Local woman alarming behaviour

[Gogogadgetneck]

Woman who lives very close to me. I had never said more than a polite good morning to her until one day I saw her in the street and she randomly stopped me to tell me that she had removed her child from nursery because nursery reported her to social services for neglect (and Ive got to say every time I’ve seen her child the poor child has almost always got a dirty face hands nails, unbrushed hair, always has filthy clothes) to which she then said she had made a counter allegation against a member of staff at the nursery which I found alarming, I’ve never seen the woman interact positively or affectionately with her child although I’m aware these are just snapshots. she happened to be walking past my house as I was hoovering out my car on the driveway so now knows where I live and she now has started regularly knocking on my front door to invite me for coffee together (I have never said yes) and speaks as if she knows me and my child really well (? Offers to look after my child for me when she has literally no reason to think I’m in need of childcare as I am a stay at home mum, I have a husband and my mum also lives with us!!! so there is no need for her to help look after our child, and as I said we really don’t know each other well enough to consider that?) she has recently befriended a woman who has a child with autism and now her own child has started wearing ear defenders, and she’s not told only me but Ive also heard her as she loudly tells people who she stops to talk to in the street that her child is also autistic, I have no experience in the field at all but there feels like there’s something off with it all. As an example as she was describing her child’s extreme reactions to loud noises to me, a fire engine went past literally blaring its sirens full blast and her child didn’t so much as wince. She tells lots of people locally about her being reported to social services and doesn’t seem to think there’s any grounds for it despite her child being visibly unkempt.
our children are going to be in the same class at school. I feel very uncomfortable about her general behaviour towards her child, the special interest she’s taken in me and my child telling people we are close friends and our children are close friends and randomly turning up at our home, the history of making false allegations, things she’s said make me feel like she watches me such as commenting what time I usually have a run or what day I do a food shop. I try and avoid her but it’s like she is constantly roaming the streets locally. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about all this? Or am I being a drama queen? If she has been reported to social services does this mean her child is being monitored closely? I do have an anxious nature so please tell me if I sound ridiculous in feeling concerned about it all?

She sounds as though she could be unwell, maybe speak to social services and share your concerns with them? If she or her dd need help they will give it to them

She does sound a bit disturbed. If she is already been reported for issues it may be that the child will be supported/monitored at school and they will pick up on the autism concerns (or not).
I would keep my distance as much as possible and hope she moves on, even if that meant making up obvious excuses or ignoring the door.
You could always speak to someone at school to share your concerns about her making up a close relationship with you amd to explain her behaviour worries you a little.
If she carries on calling on you and doesn't get the clear messaging you may have to be blunt and ask her to stop calling.

Sounds like she is trying to befriend people who can vouch for her to SS. And potentially people who can look after kid now she has binned the nursery! I think you are right to be wary. I would just try and avoid as much as possible.

YANBU. Her behaviour is odd and rather creepy.

She sounds mentally unwell. I would definitely keep your distance and hopefully she will latch onto someone else, you don't want to end up accused of god knows what. Hopefully she and her daughter will get the help they need.

I think this is spot on. You could tell her to sod off, leave you alone and stop telling people you’re friends, because you’re not. But if you haven’t got any natural fishwife tendencies, you might find you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. So, if you see her in the street, speed up, say ‘morning’ and keep going. If she starts trying to talk, speak over her and say ‘sorry, we’re running late, can’t stop’. Maybe change your routine a little bit, especially if she’s going to be out and about at certain times with a view to waylaying you. Could you speak to the school, tell them the mother won’t leave you alone, you have concerns about her mental health and you’d really rather the children weren’t in the same class?

Very sad for her child OP. I'd also put some serious air between you, whether through her own fault or not she sounds like trouble. Agree with PP that it's worth dropping a line to social services as it might result in more monitoring and support. I'd also just stop making any time for her at all when you see her out and about. Just say "I have to go" every time.

It’s so awkward because I would literally pretend I haven’t seen her or just say morning and keep walking but she sends her kid running over to me and mine, then walks over herself and starts talking at me, I’ve even started driving places I’d normally just walk but she lives a stones throw from my house and several times I’ve been getting out of the car and there she is 🫣

I agree she sounds as if she's struggling.

But that doesn't mean it has to become your problem.

Every time you see her just say "oh hi. Sorry much dash I'm just doing xxxxx"

She needs reporting asap. Who else will help that poor child if you don't? If you say nothing that child is likely condemned to a miserable life and will grow up with mental health issues. Child needs removing from her "care"

I’m very uncomfortable with what I’ve seen and her general behaviour but I’m also nervous about reporting her in case I’ve somehow got it wrong?

