AIBU to go on strike?

[onefedupmum1]

I've just had a huge row with DH over housework. He does absolutely nothing, says it's his MH and tired from work but has plenty of energy to go riding for hours most days each week or sitting on his phone for hours on end, but just expects dinner to be done, shopping in the fridge, kids have what they need, pets cared for.

I am burnt out. I work too. I've had multiple talks with him, he admits he doesn't do his share and I've told him I'm struggling and he gives it the whole "I'm here for you" but no practical help appears so I'm on strike.

I'm cooking for the kids, I'll do their washing, I'm not even doing a big shop I'm just going to buy stuff the kids need daily and leave it at that.

I'm pissed off with him, he's pissed off with me but I've had enough. AIBU or should I deal with this more maturely?

You've already tried maturely and he's shown you he doesn't give a shit how you feel.

Maybe he'll start to care when he has no clean clothes and he's hungry too.

Good for you. Stick to it and don't give in.

I won't be giving it at all even when he eventually apologises because nothing will change.

I feel like he's slowly checking out of family life but if he is then he can just fuck off now and stop expecting me to be his slave.

Divorce.

I'm inclined to agree, but it may suit OP better to stick with it under the strike conditions.

Make sure you stick to it. He sounds like a selfish git!

You need a divorce. This strike nonsense is just a waste of your time. He won't give a shit and you'll most like just start doing everything again because it will make you crazy.

What this is really about is respect. Your husband has none for you. You are a domestic appliance to him and unless you start valuing yourself, no one else will. The truth is that your marriage is already over. The resentment you already have for him will be insurmountable and you will be absolutely miserable. Actually, you already are.

Good for you!!! Sometimes you have to demonstrate what you do, by not doing it, in order to make the point you need to!
If he has time to do his riding/playing on a phone, he has time to do house stuff!

How do you mean checking out of family life? Are there problems?

The strike may make him realise how much you do when he’s got no clean pants and had cornflakes for dinner 5 days on the trot.

I am miserable. I am burnout from work, the mental load of kids house work pets appointments. He makes a mess, he adds a lot to my plate. He does have MH issues and I have gone above and beyond to support him for years and he always says how he couldn't cope without me and needs me but o said to him today you don't need me you just need someone to do your shit for you so you can do the things that YOU want to do while I do everything else and you can swan in and out as you please.

Divorce seems like an extreme reaction at the minute, I hope it's salvageable.

Goud For you, I’m thinking along the same lines. Let us know how it works out

Just normal family life problems. Toddler who loves the word no, pre teen who thinks she's 16, school runs, pets to look after. He does have some personal stresses which I respect and support but he loves to just disappear upstairs to have some space meaning play on his phone for hours while I cook dinner, feed the kids, clean up, do homework, do bath time and do bed time then he's still more interested in his phone but wants
Me to sit next to him so we're together.

I know you are saying divorce seems extreme but maybe along with your strike you could show him the two paths that are open to him.

Path one is, he engages and stops making excuses as to why he shouldn't do housework or parent his children.

Path two is, that you will get divorced and all the things he currently refuses to do now become necessity like food to eat and clean clothes to wear. This will also involved child maintenance payments, selling or you remaining in marital home, he then has to find somewhere else to live. Plus he will be responsible for the children when he has them in his sole care.

Honestly, that is exactly what I would tell him was happening.

Do it, but really mean it. I went on strike for a full year. Just stopped laundry, cooking, everything, including for the two DC. DH had to step up. Initially it was chaotic for him and kids (I did my own laundry) but he eventually got there.

After 6 months I pointed out the small changes. e.g. DH being fed up the kids didn't help (neither he nor the children helped me); how the corner of lounge where people dumped their laundry, including him, disappeared (he didn't like having to constantly pick it up either); the way he got annoyed when kids left their dishes miles from the sink (but never aware they did that to me all the time). A lot registered I think. Cooking especially: we gained weight and got tummy problems from his lazy meals, which I don't do. He's tried to change that too now.

I also said I was nervous to start helping again in case he just dropped the ball. I've now started helping with cooking and laundry, but I've told him I'll stop entirely if I ever feel used, exploited and treated like a slave again.

Let me guess... his mum was a housewife who did everything for him and waited hand and foot on everyone and probably still does?

I had this conversation with my DH. I was doing everything and it was exhausting. I eventually told him that I'd had enough and it wasn't continuing like this, and said he need to pick there and then which chores he was helping with. He now does more school runs, washes up (mostly) and helps more with the kids, but still has way too much free time. It's an improvement though!

One other thing ... It's quite amazing 'being the man'. Tons of free time, watching your spouse get stressed with housework, disappearing to the bedroom if the sighing and grumpiness gets too much. I can see why men do it. I just don't know how they live with themselves because I've felt quite guilty. But it was necessary.

The two paths scenario is right, I think he needs to realise that himself. It goes in one ear and out the other. He KNOWS I need help but doesn't but maybe he needs th e shock of actually he's at the point of losing it all and having no choice but to fend for himself and the kids.

No his mum wasn't a housewife, she's an evil women who abused him as a child.

A year! I admire you!

He often tells me I should make the DC help and when I ask him specifically do to something he will try and force the DC to do it because "they are part of this family too" but then when I point out he isn't doing he asks why I'm starting an argument.

Yes, you need the shock tactic. I would honestly sit down and tell him his two choices, ie makes his own dinner every night or shares that responsibility in the family home.

My husband did minimal housework. But he didn't expect me to do it all - he paid for a cleaner who also ironed. He was also very tidy and when he cooked (which he did most weekends) he cleaned as he went do there wasn't a pile of pots and pans at the end, just the plates we used to serve and eat. He never left clothes hanging around. Most of the mess was mine!
Tell him he either shapes up, pays for a cleaner who will do laundry or that's it.

I'm hoping the shock tactic works

You say his DM was abusive to him, he now says he couldn't cope without you. sadly @onefedupmum1 it seems he sees you as his carer, as the person who makes his life work. It would be fine if it were mutual but he sees you as the capable adult, whilst he works but he does nothing else.
Yes, his MH probably isn't great if he had a bad childhood but it's making him selfish, he expects you to manage endlessly with all the things that make your household tick over, yet feels no guilt at taking hours to himself. I think the strike could go two ways- either he'll freak out and try to blame you/the DC or he might finally see he's been very unfair.
I wish you luck Op, keep your nerve and let us know how it goes

That’s awful! He is a man child. Stick to your guns.

I think you may have just summed everything perfectly, unfortunately.

He needs to get some help. Mind can help with talking therapies. Or speaking to his GP.