I know I'm being unreasonable, please help me get over this

[Jealousfornothing]

I know I'm being unreasonable, but can't help my feelings.
Dh is going through mid life crisis with on and off depression. Currently on talking therapy.
He has always been a creative person and to be a bit mindful of his feelings he has started journaling.

Our relationship has always been good but we have become a bit distanced since ds was born. He is a poor sleeper and we have no family support. Both have full time jobs. There is still plenty of laughing, chatting and affectionate words but not much romantic / intimate time. I have communicated him my concerns over this and he reassured me but didn't do much to make it better. I know it's very hard to with 4-5 hours of sleep every day, on top of that he has another major life problem that destroyed his self confidence.
Here is what is really (unreasonably) nagging me at the moment.
His ex (first one) died at a very young age, very tragically. Needless to say it affected him deeply. It's a loss that he refused to visit much until now, but I believe the therapy brought it to the surface and I have just found out he has been writing extensively about her, to a lot of detail, such as their very romantic / madly in love moments. I know it's beyond stupid and narcissistic to make this about myself, but I'm feeling madly jealous, partly because of where we are with the relationship.
I was always his big love from the moment we met, and this dynamic has evolved since we had a baby. I'm having a hard time accepting this and I feel as though he loves her more than me and I would never compete.
I have locked myself in the bathroom to avoid saying something destructive. Please speak some sense into my brain, it feels painful. Also any advice to gain romance back with a poor sleeper toddler appreciated.

I can see what that would feel hard in the circumstances but he really is just working though feelings that he never got to work through if he shut his grief down and irs just more of a physical exploration. It doesn’t mean he loved her more.

What @Tbskejue said.

but also, why are you reading his journals ?

For this therapy to work, he needs to be able to drag up and address all those feelings. It isn't going to help if he has to think 'Oh, I'd better not write that, in case JealousforNothing gets upset.

See she will always be 'perfect' because she died young. But she is the past and you are the future. I would feel insecure too. I'd encourage him to focus on putting more effort into your relationship.

This actually might be a good thing because he is now having an opportunity to work through those feelings and put to bed the parts he needs to obviously he won’t and shouldn’t be expected to put it all away but hopefully he will be left with a more positive way to remember her without having some of the unhealthy feelings bothering him and invading your present with each other.

can I ask though how do you know what he is writing iv probably missed it but didn’t see anything in your post that he has shown you?

He told me he is writing about this subject. He also has very big screens in his office and some words caught my eye as he has been working on it 24/7 this past weekend.

I journal and I burn them after I've finished. For me they are a way to get it all out on paper. I would hate for anyone to read them because they are private but also because they show the worst of me in many ways. My husband would be horrified if he read about how annoying I find him sometimes, but by writing it down I work through why I'm annoyed and what I can do about it. I understand why you feel concerned but this is a good way for your husband to work through his feelings. It's OK for you to ask him how it's going and if he wants to talk about it but he might not.

That must be a very tough situation for you OP. I encourage you to leave him to it but be patient and kind while he works through this.

In the meantime be good to you! Take extra care of yourself and your needs. See friends, go to hobbies, go to the gym and spa if possible, attend parties , take your child to fun places, etc without him.
He needs to realize life goes on and that he is seriously missing out on living with the wonderful wife he has now.

It almost feels as though he is living a romantic relationship in his head with his ex while I'm here very much alive and emotionally deprived. Perhaps the reason why he can't be more present now is because he didn't address the scars of the past properly until now.

He’s not going to feel better unless he works through all these emotions in therapy. As painful as it is to hear, he lost a wife he loved. It’s very different to him coming to you after a divorce where the relationship failed.so those feelings towards her will be overwhelmingly positive.

Youve been confronted with the fact he had another big love before you and your ego’s taken a hit. This process doesn’t change anything about your life. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less

He’s being a tit. And a selfish one. If he wants to get lost up his own arse in therapy and obsess about his past love (ie, obsess about a past version of himself) to the detriment of his wife and child, then he should know he’s being destructive.

Therapy is amazing but having words of adoration and love for another woman emblazoned across massive monitors where you can see it is thoughtless at best.

You are allowed to tell him how you feel. He needs to direct love and energy towards the life he has now.

I should add - they were late teens. His first big proper love

I'm sorry, I think he has disappeared up his own arse and sounds like a shit partner. I lost someone at 22. I don't think his ex would want him to be wrecking his life in this way - she'd have wanted him to live and enjoy his life.

He has a little kid and he's journalling 24/7. He needs to engage with his child, you and his current life.

He’ll come out of it. Trust the process x

Trust the process? Well maybe, but don't let it go on forever. Live your life in the meantime. And let him know how much it hurts you and that you are not waiting forever. Ideally he should have resolved all this before entering a new relationship. Give him boundaries. He can spend time on this one half hour a day and no more, for example.