was basically trying to manage all her DDs friendships. I think she was trying to make her popular or something. Trying to control who played with who. DD and her were friends but she didn’t like me so kept her away.
Guess what, she got to secondary and struggled to make friends, because mum wasn’t managing it all for it.
They need to learn how to do this on their own.

I’d remove my child from a school where his ‘friendship group’ at year 3 involved regular boasting about parental cars, earnings etc and teasing about mothers’ weight! I don’t think that’s remotely normal or acceptable.

In DS’s primary, boys are in the minority in the class (it must be eight out of 25), and get on well — and the sole issue is with one of the boys. In my more charitable moments, I feel sorry for him, as his mother is quite clearly disturbed, aggressive and manipulative (to the point where she’s been banned from helping out at school events and from school premises because of her harassment of teachers and other parents), and if he’s not in jail by the time he’s 20, I’ll be amazed, but ultimately, my duty of care extends only to my own child, who has been his victim. I’m certainly not going to forbid him from acknowledging just what a negative presence this child has been since he joined the school. Or other parents.

I would be worried about where and why these children are learning to value body size and financial status and would be coming down hard on any whisper of it from my child. If it was all coming from one child I would be advising my child to stay away from them.

This is not at all normal. I have 2 DS, one at secondary and one in year 3. I wfm so have generally always done pick ups (clarifying this people don't think I don't see it because I'm not there).

Maybe it's where you live but I couldn't in a million years imagine my DS class mocking someone because their mum is fat or they have a rubbish car.

We had similar. Never an issue in London but when we relocated to the country I found it a big problem. Thankfully my daughter is at secondary school now so don't have to deal with juvenile parents. These children are obviously parroting what the mums are saying at home. Pretty sad really that this is all they can talk about.