Covert Narcissist how did you deal with yours?

[Meetingofminds]

After 43yrs of not understanding how my mother can be simultaneously helpless and manipulative at the same time, being led to believe I was selfish and awful for wanting an independent free life. I have just had months of cancer tests and now need significant orthopaedic surgery (thankfully it was okay on the cancer front) my mother didn’t call me once, not once. When I asked her why - she said it was ‘stressful for her’. It has upset me so much. What kind of mother does that?

I have had a life time of the world revolving around my mother, and her complete neglect of us as a result.

How on earth do I manage a relationship of any kind, with someone like this?
I have no idea what to do. I’m tired of her gas lighting, lying, self absorption and victimhood, but she is my mother…I’m trying to be measured about this, but she loves nothing more than to indulge in the poor me narrative and I can’t take much more of it.
Especially as I am facing a really perilous road back to good health and she is making my life even harder. If I try to keep my distance she calls me cruel and ralllies other family members to say I am being neglectful of her! If I say I am not up to it for health reasons, I get a long list of everything that is wrong with her and I should be supporting her. She makes boundaries impossible because she plays the victim constantly.

I think emotionally unattach first. No expectations for her to meet any of your needs, assume and brace for dreadful comments/tactics. Try and laugh to yourself and roll your eyes rather that have it get to you. She can't help all the nonsense she's going to spout and games she's going to play, they are so entrenched at this point she has no other way of viewing things. So then, completely separate to all of that try to decide what role you can/want to take in her life to support her (not her in yours) without rising to any of the nonsense. For instance, shopping for her every week, phone call to see how she is each Monday. Then it becomes a duty you can fulfil rather than a relationship that lets you down.

"How on earth do I manage a relationship of any kind, with someone like this?"

You don't.

She won't change and will further ruin you, you know that.

You distant yourself, put yourself first, focus on your mental & physical health and your recovery.
Perhaps reach out to a therapist to help you with any feelings you have.

That’s really good advice. I’d add that deciding what level of support you give her should be based on what you have the capacity to give, not what she has the capacity to take. But yes, moving on from any expectation of positive support from her is important, otherwise you just keep getting hurt when it doesn’t happen.