What to say to child

[the7Vabo]

My DS(6) had his first sports day today. He is in class of 26, I think over half of them got medals and of course some kids got more than one.

DS is upset. He told my husband when we got home that he didn’t get a medal and came last (he didn’t quite come last but he was in the last few).

DS doesn’t have a lot of drive or focus and I think he could have pushed himself a lot more physically (and in general). I think it’s still very unlikely he would have done a lot better but he could feel that he tried his best.

I feel like this is an opportunity for a life lesson. Firstly that you don’t win all the time, that’s life. However, I’d like if he tried a bit harder in general. I really don’t want to be a tiger parent but I want go teach him that it’s important to work hard. I want to develop healthy habits and self discipline to equip him for life so that he’s able to adult in the future - do his work, pay his bills on time etc.

The problem is even if he’d run harder he still wouldn’t have placed. So I think he might interpret what I’m saying as if he’s tried harder he’d win. I also don’t want to destroy his confidence. What I’m trying to get across is that it’s important to try even if you don’t win, that it’s a good value/personal attribute.

My DS isn’t great at sport and may never win anything. I’m fine with this, I never won anything in sport myself, but I expect he might struggle with it as I did when I was a child.

I have struggled with anxiety and other MH issues partly caused by my own inability to adult at times. I really don’t want my kids to be the same. Id love if they grow up to be more resilient than I am and better able to cope with life. I’m not sure how to achieve that but I want to try!

Tell him you are very proud. Remind him about the things he does well in. Maybe writing,maths, art anything and explain nobody is the best at EVERYTHING. Everyone has their own talent, so focus on that.

This. I don't think telling him to try harder at running is the way to go here

I can see you are doing your best and that is obvious. But kindly, he is 6, his talents are not fully developed amongst other things. You cant possibly know his sports ability at age six. All you tell him is, winning isn't everything. Well done for trying and you get on with the day. The concepts you are trying to explain to him are way above his ability at the moment. Stick to constructive praise and move on quickly.

I hope this isn't coming across too harsh as you seem really conscientious and kind so keep going as you are, don't be worrying about this yet.

Tell him only 1 person can win.

25 others didn't.

So he's more like all those who didn't win.

Then add it's ok to win and on to want to win. You can try hard for that.

Totally agree with this. Trying hard is important, but not everybody has the same skill set and so not everybody is going to succeed at the same things. Maybe his “thing” isn’t sports, maybe it’s maths, reading, drawing, music… my mum always used to tell me and my sister that if a lion, a horse and a fish all were made to do a 100m sprint, the fish would never win, but that doesn’t mean the fish is useless or rubbish, it just means it was the wrong race for them. If a lion, a horse and a fish were all made to do a 100m swim instead, the fish would win. It’s just about finding YOUR “race”. And I’ll be telling my daughter exactly that :)

Just be tactfully truthful. "Never mind sweetheart, some people are good at sports, you are good at drawing/maths/whatever. Everyone is different".

If practical, you could suggest joining a club or something to improve his sporting skills if he is that bothered. But it's not an issue unless you make it into one.

Tell him that you are proud that he did his best and tried really hard, that you love coming to see him at school and getting to cheer him on whether he wins or not. Talk up all the stuff he's good at, and tell him that no one can be the best at everything.

I liked my kids first school sport days: throw a wellie over your shoulder type things which didn't rely on natural sporting talent. Every one then had a chance at winning. It was fun - they all laughed and had a blast. When they were older they had a variety of activities they could choose - shot put, javelin, distance jumping, relay races, 100, 200, 1000m races etc. So there was some chance even for the non runners. Anyone who came in last got a huge cheer too. Plus they had 'houses' so you could at least take pride in your house doing well even if you didn't as an individual.

Thanks so much for all the replies.

Im probably too upset that he’s upset. Hence overthinking it.

Id love if he had gotten a medal in anything that he could show his grandparents because that would make him so happy!

Great advice here, I just wanted to add that throughout primary and most of secondary my ds was really bad at sports and especially sports day, he’d stay back with the slowest kid helping them or get distracted.

Then at secondary school he did the bleep running test and beat every other kid. He’s now 20 and a proper gym goer, super strong and fit and super fast runner so I’m basically saying they may grow into their body and be good at sports at some point and of course, if they don’t it doesn’t matter 😬

He's 6. Tell him its participation that matters, not winning. Even if he may never excel at running, there are numerous other sports he can potentially do. But then again he's only 6.

