Family invites have stopped

[Neverinvited24]

My family is as follows:

Mum and Dad
Sister, her husband and her 3 children.
Me, my husband and our 4 children. DS1 is 22 years old and has left home.

Not overly close to sister but we text every few days and there's no issues.

We 'broke' family tradition by going away for the last 2 Christmases. We've traditionally all got together for special days, birthdays, Easter etc. Usually hosted by my mum or by me and always invited EVERYONE. Since we went away at Christmad, my sister has had our parents at hers for Christmas.

This year, my parents and my sister's family have got together for Mother's day, Easter, my Mum's birthday and now Father's day. They have not invited us. The only time I've known about it is when I've asked my mum if we are all getting together.

This evening I've told my mum I'm really hurt at the lack of invites. I have ALWAYS invited the whole family to events. Apparently it's because I've shown that I like doing my own thing by going away at Christmas. My mum has also said that it is whoever invites them round first.

I simply do not understand it. So is there a race to be the best daughter and invite them first? I haven't even thought about father's day until today. And when I did, I text to invite the WHOLE family round.
On Easter Sunday, we weren't invited but our eldest son was (and he went!!). Only found out by chance.

I'm so so hurt. There's still no issues with my sister and I. I do not understand it. I feel mum is likely pitting us against each other but I'm not willing to play that game. My mother definitely has narcissist traits and childhood wasn't great (sister and I were both anorexic).

Despite my hurt and telling mum I'm hurt, we still have not been invited for Father's day. She will literally NOT acknowledge that I am hurt or show any understanding of it.

AIBU that in a small family that have traditionally got together for events, that you would just invite everyone?

You need to speak with your sister face to face, find out for sure if your Mum is playing you off against each other.

Do you need an invite? You sound fairly close so why not invite them
round one time or even ask to be invited. This is your family, not a friendship group.

Unless there’s a more complex family dynamic at play I’d talk to your sister as you’re in regular contact

yanbu btw

Speak to your sister about it if there’s no issues with her. But obviously a week before Father’s Day it’s not surprising they’ve made plans. However I’d be upset at no invites too

Definitely speak to your sister. Ask her if your Mum has said anything to her and explain how hurt you are. Maybe you and your sister could do something together next Christmas/ Easter?

You need to go straight to your sister and cut out middle man (parents).

If you’re both on the same page your mum can’t play no games.

I did ask my sister after Easter and she apologised and said she thought I was away..... and did the 'what have I done wrong now?!' thing to make me look hysterical when I mentioned I was upset

We used to be allies in understanding how our upbringing impacted us.

You broke tradition first so they've come up with their own?
People can be funny about these things especially Christmas, my family would 100% see it as a slight for us to suddenly change plans two years in a row and stop including us as they would assume we wouldn't be bothered. Other families wouldn't care.

I’m not sure I would see it as a competition, I think since your broke tradition then the rest of the family has just gone on with their life as normal.
Your parents have agreed because they have been invited, it’s not their place to then invite you, your sister needs to invite you.
Why not create a family chat with just the adults and then start making celebration/ holiday plans on thag together, that way everyone is invited at the same time.

Since your feeling left out then why not speak to your sister and suggest a whole family get together for Father’s Day and arrange it at your house.

This!

You chose to go away for Christmas which sounds like they were upset, so they've chosen to move forward without you.

I can see it's hurtful for you but think you started it really. Plus the week before Father's Day seems very short notice to organise anything.

I agree with @LunaMay and @Arconialiving

Also, can you tell us how many times you've invited everyone to you in the last 18months (and I mean, in advance, not a week before what you perceive to be a special occasion) ?

OP, your mother sounds toxic and is choosing to punish you.
You had a difficult childhood and have the scars to prove it.
It reads as if you have a bit of FOG going on Fear, obligation and guilt.
I think you should step back and try and seek therapy to help you untangle your emotions.
Ultimately this could be a very good thing.

I can understand why you’re hurt.
I think you hurt them first, and now they’re “giving you a taste of your own medicine” tbh.

