Trigger warning SA RAPE

[Chilledonsunday]

Any doctors, physiatrists, anyone overcome similar?

Are some people too damaged to fix?
I'm 42 female, I've had insomnia from around the age of 7.
When I try to recall when it started I was around 7 years old. My mum started an affair with a man on our street, he'd come around while his wife was at work and have loud sex with my mum. I was good friends and shared a class with his daughter, the anxiety of keeping this secret and the fear of them being found out was insane. I feel like the holding my breath anxiety of something terrible is about to happen has never left me.
I was also dealing with neglect and no contact sexual abuse at home.
I was also raped as a teenager, it was reported at the time and for various reasons the person responsible has been charged and a trial date is set for later this year. So more trauma that I thought was in the past is now very much in my present.
My life today couldn't be further from what I was born into.
I have a comfortable life with a loving husband and adult dc.
I have tried counselling and EMDR therapy and CBT. It's done nothing to help with insomnia. The EMDR seemed to focus on retraining my brain that the trauma is no longer happening and wasn't my fault. The CBT was more on how to calm down and realise the danger has passed.
I just don't feel that way though.. even as a child I knew it wasn't my fault, I just had no way of escaping it.
When I lay in bed at night and try to sleep I get this panicked feeling, like slowly climbing a roller coaster.. waiting for something terrible to happen.
Over the years I've been on Zopiclone, Zopidem, Mirtazapine and Nytol. I currently take 50mg of Phenerghan., this is now getting less effective.
It's so frustrating, I've just come home from a lovely fortnight in Spain. I must have averaged 3 hours a night. Has anyone else overcome similar.. It sounds so simple, your tired go to sleep, yet as things stand I can't ever see that becoming part of my life.

Posted in mental health but no response.

Hello, I don’t suffer insomnia as such. Just perimenopause stuff at night. I didn’t want to read your message and leave it.

I’m sorry you’ve had life so tough, it’s not surprising that you feel anxiety and can’t sleep. What a burden to have as a young child, then trauma in your teenage years.
It’s good you’ve had the counselling with different techniques though. That’s a good step, but it’s clearly not helping.

You must be exhausted on 3 hours a sleep.

What has your doctor said? Can he change medication for you?

All the warm milk, baths, podcasts thing won’t help by the sounds of it.

Sorry not much help.

I have been sort of where you were with the insomnia. It was following being raped but as an adult not a teenager. The thing that helped me the most was exercise - going for a run in particular because you can just run and run until you are too tired to run and then walk and then run some more. Its better to do it early evening because then you can go home, have a shower, dinner etc and by the time you get to bed hopefully your body is so exhausted that it makes your mind turn of. Usually by the third day. I also tried to do a 10 minute bedtime yoga as well.
Also- other forms of exercise, particularly women only martial arts are good. Even walking is beneficial for the fresh air.

Sorry - because of what you are going through/have gone through I know "get out in the fresh air and get some exercise" sounds really flippant but it does help in my experience (it isn't an immediate cure but it helps)

@OriginalFloorboards

Hi, My doctor has said he doesn't know what else to suggest. I work two jobs so by rights should be exhausted (I'm up at 5.30.. in bed by 10pm, lay there until around 2am)
He has said that after the trial he wants to come up with a plan to stop the sleeping pills.
It's so frustrating to 25 plus years on from these traumas occurring but the second I try to fall asleep my brain and heart rate take me back to my childhood bedroom.. I can Literally feel my body tense like it's in real danger and needs to be alert.
Maybe the EMDR Therapist wasn't very good because I've heard great things about it but it did nothing for me. Like I said I don't think I've internalised what happened as my doing and that's where the therapist kept going back too.
Or maybe because of the upcoming trial therapy wouldn't work at the moment because that part of my past is now In my present.
Frustrating that other people can cause all of this damage.

@biscuitandcake

Thankyou, Not flippant at all and worth a shot. I do run but only on a treadmill, I'll try taking it outside.

