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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relationship advice

16 replies

LVS2627 · 09/06/2024 08:27

There's a guy I've known since I was 17. We're now 32. In the past year we've grown closer & then I'd say the last 6 months we've been dating. He lives 45 minutes away from me which in the grand scheme of things isn't far away but I have a 3 year old from my previous relationship and we also both work which makes it difficult to see each other loads during the week.
We do what we can though and try and make plans were we can. We've been away together, he'll come and stay with me and vice versa, we've had cinema dates etc etc Im thoroughly enjoying my time with him however, it just feels super complicated.
He potentially wants to quit his job at the end of the year and go travelling for 6 months and then he's not sure what his plans will be once he returns. He keeps saying he doesn't want a relationship just yet because he can't commit as he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. He's also aware I'm tied to were i live currently as I have my 2 year old to think about who's my n01 priority.
I saw him last night and he told me that he loves me to bits and that he would jump into a relationship with me but as well as the above he's worried I'll get bored and it won't work out. He's just being super negative about the situation really & I do get it to a certain point. He's also told me that he won't be seeing or sleeping with anyone else so you could say we are sort of exclusive. He kept saying to me last night what is it that I can't give you now that you'd get if we were official. He's just not getting it.
We both really like each other though and it just seems so unfair. I always feel so deflated when I come home from seeing him cos I obviously want to see him more but it's so difficult.
I don't know what to do. When I feel like I want to walk away I just can't bring myself to do it then we always end up seeing each other again. Do I just keep going with the flow and seeing him then just see what happens in the future? The fact he's travelling doesn't bother me..I'll of course miss him but I know he'd never go with anyone else. I do trust him.

OP posts:

Didimum · 09/06/2024 08:30

He doesn’t want a relationship and you’re not compatible. No, don’t waste your time being dissatisfied in a relationship that doesn’t work for you.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 09/06/2024 08:33

He’s just not that into you and is hedging his bets, unfortunately.

If he was then he would properly commit and wouldn’t be making excuses.

Agix · 09/06/2024 08:35

He doesn't want to commit to you. He doesnt want to be "exclusive". Simple as that. He wants his freedom and to leave his options open.

Don't over complicate it. He doesn't actually want to be with you properly.

If you're happy to continue seeing him and enjoying the moments until he disappears considering that, then absolutely do so. If you're not happy with it, then don't.

pictoosh · 09/06/2024 08:39

He wants it his way, which is all the benefits of having a girlfriend but none of the responsibility.

HerORMe · 09/06/2024 08:44

That’s so hard for you, I’m sorry. I think he probably does love you but that’s simply not enough. Seems like he wants to be free while also not wanting to let you go.

The best thing for YOU to do is set firm boundaries now. All or nothing. Or he’ll walk all over your heart. It would be hard but stand firm and make him choose. I suspect he wants to be free when travelling. The fact that he wants 6 months away is telling you clearly, in big neon letters that he is not ready to commit!

GeckoFeet · 09/06/2024 08:45

he's worried I'll get bored and it won't work out.

He's worried he'll get bored and it won't work out. He doesn't want a long term relationship, he wants to go travelling. But it's more convenient for him to keep seeing you until he goes.

Do you want that? I would feel very used.

When I feel like I want to walk away I just can't bring myself to do it

You need to woman up and end it.

Do I just keep going with the flow

You wouldn't just be going with the flow though ..you would be staying out of the fear of ending it.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 09/06/2024 09:54

It’s not complicated at all. It’s actually very simple. He’s using you. It suits him to have a regular person he can have sex with, and all the emotional benefits that come with having a relationship (like the support and comfort and ease of being with someone you know, not to mention the lack of effort needed compared with taking new people on dates and having to impress them before they have sex with him) with nothing demanded from him in return.

If he loved you, or even had strong feelings for you, wild horses wouldn’t keep him from being in a relationship with you. You have to keep reminding yourself of that. If you have to persuade someone to be your partner, it’s never going to work.

He’s keeping his options open. He can do anything, go anywhere, sleep with anyone he wants to, and there’s nothing you can complain about because you're not in a ‘relationship’. He owes you no consideration or loyalty. And what’s worse is that he’s trying to convince you that it’s because he’s worried that you won’t be able to commit to him, long term. And you’re falling for it.

I know it’s horrible to even think about walking away. But sooner or later he’s going to meet someone he very much does want to be in a relationship with. And if you have to watch that happen, it will be far, far worse than walking away now. If you carry on down this road, you’re going to get your heart broken.