It seems a little like borderline harassment on her part, perhaps not but it would make me feel uncomfortable as she seems from your description somewhat unhinged. You could explain your situation to school and request your child in separate class, unless there’s 1 class per year group. I’d be easy, breezy, BUSY! Bye! You know like when a chugger tries to make you stop but you do not stop you KEEP WALKING. Or running, she’d be pretty determined if she went with you on an impromptu run 🤔

the whole thing about portraying her child as being autistic when…..ok being blunt I’m not sure if she has her own agenda with that, something feels off about the way she goes out of her way to tell anyone in her path for no particular reason, and how the way she describes the child doesn’t match, will social services/school pick up on this and act? Surely school wouldn’t just go along with it and label the child as being autistic just to appease the mum?

It's not up to you to "get it right" - you report your concerns as you see them, and then the agencies involved will investigate and decide what needs to be done, if anything.

It does sound like the child needs more support!

Sounds as if she has mental health problems. Speak to Social Services. They won't be able to say anything but at least you have flagged it up

I agree, you need to avoid this woman as much as possible.

You need a ready string of good phrases to say, “that wouldn’t work for me” being a solid one that covers a lot. Reasons to have to go, expecting a phone call, have a Teams call, got a cold coming on, etc.

Are there any children’s centres in the area you could direct her to? There are the odd one still
left round here, suggest she heads off there to stay and play or whatever.

What harm will it do you to be kind to her. Not her BFF, just a bit of compassion.

If everyone avoids her and her child that will be incredibly harmful to the child.

Don't kid yourself that social services is going to swoop in and take the child away - the threshold for removal is incredibly high and SS are stretched for resources.

And FYI regarding the fire engine, as an autistic person her story sounds credible to me - I also dislike high noise levels and sometimes wear earplugs but would not be bothered by a fire engine siren - I'm autistic not an idiot, and can cope much better when I know a noise is temporary. Also, different types of noise have different impact - it's complex and different for every autistic person.

She sounds terribly lonely and as if she is struggling. This can sometimes make people act in different ways.
I think she is trying to get people to vouch for her too, I've known a couple of people professionally who have befriended random strangers and then told social services they can provide emergency care if the child was to be removed.
Unfortunately, this is one where you're best not engaging and flagging your concerns. The poor woman clearly needs some help.

This reminds me of a post that went up recently about a mother who's nursery told her they won't allow the dd to return until she's been seen by the GP, due to reasons similar to what you stated in your first post. I'd definitely flag to ss - you can report anonymously to the mash team and if she's saying they're involved, then you reporting it is definitely the right thing

Pretend to be on your phone

She sounds mentally unwell. You need to log with social services and don’t answer the door.

It reads like she has mental health issues, is looking to you for support.

There is a concern if you manage this badly you could be one of the people she has a vendetta against.

I think all you can do is be non committal but polite and hope she moves on.

The fact that the little girl has already been flagged up to SS by her child’s nursery would reassure me in that if I wanted to talk to them about her, I wouldn’t be opening a case on her, I would simply be adding my own concerns
to help them build a better picture.
It sounds to me that this mum is trying to mitigate the effects of having been reported to SS, by building up an alternative picture ….removing her child from nursery with a false allegation, by making an excuse that the child is autistic and by trying to make local friends to support her in her defence.

Your concerns about this mum……she roams the streets, has offered child care, knows where you live, is over familiar and trying hard to befriend you, is irritating etc are not reasons on their own to report her of course.

However, as a neighbour and if you know the child’s name, your concerns about the child …. that she appears to be badly neglected, is given no attention on the streets by her mum who acts oddly, and who appears to suddenly no longer be under the watchful eye of nursery are quite serious enough for a quick call to SS. I would ask for your disclosure to be confidential but I know from experience that they may well insist on your name so be prepared for that.

It’s a big responsibility OP and if you feel the child is distressed and her welfare is at serious risk, I don’t think you are being a drama queen at all to want to raise this with SS as a concerned neighbour.

This mum and child might well be part of your neighbourhood and school community for a long time to come. SS will want to help. They will hope that the mum settles into her home and is accepted by a family friendly community around her- and that the child is supported by teachers and good neighbours so that she has the best outcomes possible. It’s a lot to think about and I don’t envy you.

What harm will it do you to be kind to her. Not her BFF, just a bit of compassion

It has the potential to cause a lot of harm. We’re clearly not talking about someone who is just a bit quirky, or who responds to social situations differently. She’s neglecting her child to the point SS have been notified, she’s making allegations against nursery staff in retaliation for reporting her, she has very different perceptions of the relationship with the OP and she appears to be keeping an eye on the OP’s general movements.

I’m all for a bit of kindness to people who need it, but she needs far, far more support than a friendly chat over a cup of coffee every now and again. And what happens if the OP can’t always provide that friendly chat? Or feels she needs to contact SS if she sees further neglect of the woman’s DC? Will she make allegations against the OP too? The demands she’s making of the OP are already too much. It’s not fair to attempt to guilt trip her into not inviting this woman into her life.