Biscuitandcake came up with something a bit more useful than me. It’s sounds like it’s worth a try in the evening. Being so exhausted but unable to sleep must be awful.

I know with therapy you have to connect with the therapist as well as the type of therapy. I have a good therapist but I’ve been to one before I just couldn’t connect with. I wonder if swapping would help?

Stupid question, forgive me for this if it’s stupid, but can you read a physical book to distract your anxiety? A podcast? Anything to shift your brain into another thought pattern.

@OriginalFloorboards

I could start a poxy library the amount of books I go through. It's insane really, I can read/podcast and feel my self falling into sleep. The second I put it down and switch the lamp off... ping! Anxiety and hours of either giving up and going back to the book or hours of staring at the ceiling.

have you tried listening to a podcast with the light already switched off and just leave the podcast on and if you fall asleep it keeps playing to itself - I found this helpful when i have bouts of insomnia - i can fall asleep if the podcast is “chatting away’ but suddenly feel wide awake if I switch it off - might help ?

This might not touch the sides but when I was bereaved, for months I could only sleep with whale music or "sleep music" on. Spotify has playlists of it - sounds that don't have much repeat or rhythm so they don't keep you awake. I couldn't fall asleep with a podcast on, and white/brown/pink noise isn't enough of a distraction, but sleep music is the sweet spot for me.

My fatigue nurse suggested I use it every night rather than waiting for difficult nights, so I'm building a sort of muscle memory with it.

I'm sorry you've been through those awful experiences.

What about hypnotherapy?

Yep tried it, waste of money in my experience.

Some useful tips on here do Thankyou.
Thinking about it now and I did manage to sleep without medication during the newborn stage of becoming a mum. Maybe because that's so tiring anyway,

I'd definitely try listening to a podcast or calm app meditation with the lights off or very low and you might fall asleep while it's playing? Do you need the room completely dark or do you feel safer with a low night light? I've found the meditations on calm quite helpful for lower level anxiety, not so helpful for full blown panic attacks.

peri menopause could be making this worse for you
if this is the case, then cutting out caffeine entirely could help you
caffeine starts to affect you differently once you reach a certain age
also if you lay in bed doing anti anxiety exercises/thoughts (eg sensory one - think of 5 things you can see, then shut your eyes 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 that you can taste for example - others can be found online)
medication has not worked for you and that is why I would try a completely different approach

I was the victim of a crime that wasn't brought to trial for over 10 years. I remember the run up to the trial being one of the worst and most stressful times of my life. Not more stressful than the actual events but just the thought of it hanging over me was putting my mind back in that place and it was affecting everything including my sleep. Honestly the only thing that helped was the trial being over and even then it took several months for my body/mind to start relaxing again. I know that's not overly helpful to you right now but I'm just trying to give you some hope that it might not last forever.

Have you read, 'Why we Sleep', by Matthew Walker? There might be information in there that is useful for you.

I leave a podcast on

Current favourites are
Nothing much happens
Sleep and sorcery

I think there is something about fresh air. But of course not everyone feels comfortable running outside or lives in an area where they can. But its summer so its the best time to try.
The other thing that might work or might make it worse is writing down all the worries you can think of in a notepad just before bed and then putting it away. It might make it worse because it encourages rumination. But I used to do something along those lines and it helped because I was taking the worries out of my head and writing them down. So its like I have done the allotted worrying for today. My brain doesn't need to go over them repeatedly in the night. Like worry dolls but for grown ups.

I think you may have to accept that this is going to be very tough until after the trial - it is not at all surprising that your body is on high alert with that coming up.

Perhaps see it as a two stage process? Before - and after. And be clear with your doctor, that you need his support with sleep until after - now is not the time to "come off meds" while recognising that they do become less effective. I've used many of the ones you use - as well as melatonin (which helps some nights not others, not sure why) and amitripline - and magnesium, which I have no idea if it is helping or not.

