Worrying Encounter WWYD?

[FromRags2Riches]

Nc and posting here for traffic for reasons that should become obvious as you read on. Apologies if its long and abit of a muddle.

So for background context I have had multiple traumatic experiences in my life. Abusive relationships, neglect from parents as a child that resulted in time in a children's home and my own child adopted from when I was 16. Due to the lack of support and the effect of these experiences I went through a "wild child" faze in my teenage years, drinking often and gravitating towards awful men who gave me attention (i may add this was just to chat to and nothing ever sexual), etc.I often struggled in uncomfortable situations with men and found it difficult to say no, so would i would often go along with a conversation, agree and nod along to quickly attempt to shut it down, especially when the talk turned sexual as I was scared of what reaction I may get in those situations if I stood up for myself and instantly said no or that I was uncomfortable.

So back to the reason of the thread... An incident happened today when I was out in a pub with my grandad (i no longer drink anymore so was on soft drinks anyways) and he informed me that one of the people he drinks with had been looking for me days prior but I was at work. This guy was in the pub so I went over to ask what he wanted as it seemed important as he would have no reason to want to see me for anything. He agreed that he was looking for me and had got my address from my grandad but I was at work at the time. He asked me to come outside to talk as it was personal and said word for word "remember that blowjob you agreed to all those years ago? I do and I want to know when your free to do it". I was immediately taken aback and just said thanks but no thanks. To which he responded "Your single now and seconds away from home now, we could nip over now and be back before anyone realises, You'll enjoy it". I said no again more firmly, went back into the pub to get my grandad and we left.

This encounter has took me back to many years of trauma and I'm now quite scared and on alert that he knows my address. 8-9 years after a comment was made in an uncomfortable conversation as a way to get out of it back into a safe place, I'm now back being reminded of a time that I wasn't to kind to myself after working years to be a better person.

Is there anything I can/should do about this encounter first of all? And also about the feelings this has resurfaced?

Report to the police for sexual harassment.

That's awful and predatory. Please report as sexual harassment.

Also I just want to add this man is in his 50s/60s, I'm 27. I'm single yes but also heavily pregnant which makes me vulnerable in my home now this man knows my address.

About 10 years ago this particular man was one of the guys I referenced in the beginning of my OP who would kind of prey on me when I was out drinking, would follow me outside for a smoke and start these conversations that quickly turned sexual on his side. The last interaction I had with him in passing was around 8ish (maybe longer) years ago when i asked for a light and he asked me to get it out of his pocket as his hands were full. I stupidly did and the pocket was empty apart from the tip of his penis sticking through a hole in the bottom of the pocket.

I never spoke or interacted with him again after that until today when I thought he was wanting me for something else entirely.

You were clearly unsure how to respond in this situation, possibly a combination of being taken by surprise and a linger sense of shame about how you used to be which causes you to believe you are to blame.

You are not to blame, the man is disgusting and "fuck off, no way" is a perfectly appropriate response.

Tell your grandad to NEVER give your personal details to anyone. He can take their details and pass them on to you .

Do not open the door to this man if he should turn up at your house, tell him to leave and never contact or approach you again. If he refuses to leave tell him you will call the police and mean it.

Make sure your doors are locked and you have adequate security.

I’m sorry this happened to you. What an awful disgusting predatory creep.

I feel you should not go back to that pub or anywhere else where that group of men drink. You are a new person now with a new life. When you want to see your grandad, he can meet you somewhere else.

What do you think your grandad would say if you told him?

Urghhhh why can't we just have a mass cull of creepy pervs like this

I’m so sorry - what a disgusting creep.

You need to have very firm words with your grandad, he can’t give you address away - that’s terrible!

Speak to your grandad and explain what him giving your address away has done. Then report to the police, hopefully they will have a quiet word and that will be the last you see of him.

Get a ring doorbell. Make sure all your doors and windows are locked.

If possible in due course move and gave a fresh start.

Your grand dad is an idiot. Tell him what the man wanted you for. I hope he's disgusted with him too.

What a disgusting pervert, bet he’s married as well.

Have you asked your grandad why he thinks it’s ok to go giving out your address to people?

I have had the conversation today and before about not giving my address out to people as he already knows there is safety concerns due to an ex. I didn't go into the ins and outs why I was bring this up today because I'm pretty irrationally ashamed about it all. He said that he got the impression it was important, he had told this man I was at work and offered my mobile number first, which was obviously declined (to reduce the proof) to which I informed him it wasnt important at all and the man had just attempted to coerce me into sex, leaving me extremely uncomfortable. My grandad was obviously very apologetic and disgusted but he's timid and doesn't like confrontation so he didn't say anything further, to me or this man before we left. I doubt he will say anything at another time either unless anything happens.

I'm not sure if the police will be able to do anything. I don't even know this man's name other than his nickname and he's very discrete about it all. He makes sure there's no one around, no written evidence and it's done in a secluded part of a public place so there is no evidence that I could present with my claim, which I'm guessing is why he refused my number from my grandad and also wanted to have the conversation outside of the pub rather than inside it.

Eww, what a disgusting perv. I'm sorry this hapenned OP. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Is there anything practically that would make you feel safer? Maybe something like a ring doorbell or a bell/something noisy near your door or having your mobile next to you? You said that he likes to make sure no-ones aware of what he's up to, but your grandad now knows what he said and although the creep doesn't know that, he is aware that your grandad knows he spoke to you and also that he knows your address. Hopefully that and your rebuke is enough, but if he does turn up I'd call the police.

I also wanted to say a massive well done in so calmly and confidently saying no, especially considering that you say you've had trauma and have found this difficult in the past. It sounds like you've overcome an awful lot, that takes guts so be proud of yourself. I'd also say be super kind to yourself, put on a nice film maybe see a friend or do something nice tomorrow. If a lot of old feelings have resurfaced and don't fade then maybe it's worth approaching your gp or a charity for some support such as counselling. I guess it might also be worth talking to the police if you think it'd help you or you'd feel better having it logged. I hope you manage to get some rest tonight and enjoy having your little one when he/she comes along.

Thank you for all your comments, they've been really helpful. I will definitely look at buying a ring doorbell on Monday, I think argos does a cheaper version as that will make me abit more safer in my home and will add any bonus of gathering evidence if needed. Otherwise, due to the ex briefly mentioned in my OP, my home is already pretty secure and I know all the routine safeguarding tricks like having a charged phone easily accessible at all times, my address is already flagged with police and doors and windows have locks with alarms on.

I also appreciate all the comments about the sudden feelings of shame, etc that I'm feeling after this encounter. I have engaged in many years of therapy to overcome all of the negativity I felt about my past. I don't want this to lead me to a set back in all that hard work. I guess its the fact of how unexpected it was and that at 12pm on a Saturday afternoon, fully sober and dressed like a slob, some weird old man was trying to treat me like some sort of prostitute to the point of actually seeking out personal information about me from my grandad a few days prior.

It all, for a split second, just made me go back to that young, vulnerable, teenage me who felt unworthy as a human because of people like this. I think it just makes me question if this is how people actually see me.

This is revolting on his part.

I'd say, no it's not how people see you - it was one revolting guy trying his luck. It says everything wrong with him, not you. I had a difficult childhood too and get the feeling of being unworthy. But you are. You've survived, you've built a life, concentrate on everything you've done and how much has changed since you were the vulnerable teenager. He is the one who should be feeling ashamed.

This.

You are a survivor and should feel proud of what you have achieved and the life you have built. However this scummy bastard should hang his head in shame at his disgusting, predatory actions.