How can I stop being so unlikable- please help me

[AssessMe]

ive got to make a change and I need some objective and probably hard to hear words.
in school i was an in betweener but happy.
in my adult life people tend to not like me.
college/uni all good but in work I’ve been ostracised in three work places in the past - not currently as I do not get involved in work friendships because of how things have gone previously.
I’ve also fell out of favour my neighbours and a cliche of schools mums no particular reason just I wasn’t included or invited to nights out, street parties etc still friendly with everyone but not really friends with them.
it’s happening again with my sons football team he’s been there 3 years but in the last year with new kids joining I’m on the outside again mums I once stood with are with other people and I’m on my own.

really don’t know what I’m doing wrong I’m friendly, nice to people, kind. I just don’t want to be the outsider anymore how can I fit in- what am I doing to make people not like me?

Do you have friends outside these places?

Do you have a close friend or family member you could ask?
It’s difficult to suggest why from a single post. Has anyone ever given you a reason? What do you think are the reasons?

Are you disliked or do you just appear to prefer to not want to be in a group?

I often feel on the outside. I see the groups chatting, going out together. I asked someone ages ago if I'm not liked, they said I look confident and not wanting to be a group because I've got other friends and lots going on in my life. They were surprised I felt lonely and I was surprised at how I come across.
I've accepted I am happy in my own company but I make an effort to be more involved.

Are there any roles at football you can help with e.g. refreshments for parents etc...sometime doing practical stuff helps feel more comfy in the situations.

you have to bite the bullet and ask some people who know you.

I did this years ago and having been working on the feedback ever since. I now have quite a few friends. I still have my less likeable traits but I try and suppress them and when I haven’t I am quick to apologise.

it’s tough op. I am sure you are a lovely person but our social performance counts for a lot and people judge us on it.

good luck

If you know some of the mums I would just go and stand with one even if they're with other people, try and join in with the chit chat but don't take over the conversation. You could even say something like "is it ok if I stand with you?" I can't imagine many people would say no or be rude enough to walk away from you.

I think I have the same issue. Though I know what my problem is. I don't like to open up to people until I really get to know them. I also dont like to bitch or gossip much. So I'm happy to do small chat for a while until I really click with someone. In that time though, I find people form cliques and then it's too late.

I'm happy enough with this though as I have a handful of good, similar friends. The one time I made a big effort to 'put myself out there' and get involved in organisation of a club, it went badly wrong (though it wasn't really my fault - I've accepted that as a green light to not get involved again 😂 )

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. How old are your dc? Sometimes it takes time to find your place and your people.

Possibly giving too much of your real self and finding it didn't fit the norms of the group. Ime the only way to stay in with large situationally formed groups where you're thrown together and didn't put pick each other from choice, unless you're very lucky and accidentally find your people, is to be as neutral as possible. Keep things superficial and don't venture controversial opinions or disagree strongly with those of others. Observe and learn the social norms within the group, and basically be who you need to be to fit in. Tbh though, it's a lot of hard work and self suppression so you need to decide if its worth it.

Are you quite opinionated? What are you like in conversations, do you contribute much? Maybe too much? Are you quiet, loud? So hard for us to be able to comment without examples really.

Your post reads like you have some empty slots marked "friends" and are trying to fill them with a random existing social group in your orbit to tick the "I have friends" box.

I think it needs to be the other way round - get to know people as individuals, put the most effort into the people you click with or feel most interest in, and they will become your circle.

Do you think you're maybe neurodivergent in some way? Do you talk over people? Or are you very shy and don't really know how to do small talk?

What makes you think you are unlikable op?

I think you definitely need to ask people close to you. But also, what is your resting face like? I can appear grumpy when I'm not!

Thanks this is useful and good for me to reflect on it all.
I’ve got friends not loads but good ones- my very closest friend from school, another good friend from college and two I’ve known for 12 years or so.
then I’ve got another 5 coffee friends I meet every so often with.
friends from uni I stay in touch with but don’t live near each other now.
im not very opinionated openly my dh does tell me often I cannot hide my emotions on my face so whether that’s a factor maybe - I’d be a Terrible poker player!
generally try to be nice and kind and ask people questions don’t just go on about myself.
i am very overweight at the minute and I do wonder if that impacts on how people perceive me I know it shouldn’t matter but I think people were generally friendlier when I was slimmer and more up to date with fashion trends.

I suspect I might have adhd high achieving high masking I tick all the boxes. weirdly I’m great with some talk and meeting new people it’s the bit where the small talk progresses and becoming friends with people that I suck at 🙈

I kinda know how you feel. I wouldn’t say I’m regularly ostracised as such, but people never seem to think to include me and I am never centre of any friend groups.

I am sure I can be annoying in my own ways, but I’m also quite easy going. I’m not brilliant at small talk and social interactions, I’m not loud and bubbly and happy to make a fool of myself so I guess people find me more boring and not noticeable if that makes sense. Not sure there’s much I can do about it! I do heave friends that I see, but I also see situations where I’m not as close to people as I think I should or could have been.

Yes that it I suppose- the other football mums have become closer why haven’t I, same with school mums etc I’m the odd one out

Well you have longstanding friends so why do you think it’s you?

It sounds to me like you have very low self esteem op. I would forger about whether random people like you or not, and start working on liking yourself.