When I was going through a period of intense grief my mind behaved like yours - just as I had got myself "sleep ready" ... all relaxed, lavender-bathed, soothing music etc and switched things off, my mind and body would go hyper alert, flooded with memories and pain and images. The only thing that worked for me for a long time was just accepting this was how it was and doing what everyone advised against - watching soothing but engaging-enough series on my laptop and just falling asleep while watching something: it was a long time before my brain was ready for the lower engagement of podcasts, etc. Seaside Hotel was the first one a friend recommended and I adored it.... Danish, soothing, beautiful to look at... later, things like Downton Abbey etc. Sometimes I would need to settle my mind first by doing some wordpuzzles like waffle online : something that distracted my mind and calmed it. So no, I didn't get great sleep but more than I did when trying other things.

Two other things leapt out from your post - you are clearly working very hard - and you have achieved a lot despite such a challenging start:* *I have a comfortable life with a loving husband and adult dc. Are you able to spend time fully appreciating this and the journey you have made?

Do you have time in your day to do other things that soothe your system? Perhaps spending a few minutes just writing down three things each day you are grateful for and one thing that you would like to do that day to bring you joy? For me it can be as simple as deciding to notice and relish all the flowers I see on the way to work, or walking barefoot on the lawn feeling the ground beneath my feet on a day working from home. My guess is that your whole system is in overdrive at the moment, and anything that can help calm you (whether running or smelling the roses) will over time help your whole system gently recalibrate.

And yes, everyone can heal ... there are different paths ... but for now, perhaps just focus on cherishing and supporting yourself through the next months ... Good luck. You are an amazing woman.

Hi @Chilledonsunday I know exactly where you are coming from having suffered insomnia for years due to previous traumas.

Like you I have tried all the therapies, including EMDR but nothing worked. I would get myself to the point of exhaustion, but the second I got into bed my mind would start up. Some nights I would replay things that had happened, other nights my mind would make up new disasters yet to befall me, the only consistent thing was that my mind would just not switch off at all.

The one and only thing I have found that works for me, and ma now getting an average of around 5 1/2 - 6 hours sleep per night is to listen to pod casts all night. When I go to bed, I pop a pod cast on (I'm a weirdo so my pod cast of choice is true crime ones) and I really focus on it. It took me months and months to train my mind not to keep wondering off and to actually focus on the pod cast but now, although it still takes me a good hour to drift off to sleep, by keep taking my mind to focus on what is being said I do eventually drift off.

I keep it playing all night so that when I wake up the hundred times per night I have something to latch my mind back on to until I drift off again.

My only difficulty with this is when I can't play pod casts over night for whatever reason I really struggle to sleep at all. I have tried weaning myself off them but it just doesn't work so for now I will keep on listening to them all night as it is the only way I can actually get some sleep.

Like I say its not a quick fix but may be something worth trying?

Sorry you're struggling with this op.

I second the reading idea, but wanted to add that it needs to be the most boring or complex book you can find. Advice once (from a vicar) was to read the bible in bed, he said it's guaranteed to make you fall asleep

And also, the outside running (or cycling, which is what I do) really does help. It seems to to something that resets the brain and helps me to unwind/process stuff.

Thankyou for all your responses, I definitely think the upcoming trial isn't helping. It's ridiculous how long the wait is at the moment. Hopefully when it's over I can relax abit. I'm going to give the running and podcasts a try. I like the idea of a boring book aswell,

Some good ideas on here for you. I hope some work.

I also hope the trial is over quickly so you can wipe that worry off your mind. It’s one less thing to deal with.

Sending you a hug, which seems a bit useless, but know that you are not alone and can always reach into the ether of mumsnet where we will listen.

I went through something similar, and what worked for me was creating a completely different type of sleeping arrangement. I've used music, scent, and ambient noise (brown noise works for me - google 'colours of noise.)
I've now reached the stage where I can sleep in a normal bed.

I'd keep trying therapy, CBT and ADMR are only 2 methods, person centred therapy might help, it's a talking therapy where you can explore your feelings, perhaps a therapist that specialises in sexual abuse trauma might help.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you x