To think this is cruel?

[MassiveMugOfTea]

Our DS is a climber. He has SEN and extra support at school. He is always trying to climb things, jump off things. He's 5.

He often climbs on random things at home, radiators, tables. I of course tell him no, explain to him its dangerous, and I take him to park and soft play regularly to try and help him climb safely.

My DH has taken to saying when DS clambers on stuff "if you climb on that, pur house will fall down and we will move to a small dark house with no toys". Or "we will have no house at all"

DS takes this v seriously and often asks if "one day we will need to move to the small house" and "please can we stay in our home forever". He takes things literally always.

I have explained to him daddy just doesn't want the house to break, but H keeps repeating the threat and I can tell it worries DS. H argues "its good if he believes it"

AIBU to think this is cruel? H thinks I'm being really OTT and sometimes I feel H makes me doubt my own perspective so much

Any thoughts?

Telling children ridiculous lies that make them feel anxious in an effort to get them to behave is stupid. I also feel this when I hear parents threatening their children with the police when they muck about. As in “the police will come and arrest you if you do that again.” Sort of thing. No, they won’t.

Yeah, I guess that's why H thinks I'm being OTT - it's pretty common to say ridiculous things to kids right? But DS really believes it and clearly spends time worrying about it as asks me, and that just seems pretty shit to me - that our 5 year old is worrying about the house falling down.

And anyway he still climbs stuff - because its impulsive.

My DS is also 5, autistic and a climber. It's exhausting.

I think it's bordering on cruel, no child should be worrying about leaving their home or it collapsing. Have you explained to your DH that he takes it quite literally and it's causing anxiety? Or have you sat down with DS and explained that the house won't really collapse?

With my DS, we've taken the approach of lifting him down from whatever he's climbing on and just telling him "don't do that" using a variation of "you'll break it" or "you'll hurt yourself". We gave up trying to get him to stop completely. I'm debating getting him one of those climbing frames for the garden so he has a safe space to climb at home

Your DH is setting himself up for trouble saying things like this because at some point your ds will twig on that it’s all idle threats.

My mil does a similar thing, if my dd (3) has a meltdown about something, or starts being unreasonable, mil will often jump in and say, “that’s it, I’m going home if you won’t behave” and then pretend to leave, it’s very hit and Miss in its effectiveness and I bloody hate it, it makes me cringe every time, But she often says it before I realise what she’s thinking, I think she thinks she’s helping me.

i personally see it as a form of emotional manipulation which doesn’t address whatever the actual issue was in the first place & I’m not comfortable with it at all, I don’t lie to dd in that way as I want her to always trust me.

No that's terrible to be telling him that and it doesn't teach the real reason as to why you don't want him climbing on things so he doesn't learn. Mental cruelty, tell husband to knock it off.

it's pretty common to say ridiculous things to kids right?

Hmm, not really. Why say something like this when it’s making DC worried and it’s very easy to explain the real reasons? Just making things up for the sake of it. It’s miserable for little
kids who take it literally and then when they are big enough to know it’s not true, you undermine yourself. Why can’t he just give a proper reason, it’s not exactly a hard concept. Just talk to your DC like a human being.

You occasionally hear parents telling their kids stupid lies like “if you do that, a policeman will come and put you in prison”. So stupid and cruel and the sign of really shit parenting IMO. I wouldn’t describe it as common, thankfully.