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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this childhood S Abuse ?

19 replies

AmberHiker · 09/06/2024 21:36

I’m a survivor of an extremely abusive childhood in a snap shot - neglect, not able to be in school, having to take care of siblings while a child, beaten to the extent of black eyes and broken teeth before the age of 13, a father who Dv my mother and then emotionally abused and left me even when I wrote a begging letter for help and posted it during the night out of desperation to somehow be saved was ignored but whenever I’ve spoken to people ( friends and health care people ) I will always say no to sexual abuse but it’s dawned on me that maybe this is classed as sexual abuse….

my mother was a prostitute and would sleep with men in the family home often that I would hear what was happening and briefly see them come into the house ( I must have been about 9/10) she would say they were repair men. I had a flash back a couple years ago to a suppressed memory of going into the local corner shop with her and her and the owner disappearing to the stock area at the back and me being curious looked that way and whatever I saw I now know she was engaging in sexual activity while I was stood waiting at the counter I think I was again around 9/10

she encouraged both me and my sister to also go on the game . At 12 I would answer phones to men giving out her details and her prices for sex acts would also let them in the flats she rented out to work from.

im ashamed to say at age 17/19 on a couple of occasions I joined her in these rooms as a two girl price where I commited oral sex on these men while she was present. When I write this down I feel sick so so so sick I’m also amazed at what I’ve been able to forget about / block/ see as no big deal.

this is also sexual abuse isn’t it ?

OP posts:
longdistanceclaraclara · 09/06/2024 21:37

Yes it is. I'm so sorry you went through this.

ThatshallotBaby · 09/06/2024 21:40

I am so sorry about what happened to you. None of it was your fault in any way. I really hope that you are in a better place and have found a way to love yourself and the vulnerable little girl you were. So sorry @AmberHiker and I wish you all the good things Flowers

annaspanner18 · 09/06/2024 21:42

Yes it is. That exposure to so much overt sexual activity during your formative years and your mum then involving you at 17 is horrific.

I'm so sorry OP. Please do whatever you can to work through this and be kind to yourself x

Mischance · 09/06/2024 21:43

It is. Can you access some counselling?
I am sorry that your childhood was marred by all this.

Basicallyluls · 09/06/2024 21:43

I'm so sad to read this op... You must know None of this is your fault and I hope you are now a strong, independent woman. We don't choose our parents, we are not our parents. Look forward not back. You have choice and control of your future. I hope you have all the love and happiness you deserve. ❤️

Ponoka7 · 09/06/2024 21:44

Yes it's sexual abuse. You've nothing to feel ashamed about, you were a severely abused child, in every way. You are doing pretty good, all things considered.

Damnloginpopup · 09/06/2024 21:47

Yes it's is

The shame is not yours. It is not on you.

Janedoe82 · 09/06/2024 21:49

Yes it is sexual abuse. I am so sorry.

AngelQuartz · 09/06/2024 21:55

You’re so brave for posting this @AmberHiker ❤️

It’s 100% sexual abuse. Don’t ever minimise your experiences.

SweetGingerTea · 09/06/2024 22:02

Basicallyluls · 09/06/2024 21:43

I'm so sad to read this op... You must know None of this is your fault and I hope you are now a strong, independent woman. We don't choose our parents, we are not our parents. Look forward not back. You have choice and control of your future. I hope you have all the love and happiness you deserve. ❤️

This x100. I feel angry reading your post that your mother did this to you, and it is SA. Pls seek counselling via GP or a local service. Try The Survivors trust or NAPAC

My heart is with you. I'm sorry for what you experienced, and I'm angry this wasn't picked up by school, family or friends who could have intervened much sooner.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/06/2024 22:04

You were definitely abused. I'm so sorry for what you endured.

AmberHiker · 09/06/2024 22:13

Thank you to the poster who said it’s not me who should feel ashamed but typing out that I took part on a couple of occasions in my later childhood years makes me feel sick. I think it’s trauma related the way i disassociate when talking about these events. I do feel let down in some ways from the schools who ever checked where I was, to the dentist who excepted a tennis ball has broke my front teeth and I was there without a parent at 12, to family memebers who witnessed the abuse and didn’t do the right thing , so so so many times I torment myself with you should have walked into a police station you should have run away you should have done this or that . Sometimes I’m afraid of what else might come back like the random memory of peeking through the door of the family home and seeing yet another man walking in and the penny dropping I can’t believe I blocked that.

I have never had proper help in ways of therapy. I had a coping anxiety breakdown at 26 and my gp put a letter through for 10 sessions of counselling but that was over a decade ago and they never took place.

the memories of men asking me prices of sexual acts on the phone and me not knowing what they meant and having to ask her in order to give the price. She would also leave me with other working women to do the door and phones for them at age 12-14.

OP posts:
40andlovelife · 09/06/2024 22:25

Bless you. You are way much stronger than you actually know aren't you. To go through that and have survived it, wow. You can do bloody anything! Your strength is admirable.

Are you still in contact with her? If so can you have an open discussion with her about it ?

AmberHiker · 09/06/2024 22:29

40andlovelife · 09/06/2024 22:25

Bless you. You are way much stronger than you actually know aren't you. To go through that and have survived it, wow. You can do bloody anything! Your strength is admirable.

Are you still in contact with her? If so can you have an open discussion with her about it ?

Thankfully she died around 10 years ago.

OP posts:
Whothefuckdoesthat · 09/06/2024 22:42

You were a child. It doesn’t matter what you thought you could or should have done from the perspective of the adult you are now. You were a child and you didn’t have those tools then. 💐

Have a look at NAPAC (National Association of People Abused in Childhood). You don’t have to talk to them if you’re not ready; but they have all sorts of guidance on their website. And they don’t just deal with sexual abuse; it’s abuse of all sorts, so you don’t have to gather up the strength to deal with one sort of abuse with them, and another sort with someone else.

Beautifulbythebay · 09/06/2024 22:47

Your childhood gave you a skewed idea of sex..that isn't your fault. . My dm always had men round. I found a series of Polaroid pics once.. She raised me to be a man hater. I have had 3 failed marriages because I have skewed ideas about men /sex /love.
So sorry things have been like this for you op.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong..

WigglyVonWaggly · 09/06/2024 23:21

None of it was your fault. None of it. Not the things that occurred when you were 17 or so, either. You’d benefit from speaking to a therapist because it’s a lot to try to process alone. I’m really sorry to hear what you’ve had to go through - you’re very very courageous and strong to be able to type it down here and begin to speak about it.

Beforeyougogo · 09/06/2024 23:32

No contact child sexual abuse, not your fault and not your shame to carry. I'm so sorry you were born into that, I completely understand your anger around family ignoring the situation at the time.. It's why I don't talk to my family.
NHS waiting lists for therapy can be long but I'd suggest trying it. In the meantime the people at Rape Crisis UK are amazing, you get two 45 minute phone calls per week. They've helped me a lot over the years and it was through them that I first acknowledged what no contact sex abuse was, the fact your mum also went on to groom you into being physically abused is so sad, you were a child, it's really not your shame to carry 💐

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