Redlarge · 09/06/2024 09:58

He is breadcrumbing you until he (grows up) makes his mind up about what he wants.
Id back off, be less convenient and accessible and set boundaries. I'd also be straight with him that he seems selfish and like he's wasting your time.

Redlarge · 09/06/2024 09:59

Whothefuckdoesthat · 09/06/2024 09:54

💯

Okeenope1 · 09/06/2024 10:00

In those 6 months you've been seeing eachother, he's been boning other women. Hth and you will move on... start standing your ground and you'll soon see his mask slip off.

Laiste · 09/06/2024 10:10

He potentially wants to quit his job at the end of the year and go travelling for 6 months and then he's not sure what his plans will be once he returns. He keeps saying he doesn't want a relationship just yet because he can't commit as he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life.

He told me that he loves me to bits and that he would jump into a relationship with me but as well as the above he's worried I'll get bored and it won't work out.

He's just being super negative about the situation really ... He's also told me that he won't be seeing or sleeping with anyone else so you could say we are sort of exclusive. He kept saying to me last night what is it that I can't give you now that you'd get if we were official.

OP - read the 3 paragraphs back to yourself and think what you'd say to a friend asking you about the bloke.

The bored bit - he's projecting. It's him who's concerned he'd get bored.

The exclusive thing - cheerfully tell him have a good time while he's away, that you can't promise to be be exclusive while he's not around, and he's free to do what he likes, but you'll be happy to meet up again once he's back if you're free. Don't let him stick you in a little box for when he gets back.

If he's truly wringing his hands over weather to commit to you then that should stir something in him, but honestly i think he's a rolling stone and you shouldn't pin any hopes on him.

yellowsmileyface · 09/06/2024 11:04

Usually when a man says he doesn't want a relationship, it means he doesn't want a relationship with you. Sorry to be harsh, but it's true. It doesn't matter what else they say, how much they say they really like you, or that life is just super complicated right now, or that he isn't shagging anyone else, when a man says "I don't want a relationship", that's the only piece of information you need to take into account.

@Whothefuckdoesthat is spot on.

You're struggling to walk away because he's giving you just enough to feel hopeful, but at the end of the day he isn't giving you what you want. Also, exclusivity in a relationship isn't simply not sleeping with anyone else. Plenty of people in FWB relationships aren't sleeping with anyone else, it doesn't make it a proper, exclusive relationship. Exclusivity is making the commitment to be in a long-term monogamous relationship, to be a partner to each other, and he's not giving you that.

ManilowBarry · 09/06/2024 11:48

He likes you and enjoys your company.

He isn't passionately in love with you and thinks your 'the one.'

You will do until he meets the one he falls passionately in love with.

He sees you more of a friend than a long term lover.

Oceancolorseen · 09/06/2024 12:24

He is giving you crumbs…
you deserve the whole cake.

StormingNorman · 09/06/2024 12:34

He’s just not that into you. He’s telling you you’d be bored when you’re the one asking for more commitment. He means he’ll be bored and he’s not ready to settle down to family life.

If you can just have fun until he goes travelling carry on as you are. If you’ll just get deeper into this ‘relationship’, call it quits sooner rather than later. I think you are in a relationship and he has a FWB.

Ratisshortforratthew · 09/06/2024 12:58

This is a classic case of you wanting more than he is willing to give, and while that doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t into you or is using you, it’s unlikely to work out happily.

He might be stringing you along and using you for an easy shag, or he might just be holding himself back because of his travel plans. I think it’s reasonable for him to hold back from any commitment when he has this big travel on the horizon - it’s easy to say if he really loved you he just wouldn’t go, but that’s a recipe for resentment if he felt you “stopped” him from doing something he really wanted to do and has his heart set on (I know you’ve not asked this of him, just referring to what PPs have said).

I do empathise with this side of the situation as travel is a huge thing for me that I prioritise on an equal level with my relationship and sometimes even the travel comes first (for example I’m going to live abroad for a month in summer without my partner, but we’re already in a committed relationship so a slightly different situation).

all that said, his reasons and feelings are not your priority - YOU are. You want a committed and serious relationship and he can’t/wont give you that. He may well be falling for you, but his desire to be free from commitment comes first. That’s a valid choice for him to make, but it doesn’t work for you. You don’t have to suppress your own needs just because his differ. It sounds like a casual thing in the short term would cause you more pain in the long run, so if I were you I’d have to dump him, albeit reluctantly, otherwise you’re just prolonging the inevitable fallout.

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