No one has to continue old traditions - you’ve shown them that and maybe they prefer smaller gatherings.
Does anyone have the space for you all to be comfortable now the children are older and can they afford the spread?
You may have invited everyone for next weekend but it’s really short notice so you can’t expect them to be free.

She started it?! Come on now, going away at Christmas is quite a common thing and shouldn’t mean you’re excluded from every family celebration after that for the rest of the year, that’s some real petty bullshit if that’s the case.

i would hazard a guess that there’s some bad feeling between you and your sister op that you may not even be aware of, so it would be best to try and get to the bottom of it if you can, the fact that she rolls her eyes when you tell her how you feels just shows that there’s more to this, maybe somethings been brewing for a while.

or maybe they feel that you’re not putting enough effort in with them anymore?

I don't think anyone is in the wrong here. When you were away, (and with you having changed the 'traditional' way of things) your sister may have realised she enjoys hosting smaller get togethers more and figured you wouldn't mind not attending. Had you asked about or offered to host any of the other missed ones (Easter etc)? It's only a week until Father's day - they probably figured you weren't fussed about that either if you've only just raised it.

We decided not to travel for Christmas one year, then never got invited again. Tried to find a more balanced approach to Christmas for our family and got ostracised for all future Christmases. Then told it wasn't the same since we stopped coming. I'm not playing those games. Either invite us or don't. We'd make the effort sometimes. It worked out for the best though and we had lovely, quiet Christmases in our own home.

Who is hosting these things? It's the family that's hosting that issue invitations, isn't it?

For something like Mother's Day or Father's Day, I can perfectly understand your sister inviting your parents over for Sunday dinner and not you and your four children. If you wanted to see your dad on Father's Day, it's reasonable to have asked with more than a week's notice, given his other child may also want to invite him.

You say you have generally been the host, and sometimes your mum. In this case, it is your sister hosting. Can't you see from her perspective it's one thing to invite her two parents over, and another thing entirely to include an additional family of six?

You've shown the way to smaller family events. Your sister has stepped up and hosted your parents when you didn't want to. It may not have been your intention, but by changing the way the wider family celebrates Christmas, you've created a knock on effect of smaller separate get togethers; that means you aren't necessarily invited.

I think you need to speak to your sister & ask if you can be included in these invites. If that's what you want?

My parents (separated) both see my brother & his family way more than me. I moved to the next city (7 miles away) & it's like we've gone to the moon. We are too far away for people to come. They do come over if I invite them for special occasions like birthdays & Easter. But my mum & brother especially are together all the time. It depends on the time of the month as to how much it bothers me. Sometimes it really upsets me. Other times I think fuck em. I haven't seen my brother & his family since Christmas.

Maybe you need to be a little more organised with events & get your invites in first. Maybe have a gathering for August Bank Holiday weekend?

DBIL and DSIL made arrangements for Christmas a couple of years running that meant they wouldn't see PIL. That left us hosting them for 5 days two years running, with DH working some of those days. Pissed me right off. Really selfish.

Further, my niece's birthday is close to Mother's Day most years. One year I had invited DPs to ours, mostly just because we hadn't seen them for a bit and they were keen to see some home improvements we had been working on, Mother's day was a coincidence. With a couple of days to go DB asked us to cancel so we could all go to his, which I found hard to refuse. Our parents thought he was incredibly rude, as he basically left it till the last minute then asked me to cancel.

It's not clear from your OP who is hosting these events (other than the Christmas you were away).

But I'm surprised at the responses here. If your parents are refusing to invite you, having always done so before you had the audacity to go away at Christmas, they are being INCREDIBLY petty and passive aggressive. My own mother can be both of these things at times, but she would never never do this, as it would cause a massive, long-term family rift.

And my SIL was left hosting because, even though we invited MIL to join us at our home for hosting, she refused. Christmas had to be at her house every year and that's how it was. Two sides and all that. (Though apparently SIL's home was acceptable too).

Inviting your eldest but not all of you was just nasty.

I think you should go NC with the lit of them.

This is really spiteful behaviour just because you dared not to go for Christmas (this actually happened in my family)