Thar sort of attitude will show though. He'll sense you're disappointed

Im not disappointed in him to be clear. I just love when he’s happy and that kind of thing makes him so happy!

How nice! Thanks for sharing this. I’ll be sure to steal this gem.

Many of us do this so don't be hard on yourself - but it sounds like you're projecting onto him a little. Also, you're internalising all his upset oveonve r it.
I really hate sports day tbh. It sets kids up to feel shit if they aren't good at running.

I think you should not say what you were thinking. Instead, see it for what it is. Tell him you think he did great. Explain that sports day is all about running which might not be his thing. Once he gets to secondary school there will be loads more sorts he can get interested in and excel at - if he wants to. Either way he has amazing strengths ( spell them out to him). Running might not be it. Who blimmin cares.

Some people are just not good runners. Leave the poor lad. I wish so much someone had said all the above to me about running and sports day when I was at school. They place too much emphasis on it

the best you can do for him is tell him the absolute truth. he can't be good at everything and needs to accept this - you need to teach him this.

don't tell him any sugar-coated version or he'll be this way for ever, it will shoot him head first into a victim mentality.

Some children aren't great at sport but being fit and active usually helps a lot. Do you think your DS is active enough or is this something that could be worked on? I wouldn't say anything about trying harder to him, as I think it's unnecessary and discouraging, but I'd start taking him to park run or other activities like that if you think it would be helpful for him to learn to push himself a bit more. Another thing you can do is take him on family walks with really big hills - there is a great sense of achievement for children in getting to the top of a very big hill! My DS is always extremely pleased when he manages this and it builds stamina and endurance skills.

Resilience has a genetic factor so if you find it difficult he might too - so really important to help him cope with small upsets like this. Just encourage him to do his best beforehand and tell him you're proud of him afterwards. If he's upset just tell him you're really proud of him, be really upbeat and then distract him by doing something fun with him.

Are you ND OP? Just wondering as you say you struggle with adulting, have MH issues including anxiety and lack resilience.

Hang on he's 6.

It's far too early to tell him 'he's not good at sports'.

He didn't win today. He's upset. So far, so normal. Disappointment is a hard feeling. It is also, like all feelings, temporary. It will pass.

So you give him a hug, name his feelings (or see if he can identify them himself) and agree that he feels that way at the moment, and that it's tough to feel that way.

Then you move on.

Make no assumptions about what he is good and not good at - we tend to be good at the things we do a lot of and enjoy.

It's altogether possible that he might find a sport that he likes and that he expends energy getting better at.

Growth mindset - if you want to develop a skill, you can do so - not fixed mindset 'I'm good/no good'

Some great advice, thank you.

As someone said I am projecting. But I have struggled a lot in life and I don’t want that for my kids.

Even at my middle age I find day-to-day life very difficult particularly work. I’m disorganised, emotional and most of all struggle with motivation.

It wouldn’t be fair or reasonable to dump all that on my DS. But there are times when I see similar behaviour in him and worry.

My younger DD on the other hand is quite different. Even at her young age she is very good at focusing on a task.

I’ve never been diagnosed ND more just anxiety.

" I have struggled with anxiety and other MH issues partly caused by my own inability to adult at times."

"Even at my middle age I find day-to-day life very difficult particularly work. I’m disorganised, emotional and most of all struggle with motivation. "

Have you considered whether you have ADHD OP? What you've said above is very typical? Ie feeling like you can't adult/are just crap at normal everyday life that others seem to find easy; being disorganised; lacking motivation; emotional dysregulation. Having ADHD can cause anxiety as you often feel overwhelmed and like you can't cope, and it affects your self esteem as you are often told how useless you are throughout your life, plus not being able to cope with everyday things doesn't make a person feel very capable and self assured!

And if you are seeing similar traits in your DS that could be partly what's going on for him in terms of the lack of focus you are worried about? ADHD is highly heritable.

Maybe not, but just wanted to flag it in case it's something you've not considered.

This is the webpage that made me realise I likely had ADHD:

www.clinical-partners.co.uk/insights-and-news/item/adhd-in-women-why-is-it-so-undiagnosed

I understand where you're coming from op, but if he isn't going to get a medal even if he tries harder (and is going to be upset about it) maybe it would be better to direct him to try in another activity he is more suited to? Or if there's is none, encourage him to do it for fun and not for a prize? I worry he might internalize that what's the point in trying if the result isn't any better?

I think self sufficiency can come from doing tasks for oneself at home too, - ie, laundry, helping with baking, etc.